This morning I woke up with a sense of hope. I have really been down…the last depressive episode hit me in a way that I truly felt I wasn’t going to escape. I’m not going to discuss every thought I had, because I know that I should have sought professional help during the episode. Yes, it was as bad as you might assume. But I have always believed, that the power to save ourselves from our demons lies within us – sometimes outside influence can help you find that courage – so, I wanted to try and ride it out to see if I can get the motivation to deal with it.
Oddly, I woke up today and everything just felt different. I don’t know what it was, but I felt a desire to implement positive changes in my life. I have the desire to live, the desire to be healthy, the desire to be sober, the desire to accept the love around me and the desire to keep fighting like the scrappy little bitch I am.
I had indicated in a previous blog post that one of my major drawbacks is my weight. I know I need to lose at least 80 pounds. And I don’t look much different than the post I made before. Truthfully, it’s painful to look at the pictures in that post. It’s not my ideal look at all. I wish I was WAY thinner, toned, less hairy, etc. But, I have hope that I can change it. Although, that post was made in October 2017, and I am no where near the goals I set for myself then, I’m not going to give up. I’m going to try again. I don’t like looking like that, and I have always been of the mindset that if I don’t like something, then it is up to me to change it.
I’m going to change it.
Seeing these pictures also reminded me of some pictures I posted of myself in a blog I kept previous to this current one. I had deleted that blog, but I had decided to post a picture of myself when I had crossdressed. I had put on a black and white striped pencil skirt, with a black blouse and wore some heels, as well. I had felt cute, feminine and encouraged by so many people on this blog. Granted, I’m not ever going to change my gender, but I had been comforted by exhibiting myself like this. But I also have this hope that I can return to a sense of health I once had. I used to live a healthy lifestyle – eating right, weight lifting, hiking, martial arts, sexy, etc. And I truly miss it.
Of course, these weren’t my only thoughts today. I also woke up feeling…well…amorous, or horny, if you will. I woke up from very, very, very exciting sexual dreams I happened to be having. And these thoughts have been with me all day long. I hate it when I have these thoughts, because they tend to get in the way of normal thinking – the things I need to think about to get through the day. But I feel like, my positive thinking and positive mood brought out the sexual thoughts and day dreams I have been having. I would like to write them all down, but I won’t.
Maybe another time.
Maybe I’ll try to go for a run tonight…
…or take a cold shower.