Today, I woke up contemplating my relationship with God. As many of you know, I do not deny an existence of an Omnipotent Higher Power. Truthfully, while attending AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings and facing my entrapment by alcohol, I prayed an awful lot. And, as always, I noticed that my relapses tend to accompany a failure to maintain prayer. But, I’m not going to focus on the reality of God or how He (or She?) has helped me face alcoholism (I’m still speculative about if I have a true addiction or not). I accept God as a reality.
But lately, I am feeling a spiritual dryness in my life. Obviously, as someone that is bisexual, I struggle with some of the condemnation of mainstream religions. Having been raised as a Catholic, I’m well aware of the “abomination” spoken about in the bible. On some level, I still think about the idea that the act of sex involves choice, so there is this inherent idea that I am responsible for deciding with whom I have sex. Couple that with the fact that I am married, having sex with anyone outside my marriage would make me wrong. Of course, I get that concept. Relationships involve trust and commitment and when it is assumed that there is total exclusivity between two people, it makes the idea of sexuality a non-matter. But even my sexuality isn’t the main struggle I have with God. I believe He (or She) loves me. I believe sexuality is natural. Although, I have questions that surround it and my relationship with God, it isn’t the biggest or most critical struggle I have with God.
No, my struggle comes from something else. Something I really can’t pinpoint. I think it’s the concept of faith – the idea of trusting, regardless of anything else that happens in life. The idea that when I’m looking for answers, I can’t really find them. This idea that God speaks to us and yet I can’t seem to hear is something else that bothers me. I want to have this relationship with God. I want to feel the joy and happiness I see others feel. Granted, I realize there is an infinite level of happiness and joy available to those folks and it is something I truly want to tap into. But, I always feel empty.
That empty feeling that I feel like I have tried to fill in so many different ways. When I was younger, I sought knowledge to feed it. I assumed knowing things and learning things would make me feel good. It did, for a while. And then I sought a healthy lifestyle and exercised a tremendous amount. I thought it was feeding my soul, as well. But it didn’t seem to last. And then relationships. I wanted to love and to be loved – I sought this through sex, codependency, more sex, an attempt to merge lives. I wanted a family. But I couldn’t find that thing that would sustain happiness and joy. I thought maybe a career would fulfill me and give me that sense of directed purpose. Two careers later and I wonder what I should be doing with my life. I sought to numb my miserable feelings and what I saw as my miserable life with alcohol. Obviously, this fueled a fire of depression and I was not going to find the absolution of peace from God in that behavior. These are the things that my relationship with God has left me feeling perplexed.
Amazingly enough, I’m not in crisis over any of this. Six months ago, I was in shambles. A year ago, I could have been having suicidal thoughts. A few years ago, I had an actual wire around my neck and considered ending everything. No, I am in a much better place today. And as I type this, maybe that is God speaking to me. Maybe He (or She) is subtly whispering to me the fortitude I need to keep going. But I am still pondering the answers to my life’s questions.
And sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like the relationship with God involves a constant pursuit of Him (or Her)…