To say I struggle with alcohol is probably the understatement of the year. But, I truly would like to think I’ve had my last beer last night. I’ve got a lot going on and my emotions are all over the place, but I really feel that the only thing drinking has done is cloud my thinking. Honestly? That’s totally been my goal, but I’m also starting to feel like I can’t solve any of my problems, because I don’t have a clear mind right now.
I don’t want to beat myself up over it. I don’t want to criticize myself. I don’t want to feel bad anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to face the negative self-deprecation I put myself through over my mistakes. I just want to pull up my big girl panties and move the fuck on.
I’ve been applying like crazy for second jobs. And I’ve been getting interviews. Some seem really great and some not so much. I’ve got a potential 2nd job as a dishwasher at a restaurant and I’m strongly considering taking it, just to get that second income coming in. I had some things happen over the last month that is putting me about $1000 per month in the hole, so I have to counteract that. And I’m tired of avoiding the reality.
I’ve got asshole dogs too. They tore a hole in a fence of mine and got into a neighbor’s yard. It happens to be a neighbor that is constantly calling animal control because my dogs bark. I’m tired of avoiding that situation too. It has to be addressed – I’m strongly considering getting rid of my dogs, because they are overwhelming right now and takes away from my focus on the things I can manage in my life right now.
I simply feel overwhelmed, but I know I don’t want to succumb to the negativity. I want to keep trying and I want to overcome challenges.
I just know, deep down, that I can’t do that if I continue drinking. This shit needs to stop.