I refuse to give up: Day 2

I’m going to try sobriety again.

I’m truly sick of it.  I kinda feel like I broke the pledge to myself that I just made last week. And I know it, based on this past weekend. I am not going to lie and say I’ve handled drinking very well, because I haven’t. But I know the pattern – it’s a self-deception that I have led myself to believe I can drink like a normal person. But I’m also not going to beat myself up either. Alcoholism is a fucked up disease, and maybe I have it, and maybe I don’t. But does it really matter if I treat it like I do?  I mean, why not live a life of sobriety if it helps me achieve what I really want out of life?

I have a lot of things to work through and it’s no different than any other attempt, but I would like to think that my purpose and intention are true.  I know I don’t like feeling the way I do and I know that this is the same sob story I’ve told numerous times, but something has to change. And I know the only real thing that can be changed is me – how I react to things.  That’s it.

And this past weekend – without going into incredible detail – was an embarrassing and horrible situation. I reacted to someone in a negative way – a way I am far from proud of doing, because it involved ignoring the values and principles I have had growing up. I entertained sinking to a pathetic level of vindictiveness.

It’s not who I am. It’s not what I want to be. It’s not what I want.

It’s not what I want.

Ugh…remind me to learn to deal with my damn regret and resentments. I’m tired of being a pussy.

But this is Day 2.

17 thoughts on “I refuse to give up: Day 2

  1. Please be kind to yourself. We get to decide who we are every day, and if you didn’t like who you were over the weekend, you don’t have to be that person again. And the person you reacted to, if they are human, have made the same kinds of mistakes a time or three, and should know and embrace forgiveness. It’s a beautiful thing.

    Also, thank you for your encouragement on my blog, it meant a lot to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just can’t imagine you ever being vindictive. You are one of the sweetest guys ever. But, no doubt alcohol can change who we are fast. I speak from experience. I believe in you but don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have vices whether it’s alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc. There’s something in all of us that we run to when we need a “fix”.

    Liked by 1 person

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