A Little Less Hilda and a Little More Stephanie.

This morning, I had a full scale attack from Hilda.  As many of you already know, from reading my blog, Hilda is my arch nemesis and she is that little voice that lives inside my head that attacks me with weapons of negativity on a regular basis.  This morning, she had ran a chaotic rage inside of me.  I pushed her down and out of my mind, however, I’m not going to go into details some of the negative thoughts she brought out – for the simple point that I do not want to relive it.

I often do discuss these things and get them out of my head in the form of blogging about them. And often, I receive wonderful advice from people that suggest I replace the negative thoughts with positive ones – much like a comment I saw on yesterday’s post. Personifying Hilda has certainly helped me identify the things I say to myself the person that doesn’t have my best interest’s at heart, so I can learn to not listen to her. But replacing the negative with the positive hasn’t always been done very successfully with me. Although, I have another “personality” (Goodness, I sound like someone with a split personality disorder. Rest assured, I’m well aware of these moods as simple personifications of my emotions) that I call Stephanie. Today, as I pushed Hilda out of my mind and found myself yearning for Stephanie to be in it, I also realized I don’t let Stephanie out to play nearly enough.

I don’t know why that is…

Maybe it’s because I’m self-conscious what the perception of others’ might be if I exhibited more qualities that Stephanie may or may not possess. For some reason, I feel weird or odd identifying with femininity knowing I have a penis, and look, sound, act very masculine. But there is something about feminine things I find appealing and encouraging. Of course, maybe it has a lot to do with the major feminine influence I had from my mom and her sisters until I was 4 or five years old – the time I finally had a dad. Then I ponder the times I did feminine things – like playing with my cousin and dressing in her clothes and pretending to be a girl when we were kids. And I can’t forget, nor ignore the times my girl friend would dress me in her clothes “for fun” and I found a certain comfort in them. I’m also, never offended, when someone online thinks I’m female – quite the contrary, actually, I am tickled pink by it. Occasionally, I’ll have a little fun with it all too and find some online quiz that probably has no legitimacy, but identifies my brain as feminine based on the answers to questions asked.


And, on the other hand, I find the idea of being a woman to be weird. I was born male, I identify as male in a lot of aspects of my life. No one looking at me would even think I have any physical characteristics that look feminine. Even when a male role model had finally come into my life, I felt I always wanted to pursue maleness. Even when I took a lot of legitimate psychological exams, they identified me as being a typical male – or displaying typical masculine characteristics. So, I don’t know why I enjoy feeling girly at times.

I’ve had people suggest to me before, that I might be transgender or transsexual (honestly, I’m too ignorant to offer any observation that is relevant), but I have never had any desire to have a sex-change (okay…there might have been one little time, but it didn’t last long). In fact, I truly believe it is important to live life as you are (yes, even I, who has so much difficulty being who I am) – male, female, straight, gay, bisexual, whatever…  I also think that there are something that you have to be careful about – such as the effects of depression. We would never advise a depressed individual to carry out any of the self-destructive thoughts they have, so there are some caveats to some things in life that are natural. I’m somewhat of a trans-skeptic too – i think the population of trans as compared to society is extremely low (not non-existent, mind you, just low). I’m also of the mindset that the overwhelming majority of people who identify this way has a lot to do with their brains and brain chemistry. But, I tend to be a scientist, by nature, and believe in letting science speak for itself.

But, as I realize I’m starting to ramble down a topic I don’t know much about, the point I’m trying to make is that I allow Hilda out too much and I don’t give Stephanie a fair chance at life within me. I enjoy Stephanie, I enjoy feeling like she does – positive and happy.

8 thoughts on “A Little Less Hilda and a Little More Stephanie.

  1. You need to slip Hilda a mickey or something that’ll keep her from showing up and raining on your parade so often but, the bad news is that whenever you start beating yourself up over things, you just open the door for her and reduce your chances of having Stephanie show up instead.

    Why do you do this? Because you’re more focused on what’s wrong with you than what is right about you.

    Are you transsexual or transgendered? I wouldn’t go as far as to say that because I know a lot of very masculine guys who has a very feminine alter ego and they also happen to be bisexual. Some of them are happy cross-dressers, happy to leave the business suit behind in favor of more comfortable and alluring feminine accoutrements even though a few of them are the “ugliest women” I’ve ever seen – but we laugh about it because they know they ain’t “good looking women” and no matter what they do… but the whole point is that they’re able to let their inner girl out and that’s what makes them feel good about themselves – and right alongside of the reality of being male and doing guy stuff.

    Depression can hit anyone at any time; I myself live in a constant state of depression because I’m in a lot of constant pain and other debilitating thing left behind by the stroke I had. The trick is to not let yourself fall into the pit and to the point where you can’t get yourself out of it. I don’t throw pity parties for myself over what I experienced; instead, the focus is always about doing the best I can with what I have to work with.

    In this, there’s nothing anyone can do to “fix” what’s wrong with me and since I’m also a child of science, I know this; maybe one day medical science will be able to reverse the effects of strokes on people but I’m not gonna hold my breath waiting for that to happen any time soon. I don’t have a Hilda or a Stephanie running around in my head; maybe I did at some point in my life and, if so, they both got assimilated into one mental entity: It’s just me in there and only one “other” voice to put up with.

    And when that other voice starts trying to rain on my parade, it gets a ball gag real quick because I don’t have time to listen to the dumb shit that’ll come from that nameless, genderless voice. I know and have learned to shut it up and it’s not any easy thing to do… but it’s a necessary one. Besides, that other voice isn’t going to be telling me anything I don’t already know so there’s no point in listening to it.

    If I could suggest anything of value, it’s to stop feeling weird about being male and “female.” The science says and proves that all men have female elements in them – it’s just that the male characteristics are dominant and the social conditioning we receive reinforces those male characteristics and usually tends to suppress our inner girl to the point where “she” doesn’t really exist except as an unremovable part of our genetic makeup. You know you’re not the only guy with “women living in their head” so you can’t be all that weird and more so when those men don’t think of themselves as being weird… and because they’ve found a way to stop kicking their own ass about their feminine alter ego – it serves no purpose other than to make life less fun than it should be.

    And the first thing they’ve done is to not look at themselves as being weird. They understand that our programming to be male and all that shit we’re told about what it means to be a man and male isn’t the real truth of things and, oddly enough, it’s something that bisexual men tend to find out and more so those guys who just love to “be the girl” when sex with another guy is on the menu… or even when it used to be on the menu but, damned, that being male thing has priority and out of necessity.

    You kinda/sorta know me by now and my sexuality – and the part of it that gets a kick out of doing “girly things” – isn’t something I struggle with; the extra voice in my head has nothing to say about it other than to say, “Yeah, so what? Not saying anything I didn’t know already so what’s your point?” That voice and I agree on this: I’m bisexual and like doing “girly” things in this – it is what it is and we have better things to do than to debate the issue – let’s move on to what we want for dinner, shall we?

    You go to therapy, which is a good thing but even in this, nothing the best therapist in the world can say or do is gonna help until you decide to take action to not only settle things down in your mind – and shut Hilda up once and for all – but to make sure that bitch stays locked away and you have to be 100% dedicated toward this goal.

    Otherwise, Hilda will show up and her only job is to keep fucking your life up at every turn. Find a way to shut her the fuck up and, nope, there’s no way to do this with a cold one in your hand – but you know this already.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know why I never saw this before, but once again you say so much that is powerfully relevant to the things I could look at it a more positive way. I’m glad I came across this today.


      1. My friend, I have no idea why you spend “so much time” listening to Hilda when, clearly, Stephanie is a hell of a lot more fun as a persona. Hmm… which would I prefer to do: Listen to the cock-blocking, hateful bitch in my head… or listen to the one whose purpose for living in my head is to make me happy with myself?

        Easy choice…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m thinking that, no, she doesn’t; she’s a fan of cock and not of a mind to deprive herself. Hilda – that cunt – is all about raining on your parade and doing all the cock blocking she can get away with.

        Stephanie should punch Hilda dead in the face…

        Liked by 1 person

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