This past week I had considered eliminating my online existence. Obviously, I didn’t (feel free to thank and praise me later…hahahaha!), but the consideration was real. I’m not sure what it was that had me feeling this way, but sometimes I feel like I share too much of myself online. Sometimes I feel like I do it because I’m screaming inside my head for acceptance and validation. And, sometimes I have online interactions with people that make me contemplate my reality, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, my politics, my beliefs, etc.
I had one such interaction with someone on Twitter earlier last week and it had me feeling as if I didn’t want to be viewed a certain way. I felt oddly ashamed of myself and it felt like how I was representing myself was somehow fake. Granted, I am quite susceptible to some people’s opinions lately. I don’t know why that is, but I thrive off having people’s respect. There was a time, I didn’t give a flying fuck what people thought of me – I was going to do me and I was going to do what I felt was right and I was going to live the best life I could imagine for me. Now? Now, I give in to any whim that people close to me have. And, unfortunately, it’s been extrapolated to everyone around me. I know it’s not healthy, but I’m hoping to change that someday.
Originally, I started blogging, because I wanted to express some of my sexual fantasies, desires, and fictional stories. Then, I decided I needed an outlet to express my relationship woes. Then I decided it was a great way for me to explore my sexual orientation. There were blogs I started that were intended to be a satirical view of my life. Then I found that I felt I had to share every sexual thing I had ever been involved. Not to mention, of course, the many posts I made about my relationship with beer. Once, I even thought I wanted to discuss politics. And another time, I wanted to share my religious beliefs. But, everything seemed to be a jumbled mess of thoughts, feelings and woes. Especially as I began to discuss really personal thoughts and emotions, I realized how much conflict I was putting myself through. Everything seemed to be an internal conflict.
Truthfully, I was blogging from a standpoint of desperation. I was beginning to hate everything about my life, about myself, about everything. I simply could not sort my thoughts, feelings, emotions. But sometimes, in my explorations, I feel like I’ve opened Pandora’s Box and I can’t stuff everything back in and start over. There are times when I want to let it all out, expose the ugly darkness of my core; but then, I feel like there are somethings I should just keep quiet and die with the knowledge of myself. I realize that opening any part of myself opens me up for judgment from others and I know I have not always behaved in decent, moral, noble or honorable ways. I wanted, some way, to make a change and get rid of all the garbage that existed inside of me, but felt trapped by the fact and idea that there would, in fact, be people who would reject me, judge me, be appalled by me, etc. And maybe, THAT is where the conflict exists in my mind.
But, I have always wanted respect. And I remember hearing one time that one should be ashamed of their vices that contempt those of others (That’s not my thought, but I’m not going to cite it…just know it’s not mine) and I remember asking what it meant. And for this reasons, I felt I had to keep a lot of myself private. I would deny or disengage from things I felt that were wrong, because it felt like I was imposing myself upon others in some negative way. In other words, I didn’t want what I thought was my bullshit to become someone else’s bullshit.
Why is this important? Well, because I sat down, originally, to write about a stupid silly argument I had this weekend. It was with my wife and I began thinking that it’s time to put my relationship with her into perspective and put it into the series I titled Sexual and Relationship Development. And as I began thinking about it, I am well aware that I am no small part in the problems in our marriage – in fact, I have done some horrible things that I am not proud about. And, I have berated myself, admonished my own actions – as well as face the repercussions of my actions as they have impacted my wife. Has she been innocent in our relationship? Certainly not, but it is inevitable that anything I say about our relationship will inevitably be my opinion and not hers. And, truthfully, I don’t know that I am ready for the opinions of others – because I’m well aware of the many, many, many things I could have or should have done differently.
It reminded me of a time, on a previous blog when I had discussed our marriage. Another WordPress user had made it a mission to lambaste me on every single post I had after that. Eventually, I had to block that person. But it made me ponder my posts too much. Do I share too much? Does my sexuality bother people? Does my marriage bother people? Do my political opinions bother people? Am I a conflict of epic proportions when it comes to how I display myself to the world? These are some of the many thoughts I have when I am putting things out there.
And the biggest question I always have for myself is this: Does anything I post online have the ability to create a major negative consequence in my life?