I’m really struggling with my anxiety and depression today. Sunday, I was feeling super positive and motivated to make some real changes in my life, but here I am two days later and I’m struggling with simple tasks. It took everything in me to get in the shower this morning, as an example. I can’t seem to see an end to my current situation, I can’t seem to see any light in this dark tunnel. And, I’m on the verge of bawling…
I’m not sure what it is. Well, I kinda do… It’s the idea that I have to live my life, I can’t escape it and I know I want to. My desire right now is to sink back into a 6 pack of beer and just forget everything, just let everything go because I have this delusion that no one gives a shit about me. My mind (or Hilda) is telling me none of my efforts matter. All of my struggles will amount to nothing. And it stems from some simple things, really.
You see, on Sunday, I began making myself a list of things I need to do. Chores, tasks to change my behavior, small goals to work on my spirituality, some things to help me better accept myself, and a desire to really begin working on my health. And two days later, I feel like nothing but a complete fucking failure because I have not done much of any of it. And nothing seems to be working towards my long term goals, either.
My financial situation is certainly the one thing that weighs on my mind the most. I know this shouldn’t be the biggest concern, but it is. It is the thing that I can’t seem to get a leg up on. I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy and only getting rejection after rejection. Even the part time jobs I’m trying to get so I can make ends meet are not happening. It feels like everything is getting worse.
And now I’m all teary eyed and I feel like crying.
I don’t know why I attach shame to that. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed when you are overwhelmed. It’s completely normal to have feelings of inadequacy. It’s completely normal to accept my human condition. But sometimes, I just want to be held. I want someone to rock me, caress me and tell me everything will be alright. I suppose that’s an unrealistic expectation as an adult.
But, I’m going to take one small success from all of this whining and crying about my situation. Last night, my anxiety was horrible and I wanted to drink so effing bad. I didn’t. I didn’t drink. Instead, I read the bible. I didn’t read much, but it was enough to settle my mind. And it’s settling my mind that I have the most trouble doing anymore.
So, maybe this is a success. Maybe I can capitalize on this reality.
I’m into Day 2. I don’t need to drink today.