I woke up in a bit of a weird mood today. On the one hand, I completely feel like my life sucks. On the other hand, I completely feel willing and capable of making needed changes. Truly, it’s a bit of a conflict I have had for quite some time. I’m not wanting Hilda to take over at all, I’d much rather have Stephanie be my internal voice. And as I think about this constant internal conflict, I’m also considering that the entire secret to understanding anything is to be in full surrender in acceptance of oneself, one’s position in life and one’s challenges. It’s the idea of living without ego that has muddled my mind and made me think something different. It’s accepting that there are something I just can’t control – even if I could have controlled them at one time in my life.
This concept of controlling outcomes has been on my mind the past few days. The idea that because I went to college, received an engineering degree and pursued a career I thought would take care of me and my family are certainly worthy endeavors. But, did I EVER, really, control the outcome? No, of course not. All I did was position myself the best I knew how and it was up to other people to employ me, or see my value within the workforce, society or anything else.
I can admit it, I don’t like my current situation, but I can choose to act in ways that build my happiness in spite of it all. Right now, I have a goal of working two jobs to get my debts in a more manageable condition and then find a job with better pay and benefits. I have a goal of finishing my master’s degree and I can’t tell if that will happen right now. Although I’m supposed to start the program in a couple of weeks, I truly can’t tell or manage my life well enough in advance to know what will happen in the next couple of weeks. I may not engage in that challenge right now – or ever – who really knows? I haven’t been able to commit to a regular exercise program either, because of all the challenges I have right now. But, I don’t need to beat myself up or berate myself either. I can just accept that I’m doing my best and my spirit is in a much better place than it was a year ago, two years ago – even 10 years ago.
I’m feeling a bit of a different perspective to my life lately. I feel completely out of control over the things external to my being, and yet completely in control of myself. I even mentioned that I am beginning to feel beautiful again. And I think it’s because I’m beginning to give myself the big middle finger! Well, at least to that part of me that Hilda tends to influence. I’m starting to embrace Stephanie a little more and I want this. I want this part of me to come out more and more. I am feeling good about the direction I’m going and I am walking away from the shithole part of my mind that wants to bring me down.
I don’t deny that I will struggle. I don’t deny that the tendency to be ugly to myself may still happen. But I am on a mission and I’m going to accomplish it. I am going to embrace a fierceness about myself that I haven’t felt in a long time and I think this bitch will be unstoppable when I do it. I am working. I am being good to myself. I am offering what I can to those I love and care about. I am doing things with a pretty little smile on my face. I am loving that I can feel good – even with setbacks.
And I’ll flip myself off, if I have to!