BMJ: Day 25 – Engage the World

I’ve often heard that the best way to build my self-esteem is to perform things that are esteemable. I certainly love that thought and that idea. At one time, I felt like anyone/everyone could rely on me for favors, assistance and help.  Somewhere, somehow, it feels like I have become someone that is no longer dependable to others.I’m not sure how or why, but no one ever asks me for help now. I have theories, but I don’t trust my own perception anymore, so I tend to ignore those thoughts and feelings. But, I get how doing things for others can change how one thinks and acts and can see the positive feel-goods they give others. It’s a beautiful thing, really.

But, nowadays, I feel like I don’t even know what to do or how to do it. I’m not sure if it’s the feeling of always being overwhelmed. I don’t know if it’s because I no longer seem to understand what should or should not be prioritized. I’m not sure if my actions towards others are welcome or appreciated. I’m filled with utter doubt on many of these things. I don’t even know what I would be interested in doing for others, because it seems like my patience and attention span completely stinks.

And, sadly, I feel isolated from the world. Although it is a self-imposed (there’s a lot to this, but I must be responsible for myself) reality, it is still a hindrance in my life I don’t know how to break and I know it is preventing me from engaging in the world. But, I also feel like I just don’t know what to do or how to do it.

But in today’s Beautiful Me Journal, the author of this book is asking me to list the things I already do. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I do anything now, so I’ll list things I have done before:

  • Volunteered for church activities
  • When I was engaged in TaeKwon-Do, I always volunteered to help with any event, any activity, any way I can be involved.
  • After high school, I had a teacher ask me to help out with a summer school program to help tutor some of the kids that had struggled
  • Whenever family had some project – painting, fence building, yard clean-up, whatever, I always accepted the request.
  • others, etc.

8 thoughts on “BMJ: Day 25 – Engage the World

  1. Methinks the key to a better sense of self-esteem begins with having confidence in yourself and knowing that, at the very least, you tried to do whatever and to the best of your ability. Doing esteemable things sounds like a good idea… you still have to believe and have confidence that you can do them and whatever they may be.

    So many self-help books written about how to love yourself and all that but like with so many things, you first have to want to love yourself and be confident that you can and will do whatever is necessary to achieve this goal even though life’s not going to sit still and leave you alone while you re-find yourself.

    A lot of poor or missing self-esteem also comes from others not believing, having faith, or any confidence in us; it sucks to have someone think that you don’t have what it takes to do a thing or, in some cases, not do a thing. If it’s a thing you can’t do (or stop doing), the real reason why you can’t is because you don’t believe or have confidence in yourself that you can stop doing whatever it is that makes others less confident about you.

    Your self-esteem can take a horrible beating if you try to live your life the way other people think you should be – and you find that it’s really not that easy and you wind up suffering many failures and setbacks until you start thinking that you just flat-out suck… but that’s what happens when you let other people run your life and imposing their will on you and more so when one bad side effect is your belief and confidence in yourself gets eroded.

    And, at some point, you know that shit has to stop, that you have to wrest back control of your life – then believe and have confidence that you can do it and in the face of much resistance that will surely appear to keep you where they want you to be: Beaten down, full of disbelief in yourself, lacking confidence, and properly cowed and submitted.

    Not only no but hell no. And this is where rebuilding one’s self-esteem begins; this is where one starts to – or gets back to – believing in themselves and being confident that they can do the best they can do. Doing stuff that’s esteemable is fine and dandy… but those things are really kinda secondary (or further down the list) compared to what you have to do to build yourself back up. Methinks there’s nothing more esteemable than repairing your self-esteem because if I’ve learning nothing in my life, I’ve learn that you can’t do shit for anyone else until you can do something for yourself.

    Rule Number One: Take care of your own ass first. And if others have to wait until you can do that, well, they’ll just have to wait, won’t they? They’ll bitch and moan and keep trying to impose their will upon you so that you keep doing their bidding…

    And if that doesn’t totally and completely piss you off and get you motivated to get your ass in gear and your act together, well, my friend, I just don’t know what to tell you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have felt the same many times before and still do. Some days I’m on top of the world and feel like I could tackle anything and other days I don’t know where to start first and doubt creeps in. I would say it’s normal and phases we all go through, I also think a healthy balance between being a people pleaser and time alone to recharge is essential. I love people but I also need much alone time and people can be draining. Especially as an empath. Sometimes the whole picture is overwhelming and too big. Breaking it down and picking one thing to start can make a big difference. Hugs ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Again, something you say I can totally relate to – being an empath. I find myself talking on other people’s problems or feelings and it’s so difficult at times. Sometimes, life feels like it’s teetering on an edge and I don’t know where it might fall. I know what I need, but sometimes what I needs seems to make others feel bad. I have not yet developed an ability to not take control over how someone else feels….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know my dear friend and sometimes it’s a difficult balance. It happened to me too and it came down to making a choice. Like you I knew what I needed and I had to decide if the people feeling bad about it truly belonged in my life. If they did, could I love without what I needed? It will all fall into place, most likely when you stop resisting and feeling the need to have control over all of it. You truly got this and one day you will look back and the troubles will be a distant memory. Here is to those times. How about we shout it from a mountain top together when you come visit.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Maybe something to ponder some more. They say a lesson keeps coming up until we fully learn it. Sometimes that makes me believe that it is up to us to pit these experiences behind us and just learn the darn lesson already.

        Liked by 1 person

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