Living in the past fucking sucks.
And yet, I do it.
Today on my morning commute to work, my thoughts were on how much I don’t like where I’m working and it got me to thinking about the job and career I had before. The job I was laid off from back in 2015. My thoughts began drifting to wondering what I could have done differently to maintain my job and career. Was there something about me that made me the person to lose? And it made me think about the work relationships I had there and how they no longer exist. And I was filled with immense guilt and remorse. And the realization that nothing will ever be the same again. I miss the financial security I had. I miss the recognition I had. I miss the respect I thought I had.
But it was all fleeting.
Nothing feels permanent.
Nothing feels secure.
I was already in the grips of depression and alcoholism at that time. I was already struggling with everything I find challenging now. But it felt easier, because I had an important job, with a high income and great benefits. I thought I had friends and colleagues that respected me. But now, I am not meeting my financial obligations. I am not a success and I’m in a dead end job. And work colleagues? The only time I hear from any of them is when I look at LinkedIn and I see they’ve been promoted or have been moving on in their careers in other companies. Everyone has forgotten me. No one gives a shit that I have devolved into a complete fucking loser.
I know this is all because I’m still connected to the past. I mean, it’s been over FOUR FUCKING YEARS! I don’t know why I can’t get past it all. I don’t know why I keep returning to it all and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck can’t I be successful? I would have done ANYTHING to maintain the life I had. Looking back, I know that my depression was merely a sense of entitlement. Even then I felt I deserved more than what I had. I used to whine and complain then – obviously, I didn’t appreciate what I had.
God is punishing me.
That’s always my first thought when I think about what happened in the past. God must be trying to make me see that there is more to life than money and career. He is punishing me for not appreciating what I had then. And of course, since he’s punishing me for that, why not lump in everything else about me that is fucked up. I drink too much. I am always angry with everything. I’ve sucked dick before – that’s a sin too, right? I’ve lied, cheated, acted selfishly, etc., etc. I mean, why should He spread it all out? Get it done and over with, God!
But it has been four years. Nothing has been wonderful in the past four years. I still have a shitty marriage. I still have a shitty financial situation. I still have a shitty life. I’m still all fucked up when it comes to emotions. I’m still fucking myself in my own ass with my attitude. And these thoughts always lead me to the considerations I had in July 2015 and January 1996 – completely dark times.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? How do I get out of this shit thinking?
Fuck you God!
Fuck you life!