Living in the Past F@^king Sucks: God’s Punishment

Living in the past fucking sucks.

And yet, I do it.

Regularly.

Today on my morning commute to work, my thoughts were on how much I don’t like where I’m working and it got me to thinking about the job and career I had before. The job I was laid off from back in 2015. My thoughts began drifting to wondering what I could have done differently to maintain my job and career. Was there something about me that made me the person to lose? And it made me think about the work relationships I had there and how they no longer exist.  And I was filled with immense guilt and remorse. And the realization that nothing will ever be the same again.  I miss the financial security I had. I miss the recognition I had. I miss the respect I thought I had. 

But it was all fleeting.

Like everything.

Nothing feels permanent.

Nothing feels secure.

I was already in the grips of depression and alcoholism at that time. I was already struggling with everything I find challenging now. But it felt easier, because I had an important job, with a high income and great benefits. I thought I had friends and colleagues that respected me. But now, I am not meeting my financial obligations. I am not a success and I’m in a dead end job. And work colleagues? The only time I hear from any of them is when I look at LinkedIn and I see they’ve been promoted or have been moving on in their careers in other companies. Everyone has forgotten me.  No one gives a shit that I have devolved into a complete fucking loser.

I know this is all because I’m still connected to the past.  I mean, it’s been over FOUR FUCKING YEARS!  I don’t know why I can’t get past it all. I don’t know why I keep returning to it all and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck can’t I be successful? I would have done ANYTHING to maintain the life I had. Looking back, I know that my depression was merely a sense of entitlement. Even then I felt I deserved more than what I had. I used to whine and complain then – obviously, I didn’t appreciate what I had.

God is punishing me.

That’s always my first thought when I think about what happened in the past. God must be trying to make me see that there is more to life than money and career. He is punishing me for not appreciating what I had then. And of course, since he’s punishing me for that, why not lump in everything else about me that is fucked up. I drink too much. I am always angry with everything. I’ve sucked dick before – that’s a sin too, right? I’ve lied, cheated, acted selfishly, etc., etc. I mean, why should He spread it all out? Get it done and over with, God!

But it has been four years. Nothing has been wonderful in the past four years. I still have a shitty marriage. I still have a shitty financial situation. I still have a shitty life. I’m still all fucked up when it comes to emotions. I’m still fucking myself in my own ass with my attitude.  And these thoughts always lead me to the considerations I had in July 2015 and January 1996 – completely dark times.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? How do I get out of this shit thinking?

Fuck you God!

Fuck you life!

Fuck you!

 

 

23 thoughts on “Living in the Past F@^king Sucks: God’s Punishment

  1. The only person I hear punishing you is yourself. That last paragraph is full of “I” and “I’m”, and your questions following suggest you already know the answer – it’s you. Life is hard, there is no doubt about it. It takes courage, desire to overcome struggles (self-inflicted or otherwise) and a willingness to make good and better choices. A god can’t help you with that. Nor should one receive credit should you succeed. This is all about you. ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tell us how you really feel. I hear fear anger and resentments. I hear the rant of someone in early recovery. God isn’t punishing you. He is giving you the opportunity to get your life back. Take that opportunity and make the most of it. One day at a time. Get to a meeting.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. All of us who enjoy recovery know that our recovery began when we had nothing left. We had lost it all, whether it was money, health, emotional security. You are exactly where you need to be,

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m wondering how, 22 hours ago, you were upbeat and positive after falling off the wagon and, 3 hours ago, you’re cursing God and of a mind that he’s punishing you for something. What happened in the time between these two very different posts?

    The good part is that you know you’re kicking your own ass. The bad part comes in the form of something my mother, a very religious person (and superintendent of Sunday school at our church) always says: God helps those who helps themselves. If you’re hoping or waiting for some divine intervention, know that the waiting list is long and that’s putting it nicely; you’re not the only person who’s stuck in the past and kicking their ass over what they’ve done, mourning over what they’ve lost, can’t figure out how to get to a now and future that was like the past that is now haunting the shit out of them.

    Some folks believe that God, when He/She sees you’re at the top of your game, will bitch-slap you off of your self-made pedestal to teach you a lesson in humility and what it’s like to be humbled. It’s just me but shit happens and it always happens when you least expect it and in the worst possible ways. Like for myself: In the space of six months, I was forced to retire, had a life-changing stroke that left me disabled and in pain 24/7, my 32-year marriage went straight down the toilet and ended in divorce; lost my ass in that deal, got evicted from my home because the money I needed was slow in arriving and, as a result, lost pretty much everything I owned.

    Totally fucked up and having to start over from scratch is the bitch to end all bitches… but it had to be done because the alternatives are even more unpleasant. I survived all of that shit and, yeah, there are times when even I sit and think about what was and how good I had it… but it’s gone and that’s that. Now it’s about making life at this point the best I can and with what I have to work with. Then toss in discovering a very life threatening abdominal aortic aneurysm that required immediate repair – not once but twice; tack on the discovery and diagnosis of Stage 3 kidney disease for which there are no medications, the only treatment might be dialysis at some point and then, when that ain’t helping, being in the position of having to beg for a compatible kidney or two…

    And knowing that it’s game over if I can’t get one and even if I do, my life expectancy will maybe be five more years if that. Pretty depressing, huh? I don’t worry about it any of it since there ain’t shit I can do about it EXCEPT to keep moving forward. I don’t drink or otherwise get high – and my stroke would allow me to legally get weed and stay stoned all of the time – but it serves no purpose to do this.

    God may or may not have given me a huge kick in the ass and put me on the ground – I don’t know but I do know I have better things to do than to dwell on shit I can’t do anything about so I can focus on what I can do. Yeah, I look at my life to date and out of all the ups and downs I’ve endured, it’s been a good life and it still is because I’m still alive to enjoy it. I could just give up but that’s not who I am; I could sit around having an ongoing pity party and even blame God for everything but that, too, isn’t who I am.

    And it shouldn’t be who you are and who you’re supposed to be. My mom also says at times that those who blame God or curses God for the bad times in their lives are just setting themselves up for even more bad times; I don’t know if that’s really true or not but it’s not something I’d do and then find but that it is true, ya know?

    You know I’m not gonna pat you on the ass; I’m gonna kick you in your ass and tell you to get your head out of your ass and keep pushing to get back in the game and do the best you can with what you have to work with.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ultimately, I am never afraid of putting in work towards betting myself and getting myself on a path of prosperity. Hard work and challenges don’t phase me. My struggle, I think is that my willingness doesn’t have direction. I feel like I got hit by a truck and I’m getting up and not knowing what direction to walk or understanding how bad my injuries might be. It’s almost like a constant state of confusion and frustration.

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      1. I understand it – been there, done that, know it really sucks and never in a good way. But while many people are able to get up, assess their “injuries” and start to tend to them – while not caring about the license plate of the truck that ran them over but, yeah, wondering where the fuck it came from and why they didn’t see it – then they start to figure out how to recover and, sure, they learn that it’s not gonna be easy but they do recover. Maybe they don’t get back to being 100%, maybe they do but the lesson and moral of the story is that they got back up, dusted themselves off, and moved forward in the best way they could.

        You, my friend, are one of those people who got ran over and you’re still pitching a bitch about it and cursing the driver of the long-gone truck for running you over instead of tending to your injuries and working toward healing them as best you can. The funny thing is that you know this is what you should be doing… but you’re still trying to track down the truck and looking for its license plate and I just do not know why you’re wasting time and effort trying to do something that cannot be done over an event that cannot be undone. At this point, it’s not about what happened – it’s about what you’re gonna do since it did happen and that’s where your focus should be – and it isn’t.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Forgot something and this might piss you off but if hard work and challenges don’t faze (this is the right word, by the way) you, why are you still stuck in this bad place you find yourself in and you’re not putting in the hard work that needs to be done – and you know this? You’ve been challenged to get on the wagon and stay there and, please forgive me, but how has that been working for you? You’ve been challenged to pick up the pieces of your life that events in the past has utterly shattered but, as I said, instead of taking up this very important challenge and body of work, you’re still wondering about that truck that ran you over and what getting run over wound up costing you.

        Not unusual but you’re spending too much time on this!

        And, yeah, I’m challenging you: Forget the damned truck and get to working on the shit you damned well know you’re supposed to work on! Are you really and seriously up to the challenge and ready, willing, and able to put in the hard work?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Um, how many times does the sign have to hit you over the head before you look at it? Seems to me that you do see it but, being hard-headed, you aren’t really paying attention to what the sign has been trying to tell you by whacking you over the head to get your attention. Like I said, you’re still trying to ID the truck when it’s the truck itself that was the sign that says, “You got run the fuck over – it happens to everyone – and now this is what you gotta do to recover from it.”

        And you’re not really doing it, not really paying attention to the sign and holding on to some hope that maybe the God you just cursed out will give you a sign that’ll send you in the right direction… and maybe He already did that and you’re not seeing it because you’re too busy worrying about everything else and shit that’s in the past and there’s nothing you can do to change what was and you can’t always get it all back and no matter how much you’d like things to go back to the wonderful way they were.

        Life often sends a truck to run you over because, perhaps, you need to change some shit in your life – who’s to say? It happened and now it’s all about getting back up, shaking it off, and going on about your business while now trying to keep an eye out for other trucks that might be heading your way.

        Like someone said, it’s not the punch you see coming that’ll knock you out – it’s the one you don’t see that’ll turn your lights out. It happens, you wake up, wonder what the fuck just happened, get your shit together and, going forward, try not to get knocked the fuck out again and if you can help it – and with the sure knowledge that there’s gonna be another punch coming that you won’t and can’t see.

        So get the hell up, shake it off, and do what you gotta do and this time, keep your eyes and mind open so you can do your best to avoid getting hit by another truck you might not see coming.

        Liked by 1 person

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