Continuing down the path of creating a more beautiful me, I love the way Day 9 begins in the book Beautiful You: “Our words aren’t just empty. They are a road map to how we are feeling about ourselves.” And, I don’t think anything more true can be said about them. To me, I think words evoke visualization and visualization provokes change. The author suggests writing in our journals the answers to certain questions that are reflective on the things we say to ourselves – such as “I’m fat.” She poses the idea to women that there is a purpose behind the words we use and the motivation behind those words need to be addressed.
This reminds me of an exercise a therapist had me do a few years ago. She asked me to spend a week making a list of some of the things I say to myself – especially the negative things. So, I’m going to go through that exercise again – I am going to expose myself to all of you who are reading this. Although, some of these things may have changed, since I wrote them for my therapist, others are still very much relevant and useful tools for Hilda to use against me.
Things I say to myself (not good):
- You’re fat
- You’re ugly
- You’re a loser.
- Why can’t you manage money?
- Look at you quit all the things you love.
- You’re never going to find real love.
- You deserve to be treated like shit.
- Bisexual is practically gay. Fag.
- Why should my kids respect me?
- You’re pathetic.
- Lazy fat ass.
- You’re getting too old to do anything.
- Give up. It ain’t worth it.
- Why are you even alive?
- Fucking pussy.
- You’re not supposed to be married; you have no clue what you’re doing.
- Why would anyone hire your ugly ass?
- I’m too fucking hairy.
- Ugh…I’m bald and ugly.
- You’re never going to be in shape, don’t even try.
- No wonder you drink!
- I hate myself.
- Why would anyone want you?
- You have an ugly smile.
- You’re never going to get out of debt.
- You’re old, there’s no way you’ll ever be successful now.
- Women don’t like you, guys don’t like you, so you might as well just accept the shitty marriage you’re in.
- You have nothing left. There’s nothing you can do to make it.
- I fucking hate being a diabetic.
I’ve only listed 30 things I say to myself. There are more, and having reviewed just this list, it is obvious to me I MUST change my mindset. Tomorrow’s entry to my Beautiful Me Journal will offer some counter to this. My hope for the time being is to recognize that I have the power and ability to change this all.