I’m not sure why it scares me so much, but I made an appointment to see a therapist. I’m scheduled for this Friday. I know I’ve been combating a lot of demons – alcohol abuse, depression, self-image and self-esteem, relationship conflicts, hopelessness, anxiety, sexuality, financial stress, etc. It’s a smorgasbord of mental bullshit, but it’s long over due.
The last therapist I saw was just over four years ago. She helped me tremendously and I felt a sense of love for her and the process. She was the first person I discussed my sexuality with in detail and she was focused on helping me see the destructive nature of my thoughts and thinking. She was also the one that handed me a list of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and literally ordered me to go. She helped me, tremendously. I haven’t seen another therapist, since, and she is no longer available because she moved back to her home state. So, I called my doctor’s office and received a referral for a mental health group that my insurance approves.
I have some apprehension though. Obviously, getting to understand a new therapist and that therapist getting to know me is a process. How will I know, if she (I always choose female therapists, because they always seem to understand emotions better than male therapists – intuition, I’m sure) is just as accepting as my last one? Then, of course, the costs. There are always deductibles and co-payments and when you’re struggling financially, this creates additional stress for me. Additionally, the insurance company set me up with a therapist that has a “Christian perspective to therapy” – and my sexuality might be a conflict. So, I am worried…that’s for sure.
But, I need it. I know I need it. I haven’t written it out or shared it with anyone, but I have had some majorly dark thoughts – they may or may not have been suicidal – and I know I have been in crisis before. I’m not a danger to myself at the moment and I believe I’m thinking rationally, so I believe this is the right course of action. I feel like I’m on the right course and I am using my BMJ to assist in that, but I also think that I am in need of a course of action that brings about a long term solution to my issues. Ultimately, I’m going to be open-minded.