There is an idea you pick up on quickly when you attend AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings and it’s the idea of surrender. And the point of it is that in order to begin recovery, you must surrender to accepting you are an alcoholic. It also, quickly, becomes apparent the idea that you must surrender to the program, a sponsor and ultimately a Higher Power. This dependence upon a Higher Power is the ultimate medicine involved in the program to achieve spiritual healing.
It’s also obvious to those I speak with online about my spiritual maladies that I have not surrendered to anything. I have what is referred to as a self-will run riot. I want to solve my problems. I want my mind to be the one that comes up with the ideas, the creativity, the ability to fix the problems going on in my life. Of course, if we look at the empirical evidence of that hypothesis, then I completely suck.
I don’t drink much. I don’t drink a lot. But I find myself drinking a beer every single night and have done that almost consistently since I drank a beer back in April after making it almost 100 days sober. Granted, there have even been a few days in the past 6 months that I drank more than a single beer, but it’s nothing like it was about 4 years ago.
It just hit me…
I’m making excuses even explaining myself.
I’m a fucking alcoholic.
I know I am. I’ve not given a shit in 6 months. That’s the truth. And I simply don’t think anyone around me can validate my feelings on this matter. No one wants to believe I’m an alcoholic, because I’m not an abusive person, I’ve never been arrested for anything to do with alcohol, I’ve not lost a job, nor lost a relationship, or any of the socially negative impacts created by alcohol.
But I always feel the need for a drink and I know that I have been drinking each night because I can’t make my life go the way I want it to go or make it go the way I feel it needs to go. And I am beginning to lose hope that anything will change. I feel like my life hasn’t completely hit bottom and I am absolutely terrified of that fact.
What if I do? What if I surrender and my worst fears happen?
Isn’t there something I can do to change the direction my life is taking? If I surrender to everything happening, I feel like I would not be addressing my problems – something I have done on many occasions, but no longer want to do. How do I change all of this?
I’m tired of the “keep trying attitude” and want….no, I almost need for something to change. I want something positive to happen to me for a change.
At 10:00 tonight, it will be 48 hours since I last had a beer. And, I’m truly worried I won’t make it…
If I give up trying, is that not surrender?