I have avoided writing a lot lately. I wish I could say it was because I’ve been busy. I mean, I have been busy, but that’s not the main reason I’ve avoided writing. The reality, of course, is that I fell off the wagon again. But before doing that, I had gone through a major episode of self-loathing. I don’t want to highlight a lot of what I was going through mentally, but suffice it to say that my thoughts were probably as dark as they had ever been. It was taking everything in me to fight off the demons in my head – that I know happened to be Hilda on steroids. Revisiting those thoughts, I’m afraid would lead me right back into the muck I’m currently trying to escape. And, of course, I started drinking beer again on a daily basis.
This negative look at my life needs to stop.
And I’m going to push myself forward, by being solution oriented and not problem oriented. I know, I know…I’ve expressed this before and it is always a complete circle of self-fuckery that I put myself through. But at some point, I need to focus on the things that work for me and the things that make me feel more positive. So, that’s what I want to do…
With a book that I began reading before and discussed in a previous blog I kept. The title of the book is “Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance“. It was a book recommended by a friend on my previous blog that suggested it might be a wonderful read for me, since I struggle with self-esteem, self-image, self-acceptance and self-love. Of course, it seems like I shouldn’t have stopped following this, but I had lost myself a little in the online life I was living and the real life I had – they were not coinciding very well. Of course, this book is written with a feminine perspective and it appealed to those aspects of myself that I feel are more feminine – it even got me to shaving my legs and other self-pampering things. It made me feel good about myself.
That’s the point I’m trying to make – I need to focus on the things that make me feel good about myself and I need to stop giving a fuck about the things that make me feel bad about myself. I am who I am and I spend so much time making excuses avoiding who I am. Of course, this focus isn’t the only thing I need to do – obviously, another thing that was working so well is Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). But I bailed on it – not because it wasn’t working, but because I didn’t want to bother someone else, specifically.
That’s stupid bullshit thinking.
And, as I write this, I’m getting pissed off for having sold myself out to someone else’s emotional state.
I want to be me – as beautiful as I can be.
So, I’m going to re-engage this book, at the beginning, and hopefully I’ll get the backbone to go back to AA.