I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me whine and cry, but I’m gonna do it again today. I have to. I have to get the negativity out of me to avoid a visit from Hilda (I just wish I knew how to bring Stephanie out more often). And, I also realize that today’s emotions feel worse because I am making another attempt at quitting drinking. But here it goes, here is my whine and cry for the day.
I’m financially fucked. I have a couple thousand dollars in debts for medical bills. I have about $10k in debt from credit cards. I have a car payment. I have a small personal loan (that’ll finally be paid off this month). I also have a mortgage, student loans and a Home Equity Loan. If I totaled everything up, I am in debt ~$500k. I also have about $20,000 worth of home repairs needed. Furthermore, I can no longer drive for Lyft, because my vehicle registration is expired – I now have two cars, in which I’m driving on expired plates. I’m totally and utterly fucked.
This past week, I was trying to come up with solutions. I managed to cut my monthly spending by about $300. I’ve been looking for a second job. I even tried to get a second home equity loan to pay off my debt or refinance a lower payment. It was denied. I keep trying and trying and everything keeps getting worse and worse.
And I decided to stop drinking.
I wanted to hide how I feel.
That’s usually my go to answer. But today it is worse. I want to drink. I want to fuck indiscriminately. I want to take a long drive and never come back. I want to do something crazy. I just don’t know what that is anymore.
I don’t know how to get a proper reprieve from my stress and frustration, but I can’t escape any of it. I know, I know, I know what I really need to do is face it and deal with it. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to face it and come up with a solution that works. I don’t want to avoid responsibility, but I can’t seem to figure it out.
I can’t tolerate the “Pray and Let God Figure It Out” mentality. I’ve done that. God doesn’t answer stuff like that. Maybe I just don’t get prayer. Maybe I just don’t know where to put my faith. I’m struggling and I can’t seem to find the route to take. I don’t mind sacrifice, I don’t mind working hard, but I’m feeling so old that I feel like I have no time left. I feel like any chance I have of leaving any kind of legacy to my kids or to anyone that wants to remember me is gone. I have nothing left.
And I want to drink so fucking bad.
I want to fuck so fucking bad.
I want to run away so fucking bad.
I want to fuck it all so fucking bad.
I don’t know what to do.
…but, I’ll try and keep from drinking.