The title of this post is a thought that hit me this morning, but it is not suicidal like Hamlet’s introspection of his suffering. Rather, it’s relevant to me trying to figure out who I am, what I want and where I should be going with my life. I’ve had several days where I was feeling rather positive, but today I’m not sure how I feel. Honestly, I’d like to say I’m feeling down, depressed or hopeless… But it’s not that – at least not exactly.
There is something there, however, something I can’t quite put my finger on. I feel like I want to delete my entire online presence and drift off into some sort of off-the-grid-I-don’t-want-the-world-to-know-I-exist way of living. On the other hand, I want some sort of personal validation that I’m a wonderful individual with lots of family and friends around me. Neither seems like a reality to me.
The reality is, of course, that I feel like my online life is sometimes an addiction. I feel like it interferes with my real life. Or maybe how I feel about my real life is so negative, that the online life has provided me with a way of “living” that feels more appropriate. But, I want reality, I want acceptance, I want so many things that everything feels unfulfilling.
I went so far, yesterday, to create a different Twitter account to relive a persona I had once, many years ago. Obviously, this is a failure in and of itself, because you can’t ever relive the past. But, as I saw suggested contacts and my daughter appeared in the list, it made me instantly realize that I’m not authentic. I’m not authentic in any stretch of the imagination. I deleted that account, for fear of being “discovered”.
I’m beginning to feel guilt and shame over my life and the persona I portray online. Is it fake? No. It’s true I don’t share a lot of details, but I share enough to give people a flavor of who/what I am. And there are glaring contradictions to the way I portray myself online versus offline (Maybe “offline” is a better description that “real life”…). As a small example, I don’t admit to anyone offline that I’m bisexual (I’m going to make a post concerning this matter). Another thing is that I don’t go into a lot of details about my offline relationships (for a number of reasons) while online, but there is a certain dichotomy of this subject too.
The reality is that I am feeling discontent about my offline life versus my online life. And sometimes, I feel like I have opened Pandora’s box and there is no coming back from some things – even if I think I might be wrong about some things. (I realize I’m being somewhat vague, but I felt the need to express some things).
So, to address the question of “To Be or Not To Be?” is a difficult one, I suppose, because I’m not sure what consequences I’m willing to face or what consequences would be too overwhelming. But, life is full of decisions and sometimes I feel like removing myself from the online world is the best one – though, I am unsure.