Early this morning, I had an interaction/discussion/disagreement with another Twitter user about the details of a report that was published a couple of months ago. The report was based on research about the genetics of sexuality. Truthfully, it’s a boring as read, unless you’re a geneticist – but the authors put together a website in terms the common person can understand. The essential and relevant conclusion of this research is that there is no “gay gene”. (Of course, you could also read the article that this Twitter user and I discussed here, in which it details some of the results of the study).
I’ve read, re-read and cussed and discussed. And I absolutely hate admitting when I’m wrong, but I just might be. I might have not been born bisexual. It seems this study is pretty specific about it’s findings that there is no specific gene that is common to a specific sexuality. It does show, however, that there are genetic markers that are common among people who have had same sex interactions, but those markers are also shared with other traits that have nothing to do with sexuality or sexual behavior. The report goes on to express that sexual behavior has much more to do with environmental or social interactions. In other words, the report, conclusively expresses that sexuality has more to do with the concept of nurture rather than nature.
And I have to admit, it has me triggered (God, I actually despise that fucking word). I’m slightly disturbed by this reality. It basically means that everything I have overcome within my own mind is a matter of self-delusion. I remember all of the times growing up when I tried to understand my sexuality all on my own – i.e. like telling myself the only reason I had same-sex attractions was from being molested or from being raised by women while I was young. It’s now making me question of some of the same-sex interactions I had were a distorted view of sex and sexuality and it makes me wonder if I am natural or a freak of nature.
My emotions are now going through this series of checks, rechecks, questions, introspection and need to understand more about myself. I have this idea that everything I have come to believe about my bisexuality is a farce. I’m going through this mental breakdown of thinking that I should have never had some to such an “acceptance” of my behaviors being okay. And now, I feel this urge to reject it again. I feel this need to go back into hiding and never come out like I have flirted with doing for the past couple of years. And worst of all, maybe I am weak for giving into any sort of hedonistic thinking.
Granted, this study implies that more research is needed that goes beyond what the researchers worked on, but it was reinforcement and fuel for the discussion I had on Twitter. Maybe, I’m not a natural born bisexual. Maybe, everything I had to wash away about my thinking on the matter needs to be reassessed. Maybe I can just not worry about it anymore, because it’s been scientifically proven that sexuality is not hereditary. Apparently, there is a choice in sexuality.
I just don’t know what day I chose it.
And now, I feel like I have ignored any obligation I once had to the practice of faith.
Do I need to get right with God?