Sizzle of Synapses

Ever feel like your thoughts are all over the place and every synapse in your brain is being fired upon?

Well, that’s how my thoughts are today. I am having bizarre and random thoughts. On the one hand, they are a bit terrifying because they go from one extreme to the other and from one topic to another. My mind feels like it’s racing today and I can’t seem to focus on anything. On the other hand, I know this is a direct result of me trying to quit drinking again. I know that taking alcohol off my brain will open it up to my thoughts, which, ironically, is why I drink anyways.

  • This is just a small sampling of the things that popped into my head today:
  • I hate myself
  • I feel good today.
  • Fuck, I hate my jobs.
  • I should get a divorce.
  • I miss hiking.
  • Gawd, this coffee is good.
  • What can I do to make a difference to someone today?
  • Fuck, I want to blow someone.
  • Ugh…how many hours do I have to work tonight?
  • Maybe I’ll go for a walk tonight.
  • What would it take to become an economist?
  • I really should get this shit done today.
  • Wow, that is a gorgeous dress on her.
  • I can’t stand my thoughts today.
  • Maybe this is all fake, maybe I’m fake. What if I’ve been faking everything for so long?
  • I want a beer, so bad tonight.
  • It’s time to go go back to a meeting.
  • I fucking hate meetings – especially these stupid staff meetings that say the same fucking thing every day.
  • I need a pedicure. My feet look gross.
  • I wonder if I could do the splits anymore?
  • Oh, look at that picture! That’s sooo coool
  • Fuck!
  • I need to find something different.
  • I probably suck at this anyways.
  • I remember when I could do that
  • I wonder if there are pictures of muscular women on Twitter.
  • I never really liked porn anyways. So boring.
  • Maybe I should go back to church?
  • Fuck, sitting her is boring.
  • I’m tired of arguing.
  • She can never accept any responsibility for anything. Sigh
  • I think I should find a new job.
  • Eh…fuck…I guess that won’t get paid this month.
  • Where am I going to live if she wants a divorce this time? I’m sick of it.
  • Fuck, I want a beer.

This, truly, is just a small sample of the weird shit going on in my head. And as I was having a multitude of these thoughts, I had one stick out that I’m saying now: Depression means you can’t understand what should make you feel gratitude. I really don’t know if I’m an alcoholic, in any traditional sense, but I truly want to be healthy and I know, deep down, that I can hide how I think and how I feel with a couple of beers each night – until I drink two pitchers worth on a Saturday night and wake up on Sunday morning without it seeming to phase me.

And, today, I feel like a lost cause…

I don’t even feel like anything matters much. How hard I try to make changes in my life and nothing ever feels like it changes. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I don’t know how to get ahead. I don’t know how to find any fulfillment in my life and I don’t feel like I provide any happiness to anyone around me.




2 thoughts on “Sizzle of Synapses

  1. Hmm, sounds like what goes on inside my head most of days with differences, of course. I notice it, usually don’t pay much attention to it since it tends to make me laugh at times to “see” the random thoughts that run around.

    And the coffee seriously tastes good…

    Liked by 1 person

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