BMJ: Day 36 – Don’t Make Unrealistic Comparisons

Although I’ve more than insinuated what goes on inside my head, I’m going to be a little more forward about some of the thoughts that go on inside my head. And today’s prompt for writing in my Beautiful Me Journal is pretty relevant to what I’m speaking about. The reality is that there have been various times in my life where I had wished I were female (This may or may not come as a surprise to some of you, but it is a point of fact about the things I have felt about myself over the years). With that being said, today’s topic in the daily guide to renewal I have been reading highlights the ways women make expectations to be like others they find beautiful.

In the guide, the author mentions a young woman that spent lots of money on beauty magazines. The woman she mentioned probably had body dysphoric issues based on the description. The point the author is making is that women spend a lot of time, money and effort in trying to be something or someone other themselves. I think, in some way I have been lucky in the fact that I have never done anything extreme – like permanently changing my body to try and suit how I feel (Although, I STRONGLY miss the highly fit lifestyle I used to have). But for me, I’m not sure what it is that made me feel at different times that I wish I were female.

I have mentioned the times I have dressed in women’s clothing. I won’t lie either, but a few of those times I really felt good about myself. I felt comforted, if you wanna say that. I may or may not have mentioned the times I played with what is traditionally assumed to be girls’ toys too. Apparently I really enjoyed playing with my cousin’s Barbie dolls. I was also the kind of kid that was truly aligned to be in touch with my emotional side – another assumed feminine trait (although, totally not assumed to be the case now). And, having spent the first few formative years of my life with my mom, aunts, grandmother and cousin (who is female), I truly believe I was destined to have some feminine traits and characteristics. Certainly, there were times in my life where I Felt right about this and then there were times I felt absolutely wrong about it. And it reintroduces the conversation of nature versus nurture that I posted about earlier.

Mentioning the crossdressing, however, has caused me to remember the times I have done that. In my last blog, for example, I had posted a picture of me wearing a long skirt, blouse, and heels (of course, what people didn’t know is that I was also wearing some black lace panties too). I received nothing but comments of praise. It truly made me feel good. I also remember a couple of times my ex-girlfriend had dressed me in her clothes. Of course then, it was playful and I felt kinda nervous about anyone actually seeing me like that. She playfully called me pretty and gorgeous and things very similar to that. It was an enhancing feeling to the times I had wished I were female.  And, of course, as a kid, when my cousin and I would play dress-up and I would put on her dresses and girls’ shoes, it had a feeling of making some sense to me – almost like that was how it was supposed to be. There were a couple of other times I dressed in women’s clothing too, just to feel feminine, but there exists no evidence that I did that.

Now, I’m going to say something that is not popular in the mainstream nowadays: I’m a guy.  And, being able to dress in a girly way or feminine way when I was younger, began to become painfully obvious that I couldn’t as puberty hit and I began getting older. Of course, when my mom married a man (who I call dad, although he’s not biologically my dad), I began getting a lot more masculine influence too. One would think that at 6 years old, I would have had a lifetime to adapt to that kind of influence. Truthfully, I have very little negative connotation to being manly or masculine; but the times I felt like expressing myself in a feminine way, I did it privately or in secret, of course. I guess, in some way I knew I was not hurting anyone, but I also knew that I was a male and I was becoming a man. I have nothing but masculine attributes – broad shoulders, hair everywhere, squarely defined jaw, a deep and resonating voice, an Adam’s apple and male-pattern baldness. And, I also began embracing some masculine behaviors (positive ones, mind you. My mom and dad actually raised me to be a gentleman) that are traditionally attributed to men. I don’t need to go into a lot of detail here, but rest assured it would be a HUGE jump for me to come across in anyway to others as female. So, I simply do not crossdress anymore (although, I have put on panties from time to time, it has essentially stopped at this point in my life).

I guess, the main reason I am pointing this out on this BMJ entry, is because I can see at different times in my life, that I tried to be something I was not. I felt I should have been something different than who I am. And in this respect, it is easy to see how horribly I felt about myself. I had a tough time with my self-esteem growing up, there is no doubt about that. And truthfully, discussing this right now I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by myself and want to run and hide for the entirety of my life, or if I am deceptive to myself and not really being who I am as a man, or if I simply do not know what life should be about. Granted, I know most of what I said here gives a certain impression, but the reality is that I have experienced this a lot less than you might imagine.

I know I’m male. You can probably imagine that I have wondered if any of this is related to my sexualityI have no confusion about my gender, however, I believe science dictates our biology and I also know that it’s society that dictates/approves behaviors and expressions. And I can relate it to the woman mentioned above that gave herself an idea of what beauty should be, because I also felt ugly when I tried to dress as a woman. But for me, the difference is the fact that I am not a woman. And by doing something like that, I began to feel like it was futile and stupid. 

Do I feel good about myself?

That’s a tough question, but I do know I’m not ignoring how I feel and I know I’m not avoiding the problems in my life either. I am addressing them and I am working on reminding myself that I have value, I deserve to love myself and I feel like I will be where I need to be when it comes to self-esteem, beauty perception, body image and everything that goes into feeling self-validated, confident and positive.

8 thoughts on “BMJ: Day 36 – Don’t Make Unrealistic Comparisons

  1. We all do “things” to make us feel good about ourselves from little things to bigger ones. Some guys take to bisexuality, in particular, because it lets their inner girl out but they’re often confused because they’ve been raised to be male and religious/social restrictions aren’t being considered here. Hell, there was a time when I wanted boobs and even dressed up like a girl once and, honestly, I didn’t look bad as a girl… but knew I really wasn’t one and given how much I’d interact with guys sexually, wow – being a girl sucked and not in a good way.

    At some point, you get to understand that you can only be who you are even though we all try “different me” things in order to find out who we are and what fits us. Some things just work for a time then a kind of reality sets in or, in a sense, it just stops being fun and, importantly, just isn’t who we are and more so when it’s impractical to be something else. I interact with a lot of men online who are crossdressers because their inner girl is just having a field day but they’re also men who aren’t of a mind to give up being a man and male because it’s a job we take on that our maleness says we have to do even if we don’t like doing it. So while they’re not of a mind to take the steps necessary to become a woman, they can find “occasionally” dressing the part and adopting the female role in sex (and in particular) quite comforting and right for them even though, sure, they know they aren’t really female.

    I’ve seen pics of some of these guys and, um, okay – not the prettiest women… but they know this and many of them say that despite being an unhandsome woman, it makes them feel good about themselves and, at the end of any day, this is the thing that is important because it keeps them “sane” and even grounded in their version of reality. That and it satisfies their sexual needs to “be the girl” and taking a break from being male in the majority of times and situations. Some dress to the nines in full female regalia… and some are content to put on some sexy underwear and revel in the knowledge that they’re out there being male… but it’s what others don’t and can’t see that is rather exciting because they are, in fact, being who they are… but everyone doesn’t need to know that.

    Everyone and anyone can have self-esteem issues and one of our ongoing tasks is to resolve them if and when we can. If we’re overweight, well, damn – what can we do to get back into shape? Lacking confidence? What can we do about that? And it’s not that we can’t think of things and ways to “fix” these things we believe is wrong with us – we have to do them and that’s not always as easy as it sounds and more so when we find ourselves unmotivated to effect the changes we can do. More often than not, when we find that we lack the motivation to do these things we need to do, we look for that motivation elsewhere – friends, family, whoever appears to be doing the the things we see that we need to be doing. And that’s fine… ya still got to get motivated to actually do them and be serious enough to not let anything get between you and those things you need to do.

    And if you can’t do that, you’re fucked, plain and simple. Again, I’d not say that a man couldn’t pick up some tips by reading something written by a woman for women because we do all have the same issues but women deal with these things very, very differently than men do and for different reasons and as men, we see women making themselves (and us) insane by riffing about issues they have and, seemingly, there’s no reason for them to be riffing, like a wife who gets on that “I’m a fat cow!” trip when, in fact, she’s not fat, not unhealthy, and is, indeed, a fine-looking woman. It’s just what they do but the key thing is if this is what you think and how you feel, what are you gonna do about it?

    We get all caught up with appearances and anyone who doesn’t meet the “standards” for beauty, body image, etc., usually find themselves in a major struggle to meet or exceed those standards and, often, in some pretty drastic and unhealthy ways while losing sight of one very important thing: You can only be who you are and you should never, ever try to be something you aren’t or can’t be. You can only do what you’re able and capable of doing. You gotta ask yourself that if you don’t love yourself, why don’t you? You identify whatever’s making you think and feel this way then figure out what, if anything, you can do about it… then you get off your ass and do it and by any means necessary if that’s what is called for. And if you find yourself spending more time with this than you are doing the stuff you really need to be doing, well, something is very wrong.

    Once a person gets down on themselves, lifting them back up is damned near impossible because no matter what you say to them, they’re in a “Yeah, but…” state of mind where they know what you’re telling them is both right and real… but their perception of themselves ain’t buying any of it.

    As I did with another blogger, I’ll leave you with this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is something all of us should keep in mind and actually strive to accomplish but, eh, we just don’t all work like this; we’d rather beat ourselves up over the things we cannot change instead of accepting that there’s something we can’t do jack shit about and no matter how much we think we need to do it. It’s not about “settling” to be less than you want to be – and too many people look at it like this; it’s knowing, without any doubts, what you can do, what you can’t do and even what you shouldn’t do – and gaining the cherished wisdom to know the differences.

    Be who and what you need to be… and not some often misguided shit that others think you should be. You can only be who and what you are and your main goal in life is to be the best you that you can be, nothing more, nothing less. You wanna really embrace your inner girl? Embrace her – be her – if that’s what is going to make you a better version of yourself but if you can’t do it for any reason, then don’t. Accept that you can’t and understand why you can’t and focus on the things you can do, you know, provided you can motivate your ass to get in motion and do them.

    Otherwise, nothing you’re gonna read, nothing anyone can tell you, is ever going to make a difference. You have to know and believe this and if you don’t, well, I don’t know what to tell you. And here’s the worst thing: If you don’t do what you gotta do, no one is going to give a fuck about you; you will be held in judgement not for that which you’ve done – it will be what you didn’t do when you could have done something… and you didn’t and now the question you will not be able to answer is, “Why didn’t you?”

    Good luck answering it. Oh, and while you’re at it, please stop being your own worst enemy. You also have to ask yourself that if you don’t feel good about yourself, why don’t you… and what are you gonna do about that and if you’re not working at doing something about it, why aren’t you?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. steph do you know of eddie izzard, i don’t think he’s bi sexual though but my point is sometimes he just has heels and make up and fingernails he has a bra that has
    boobs in it plus he’s so funny.

    Liked by 1 person

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