This morning, I had a full scale attack from Hilda. As many of you already know, from reading my blog, Hilda is my arch nemesis and she is that little voice that lives inside my head that attacks me with weapons of negativity on a regular basis. This morning, she had ran a chaotic rage inside of me. I pushed her down and out of my mind, however, I’m not going to go into details some of the negative thoughts she brought out – for the simple point that I do not want to relive it.
I often do discuss these things and get them out of my head in the form of blogging about them. And often, I receive wonderful advice from people that suggest I replace the negative thoughts with positive ones – much like a comment I saw on yesterday’s post. Personifying Hilda has certainly helped me identify
the things I say to myself the person that doesn’t have my best interest’s at heart, so I can learn to not listen to her. But replacing the negative with the positive hasn’t always been done very successfully with me. Although, I have another “personality” (Goodness, I sound like someone with a split personality disorder. Rest assured, I’m well aware of these moods as simple personifications of my emotions) that I call Stephanie. Today, as I pushed Hilda out of my mind and found myself yearning for Stephanie to be in it, I also realized I don’t let Stephanie out to play nearly enough.
I don’t know why that is…
Maybe it’s because I’m self-conscious what the perception of others’ might be if I exhibited more qualities that Stephanie may or may not possess. For some reason, I feel weird or odd identifying with femininity knowing I have a penis, and look, sound, act very masculine. But there is something about feminine things I find appealing and encouraging. Of course, maybe it has a lot to do with the major feminine influence I had from my mom and her sisters until I was 4 or five years old – the time I finally had a dad. Then I ponder the times I did feminine things – like playing with my cousin and dressing in her clothes and pretending to be a girl when we were kids. And I can’t forget, nor ignore the times my girl friend would dress me in her clothes “for fun” and I found a certain comfort in them. I’m also, never offended, when someone online thinks I’m female – quite the contrary, actually, I am tickled pink by it. Occasionally, I’ll have a little fun with it all too and find some online quiz that probably has no legitimacy, but identifies my brain as feminine based on the answers to questions asked.
And, on the other hand, I find the idea of being a woman to be weird. I was born male, I identify as male in a lot of aspects of my life. No one looking at me would even think I have any physical characteristics that look feminine. Even when a male role model had finally come into my life, I felt I always wanted to pursue maleness. Even when I took a lot of legitimate psychological exams, they identified me as being a typical male – or displaying typical masculine characteristics. So, I don’t know why I enjoy feeling girly at times.
I’ve had people suggest to me before, that I might be transgender or transsexual (honestly, I’m too ignorant to offer any observation that is relevant), but I have never had any desire to have a sex-change (okay…there might have been one little time, but it didn’t last long). In fact, I truly believe it is important to live life as you are (yes, even I, who has so much difficulty being who I am) – male, female, straight, gay, bisexual, whatever… I also think that there are something that you have to be careful about – such as the effects of depression. We would never advise a depressed individual to carry out any of the self-destructive thoughts they have, so there are some caveats to some things in life that are natural. I’m somewhat of a trans-skeptic too – i think the population of trans as compared to society is extremely low (not non-existent, mind you, just low). I’m also of the mindset that the overwhelming majority of people who identify this way has a lot to do with their brains and brain chemistry. But, I tend to be a scientist, by nature, and believe in letting science speak for itself.
But, as I realize I’m starting to ramble down a topic I don’t know much about, the point I’m trying to make is that I allow Hilda out too much and I don’t give Stephanie a fair chance at life within me. I enjoy Stephanie, I enjoy feeling like she does – positive and happy.