Apparently, yesterday was BiPrideDay and BiVisibilityDay.
Honestly, I’m not sure how to celebrate it or even if I should celebrate it. I have this whole pride thing that bothers me, as some of you are aware. Although, I have begun to accept myself more and more, I also find the idea of being proud and boastful to be an annoyance – mostly kind of an in-your-face sort of thing. And it’s no secret that I feel that way. I find flamboyance of any kind to be gross and icky – even if it is kinda funny and entertaining too.
I was having a conflict with myself yesterday about whether or not I need to say something about being visible about my sexuality. And I think I understand why some people feel the need to do it or participate in it, but some of the things I saw floating around social media just seemed way over the top and I find that some messages get lost because they are so incredibly loud, so to speak. I think that the idea of being visible is one of self-validation – which is something I could relate to.
Sometimes, I feel the need for that. Sometimes I find that my experiences in sex and sexuality has made me feel incredibly self-conscious and incredibly self-critical. I have found awesome support in social media and online forums. And I think I am finally coming to a point where I can feel okay being bisexual. This is a good thing, I’m sure. But there is something else that I feel the need to mention.
What if it were not that important?
Sometimes I think – and some of you have pointed out – that I worry about it for nothing. Appealing to the idea that people who don’t like me the way I am, I can ignore, but there is also this need of mine that I want to be respected as a unique human being. Of course, many have encouraged me to respect myself, accept myself and love myself for being bisexual. Granted, it hasn’t always been easy, but I have come to accept it about myself more now than I did years ago. But maybe the fact that I’ve struggled with it is because I’ve made it more important than it has to be. I’ve mentioned before, that I’d love to be at a point where it is just a thing about me and not something entrenched in my thinking on a routine basis. And, honestly, I can’t help but wonder if people really care about this issue or if it is annoying constantly hearing about it.
On the other hand, having struggled with it for so long, I don’t doubt my own insecurities on the matter. Mentioning it and/or discussing it with someone allows me some freedom in accepting myself. But, from that standpoint, it becomes something personal – it’s not the in your face approach to force people to like or accept me. And, honestly, that’s what sexuality should be, right? It should be personal, something for me to share as I see fit. Something I feel comfortable sharing, if I want to.
Just my thoughts…