For anyone that has been connected to me on this blog or my previous blog, know I have moments of feeling completely girly. In fact, on one of my previous blogs, I introduced everyone to Stephanie – almost in full force. I have indicated who Stephanie is on several posts, but sometimes I feel like I hide her too. Truthfully, I love Stephanie and I love her much more than Hilda. Lately, I have been feeling a strong need to express my more feminine side again.
I value the inherent nature of femininity that Stephanie provides me when I identify as her. I find her to be a subtle calming voice inside my head. I have often found comfort in the things people have said to me that indicate they notice a feminine nature to my persona. I recently got my routine pedicure and I almost asked the technician to paint my toenails this time. That’s how girly I felt at the time. And I have had a desire to dress up in female attire again. There is a bit of an inner voice that yearns to have Stephanie come out and play once in a while. I used to toy with it, and I really began to toy with in in my former blog.
At the same time, however, I never want to lose the masculine side of my persona either. I certainly would not entertain any sort of transition, because that has a major permanency to it that I do not want. I have also indicated, before, that when it comes down to it I am biologically male and I don’t want to permanently remove my maleness. Truthfully, I also understand how some people would perceive this and how they would have a difficult time with that aspect of my being. It gives me pause, certainly, in expressing myself.
I understand there are plenty of you that would encourage me to be who I am and to feel completely comfortable with myself – however I identify, but I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am biologically male. I have strong masculine characteristics – both internal and external – but there is always this feminine aspect to me that I enjoy letting out once in a while. I have expressed Stephanie in various ways – pretending to be a woman, walking with a feminine gait, wearing skirts or dresses, putting panties on instead of boxers, trying to put make-up on (oh gawd, I looked cheap and icky) and various other things to simply make myself feel girly, pretty or whatever I happened to feel at the time.
And yet, today, I am feeling it again. I don’t know why, but I know as long as I’m not hurting anyone – myself, included – then it doesn’t really matter. I find comfort in it on some level. And when I’m done, I know I can still be the man into whose body I was born.
I feel okay with myself.
I feel not at odds with the world.
I feel a harmonious “You go girl!” reverberating within me today.
And tomorrow, I might feel differently. Tomorrow, I could easily fall back into my traditional masculine ways. I can kick off my heels, so to speak, and put on some work boots and do the things I have to do.
But right now, today, I feel girly and feminine.
And I like it.