The title of this post is a thought that hit me this morning, but it is not suicidal like Hamlet’s introspection of his suffering. Rather, it’s relevant to me trying to figure out who I am, what I want and where I should be going with my life. I’ve had several days where I was feeling rather positive, but today I’m not sure how I feel. Honestly, I’d like to say I’m feeling down, depressed or hopeless… But it’s not that – at least not exactly.
There is something there, however, something I can’t quite put my finger on. I feel like I want to delete my entire online presence and drift off into some sort of off-the-grid-I-don’t-want-the-world-to-know-I-exist way of living. On the other hand, I want some sort of personal validation that I’m a wonderful individual with lots of family and friends around me. Neither seems like a reality to me.
The reality is, of course, that I feel like my online life is sometimes an addiction. I feel like it interferes with my real life. Or maybe how I feel about my real life is so negative, that the online life has provided me with a way of “living” that feels more appropriate. But, I want reality, I want acceptance, I want so many things that everything feels unfulfilling.
I went so far, yesterday, to create a different Twitter account to relive a persona I had once, many years ago. Obviously, this is a failure in and of itself, because you can’t ever relive the past. But, as I saw suggested contacts and my daughter appeared in the list, it made me instantly realize that I’m not authentic. I’m not authentic in any stretch of the imagination. I deleted that account, for fear of being “discovered”.
I’m beginning to feel guilt and shame over my life and the persona I portray online. Is it fake? No. It’s true I don’t share a lot of details, but I share enough to give people a flavor of who/what I am. And there are glaring contradictions to the way I portray myself online versus offline (Maybe “offline” is a better description that “real life”…). As a small example, I don’t admit to anyone offline that I’m bisexual (I’m going to make a post concerning this matter). Another thing is that I don’t go into a lot of details about my offline relationships (for a number of reasons) while online, but there is a certain dichotomy of this subject too.
The reality is that I am feeling discontent about my offline life versus my online life. And sometimes, I feel like I have opened Pandora’s box and there is no coming back from some things – even if I think I might be wrong about some things. (I realize I’m being somewhat vague, but I felt the need to express some things).
So, to address the question of “To Be or Not To Be?” is a difficult one, I suppose, because I’m not sure what consequences I’m willing to face or what consequences would be too overwhelming. But, life is full of decisions and sometimes I feel like removing myself from the online world is the best one – though, I am unsure.
Some people only have IG, and I have a few friends who are not online at all.
Some recovery posse people went off Twitter, and occasionally look at their FB account, and are very happily living life.
xo
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I can’t find my place, Wendy. I’m kinda scared, actually. I don’t know how to feel good.
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I think you might feel this way because of the difference between your online life and the so called “ real life”. I can see how it could cause you to struggle seeing who you are. Well it actually is that question isn’t it? Who are you? How do you answer this? Only you can and I think it still is something that might needs to be answered. Once you know you will have to find the courage to stand by that person regardless of whether it fits social expectations. It’s the only way you will ever become free. ❤️❤️❤️
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I’m trying. Truly, truly, I’m trying.
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I truly truly know princess. All you need to do is to keep going and not lose faith. I believe in you more than you know.
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Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you aren’t alone by any stretch of the imagination. I think & it’s my personal opinion, that if you are younger its a bit easier to be more open. I’m in the same situation, in that I DONT post or state that I’m a bisexual woman. It’s a personal choice. I’m a wee bit over 50 & just came to terms with it & at this stage its the beginning of my second half of life. We can only post what we are comfortable posting. We can’t reveal our entire personal lives to the world. You aren’t ” wrong” in not doing that. I don’t see you as not being authentic. You yourself, know yourself & who you are. Be proud that you have the courage to acknowledge it ! In the end those that resonate with you will always love & accept you for who you are. Learn to LOVE & accept yourself AS YOU ARE. That’s key& really all that matters….not what others think. Have a wonderful week -:)))
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I’m hank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. For perspective, I turned 47 last weekend.
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I feel it’s very common to have an online vs offline life, try to not allow the worry = non productive energy to consume you. Wishing you a wonderful week & I hope you don’t delete your online self -:)
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I decided not to delete my online self. 🙂 Thank you, so much for your kindness
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