Ever feel like your thoughts are all over the place and every synapse in your brain is being fired upon?
Well, that’s how my thoughts are today. I am having bizarre and random thoughts. On the one hand, they are a bit terrifying because they go from one extreme to the other and from one topic to another. My mind feels like it’s racing today and I can’t seem to focus on anything. On the other hand, I know this is a direct result of me trying to quit drinking again. I know that taking alcohol off my brain will open it up to my thoughts, which, ironically, is why I drink anyways.
- This is just a small sampling of the things that popped into my head today:
- I hate myself
- I feel good today.
- Fuck, I hate my jobs.
- I should get a divorce.
- I miss hiking.
- Gawd, this coffee is good.
- What can I do to make a difference to someone today?
- Fuck, I want to blow someone.
- Ugh…how many hours do I have to work tonight?
- Maybe I’ll go for a walk tonight.
- What would it take to become an economist?
- I really should get this shit done today.
- Wow, that is a gorgeous dress on her.
- I can’t stand my thoughts today.
- Maybe this is all fake, maybe I’m fake. What if I’ve been faking everything for so long?
- I want a beer, so bad tonight.
- It’s time to go go back to a meeting.
- I fucking hate meetings – especially these stupid staff meetings that say the same fucking thing every day.
- I need a pedicure. My feet look gross.
- I wonder if I could do the splits anymore?
- Oh, look at that picture! That’s sooo coool
- I need to find something different.
- I probably suck at this anyways.
- I remember when I could do that
- I wonder if there are pictures of muscular women on Twitter.
- I never really liked porn anyways. So boring.
- Maybe I should go back to church?
- Fuck, sitting her is boring.
- I’m tired of arguing.
- She can never accept any responsibility for anything. Sigh
- I think I should find a new job.
- Eh…fuck…I guess that won’t get paid this month.
- Where am I going to live if she wants a divorce this time? I’m sick of it.
- Fuck, I want a beer.
This, truly, is just a small sample of the weird shit going on in my head. And as I was having a multitude of these thoughts, I had one stick out that I’m saying now: Depression means you can’t understand what should make you feel gratitude. I really don’t know if I’m an alcoholic, in any traditional sense, but I truly want to be healthy and I know, deep down, that I can hide how I think and how I feel with a couple of beers each night – until I drink two pitchers worth on a Saturday night and wake up on Sunday morning without it seeming to phase me.
And, today, I feel like a lost cause…
I don’t even feel like anything matters much. How hard I try to make changes in my life and nothing ever feels like it changes. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I don’t know how to get ahead. I don’t know how to find any fulfillment in my life and I don’t feel like I provide any happiness to anyone around me.