Overwhelmed, but I am human.

This morning, I was hit with a mild panic attack.  It’s rare I get these, but they do happen. I had such a feeling of being overwhelmed by everything in my life and I know it is part of what leads to my depression. And I find myself “stuck” on trying to solve so many of these problems and challenges.  I felt my heart rate quicken, my vision narrowed, my breathing became rapid and I felt like I was going to scream (on a side note, I often wonder how much stress I would burn if I allowed myself to scream), but felt like that my motivation disappeared almost as fast as the sense of fight or flight entered my mind.  I am thankful that it was temporary and dissipated, but I still have the worries.

Granted, I have summarized (I’m too lazy to go find the post right now, because it feels like a responsibility and I don’t want to, so there…neener, neener, neener!) what I think my biggest problems are and I have bunched them into three categories: 1.) Spiritual 2.) Health 3.) Financial.  And it feels like that solving number three will allow me to pursue the other two.  And it’s no irony I have them listed in the order they are in – I recognize the text book answer on what would be the right priorities. I can’t seem to let go of the financial aspect of many of my challenges.

I’ve decided to list some of the things that were bothering me that led to the panic attack:

1. The condition of my home sucks.
2. I don’t have a working air conditioner, so my house is hot as hell.
3. The siding is in desperate need of replacement.
4. And my roof has hail damage with some soft spots. Insurance would cover it right? Except I used the disbursement to care for my family when I got laid off and didn’t work for two months this last go-around.
5. My sprinkler is busted up and hasn’t been used in over ten years.
6. I don’t have a lawn. I have a fucking dirt pit with weeds and desperate blades of grass trying to poke through.
7. The fence around my back yard is barely standing and I’m worried one of these days it’s going to fall.
8. I bought a used car last February and I can’t get it registered because it won’t pass emissions testing. The part I need costs $325, and I don’t have two pennies to rub together by month’s end each month.
9. And don’t even get me started on all of my debts.
10. My job isn’t the worst, but there is no room for advancement and I highly doubt the company will ever be in the position of paying me what I earned before. I am applying for jobs left and right and every application is being turned down.
11. My health sucks.  I try and eat healthy and then it’s like I forget and go back to comfort. I know I can control this, but I’m not.
12. I can’t seem to wake up early enough to try and exercise. I try and go for a 30 minute walk every evening, but it’s like something unexpected comes up every evening and by the time I’m done, I am tired and ready to go to bed.
13. I’m driving for Lyft part time to make ends meet, but there is no slack in the line. I’m back to not paying all of my obligations.
14. Working so much provides me no down time to do anything I enjoy.
15. My marriage still has major unaddressed problems, but on a positive note we aren’t arguing.
16. School is coming up and I have no money to get my youngest supplies or new clothes. His summer vacation completely sucked because we did absolutely nothing during his time off.
17. I try and pray to God, but I just don’t feel like He exists. I can’t stand going to church anymore and I don’t know how many times I’ve tried top find alternative paths to spirituality to only be left with a feeling of “This is fucking bullshit.” And then I trough the fact that I’ve sucked a few dicks in my life as an exact reason God might hate me.
18. I’d like to go to AA, but I don’;t want to deal with the fucking “…be willing to do anything for your sobriety…” mentality, because sobriety doesn’t seem to match all of my obligations and responsibilities. It’s inconvenient. And I still question if I’m actually an alcoholic, since I don’t get drunk.
19. I have no socialization with people outside of social media.
20. I’ve got about 15 fucking books I’ve started reading, but can’t sit and concentrate long enough to finish even one.  (Is this really that fucking important?)

There are more things, but this list is certainly some of the shit I feel overwhelmed about.  I know yesterday I provided a list of things that I say to myself and a lot of those things originate from the things that bother me in life. I also promised I would provide a little positivity in a post today, but I needed to get this crap out of me, so I don’t actually scream.