Feeling Out of Control

I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me whine and cry, but I’m gonna do it again today. I have to. I have to get the negativity out of me to avoid a visit from Hilda (I just wish I knew how to bring Stephanie out more often).  And, I also realize that today’s emotions feel worse because I am making another attempt at quitting drinking. But here it goes, here is my whine and cry for the day.

I’m financially fucked. I have a couple thousand dollars in debts for medical bills. I have about $10k in debt from credit cards. I have a car payment. I have a small personal loan (that’ll finally be paid off this month). I also have a mortgage, student loans and a Home Equity Loan. If I totaled everything up, I am in debt ~$500k. I also have about $20,000 worth of home repairs needed. Furthermore, I can no longer drive for Lyft, because my vehicle registration is expired – I now have two cars, in which I’m driving on expired plates. I’m totally and utterly fucked.

This past week, I was trying to come up with solutions. I managed to cut my monthly spending by about $300. I’ve been looking for a second job. I even tried to get a second home equity loan to pay off my debt or refinance a lower payment. It was denied. I keep trying and trying and everything keeps getting worse and worse.

And I decided to stop drinking.

I wanted to hide how I feel.

That’s usually my go to answer.  But today it is worse. I want to drink. I want to fuck indiscriminately. I want to take a long drive and never come back. I want to do something crazy. I just don’t know what that is anymore.

I don’t know how to get a proper reprieve from my stress and frustration, but I can’t escape any of it.  I know, I know, I know what I really need to do is face it and deal with it. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to face it and come up with a solution that works. I don’t want to avoid responsibility, but I can’t seem to figure it out.

I can’t tolerate the “Pray and Let God Figure It Out” mentality. I’ve done that. God doesn’t answer stuff like that. Maybe I just don’t get prayer. Maybe I just don’t know where to put my faith. I’m struggling and I can’t seem to find the route to take. I don’t mind sacrifice, I don’t mind working hard, but I’m feeling so old that I feel like I have no time left. I feel like any chance I have of leaving any kind of legacy to my kids or to anyone that wants to remember me is gone. I have nothing left.

And I want to drink so fucking bad.

I want to fuck so fucking bad.

I want to run away so fucking bad.

I want to fuck it all so fucking bad.

I don’t know what to do.

Maybe nothing…

…but, I’ll try and keep from drinking.

 

8 thoughts on “Feeling Out of Control

  1. I have no advice but I can tell you I empathize. Today is the only thing you need to worry about…sometimes just the minute. For me, when I think about all my problems….which includes massive debt and medical issues….I start to lose my shit. It’s not easy to turn your brain off but for me, that’s where prayer come in. I don’t think I know how to pray properly as I never attended church but I just have quiet conversations with my higher power and just dump all my worries in those conversations. It doesn’t always work but it allows me to get things out of my head!

    Keep your head up and know that you’re doing all you can! Money comes and goes but you are whats most important!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This too shall pass. I don’t mean to be trite, but I’m old and been through as much or more and it really does pass. Keep an open heart and open mind to the miraculous…those can happen too. It hurts like fuck when you’re in the thick of it, I know, but it will pass. You’re on a heroic journey….with everything that that entails. Sometimes just a good night’s sleep can make all the difference! (((((Hugs))))))💜

    Liked by 1 person

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