I’m going to try sobriety again.
I’m truly sick of it. I kinda feel like I broke the pledge to myself that I just made last week. And I know it, based on this past weekend. I am not going to lie and say I’ve handled drinking very well, because I haven’t. But I know the pattern – it’s a self-deception that I have led myself to believe I can drink like a normal person. But I’m also not going to beat myself up either. Alcoholism is a fucked up disease, and maybe I have it, and maybe I don’t. But does it really matter if I treat it like I do? I mean, why not live a life of sobriety if it helps me achieve what I really want out of life?
I have a lot of things to work through and it’s no different than any other attempt, but I would like to think that my purpose and intention are true. I know I don’t like feeling the way I do and I know that this is the same sob story I’ve told numerous times, but something has to change. And I know the only real thing that can be changed is me – how I react to things. That’s it.
And this past weekend – without going into incredible detail – was an embarrassing and horrible situation. I reacted to someone in a negative way – a way I am far from proud of doing, because it involved ignoring the values and principles I have had growing up. I entertained sinking to a pathetic level of vindictiveness.
It’s not who I am. It’s not what I want to be. It’s not what I want.
It’s not what I want.
Ugh…remind me to learn to deal with my damn regret and resentments. I’m tired of being a pussy.
But this is Day 2.