Surrender

There is an idea you pick up on quickly when you attend AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings and it’s the idea of surrender. And the point of it is that in order to begin recovery, you must surrender to accepting you are an alcoholic. It also, quickly, becomes apparent the idea that you must surrender to the program, a sponsor and ultimately a Higher Power. This dependence upon a Higher Power is the ultimate medicine involved in the program to achieve spiritual healing.

It’s also obvious to those I speak with online about my spiritual maladies that I have not surrendered to anything. I have what is referred to as a self-will run riot. I want to solve my problems. I want my mind to be the one that comes up with the ideas, the creativity, the ability to fix the problems going on in my life. Of course, if we look at the empirical evidence of that hypothesis, then I completely suck.

I don’t drink much. I don’t drink a lot. But I find myself drinking a beer every single night and have done that almost consistently since I drank a beer back in April after making it almost 100 days sober. Granted, there have even been a few days in the past 6 months that I drank more than a single beer, but it’s nothing like it was about 4 years ago.

Wait…

It just hit me…

I’m making excuses even explaining myself.

I’m a fucking alcoholic.

I know I am. I’ve not given a shit in 6 months. That’s the truth. And I simply don’t think anyone around me can validate my feelings on this matter. No one wants to believe I’m an alcoholic, because I’m not an abusive person, I’ve never been arrested for anything to do with alcohol, I’ve not lost a job, nor lost a relationship, or any of the socially negative impacts created by alcohol.

But I always feel the need for a drink and I know that I have been drinking each night because I can’t make my life go the way I want it to go or make it go the way I feel it needs to go. And I am beginning to lose hope that anything will change. I feel like my life hasn’t completely hit bottom and I am absolutely terrified of that fact.

Surrender?

What if I do? What if I surrender and my worst fears happen?

What then?

Isn’t there something I can do to change the direction my life is taking? If I surrender to everything happening, I feel like I would not be addressing my problems – something I have done on many occasions, but no longer want to do. How do I change all of this?

I’m tired of the “keep trying attitude” and want….no, I almost need for something to change. I want something positive to happen to me for a change.

At 10:00 tonight, it will be 48 hours since I last had a beer. And, I’m truly worried I won’t make it…

…again…

If I give up trying, is that not surrender?

15 thoughts on “Surrender

  1. Did you read Sober Boots blog today? It was really good.
    It was on Step one, and not a traditional AA outlook, but how he interprets the wording.
    I just know alcohol had taken over my brain, so I had to admit alcohol had power over me, and alcohol took away my power!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  2. First let me say, I’m not an alcoholic and barely a drinker. I often go a month or longer without a drink because it’s not something I even think about unless I’m out with friends and there’s a yummy cocktail. Even then, I don’t always order something. So if my weighing in here is wrong, I apologize.
    Is drinking one beer a day something that is manageable? Is that enough to satisfy your desire without causing other problems? I’m just curious because I know with dieting, making certain foods forbidden only creates pent up demand. I try for moderation. Best of luck as you navigate this.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “No one wants to believe I’m an alcoholic, because I’m not an abusive person, I’ve never been arrested for anything to do with alcohol, I’ve not lost a job, nor lost a relationship, or any of the socially negative impacts created by alcohol.”
    Those words brought me back to when I was new in recovery. I too was never arrested, lost a job or lost a relationship. I was a functioning alcoholic and no one in my family could be convinced I had a drinking problem. My life was filled with enablers. Perhaps it’s because the old social stigma that a true alcoholic could not function in everyday life is still alive and well. Or maybe, those individuals were ignorant of the symptoms of the disease, and just plain didn’t want to look at the behaviors that come along with it. Dependency on any mind-altering substance is a problem. If you were truly not dependent on alcohol, then you’ll have no issues in putting it down and your body and mind not craving it. Only YOU can make a choice to change your life, whatever that looks like. It’s an inside job that requires dedication to YOUR well-being. By surrendering you’re not giving away your power. You’re giving up all the crap that’s been weighing you down for years and opening yourself up for the good stuff. It actually is taking your power back and finding your true voice. I’m always sending positive vibes in hopes you find your way to a more peaceful life and live life on life’s terms, not yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Knowing that you often like my posts and rarely comment, I fully understand the seriousness of your comment and how much you hope I hear it. You’ve always been a true friend to me and I take this to heart.
      Thank you.

      Like

  4. If one cannot achieve abstinence, moderation is the next best thing. Jeez… I had written a really nice response to this… but WordPress saw fit to make it disappear into the ether – I think you would have liked it. I had said that there’s “surrendering” to the truth of things… and then there’s surrendering in the form of just giving up because things appear to be hopeless and all that. I watched my alcoholic father pretty much destroy his life behind his drinking and nothing AA could tell him effected any real long-term changes.

    He’d get on the wagon, stay onboard for a period of time, then fall right back off and harder than he did the last time he fell off the wagon. And he knew it and, at least in my view, just gave up trying to get that monkey off his back and even if it was for the sake of getting rid of it once and for all. I know functional alcoholics who can’t even get out bed without drinking to start their day and how they manage to go about their day in such a state just baffles me except, obviously, they’ve found a way to make it work for them instead of against them.

    But even they know that the answers to whatever put them on this path of dependency cannot ever be found at the bottom of a bottle (or can). As with a lot of habits, some are damned hard to get rid of and, more often than not, requires a strength of will that doesn’t seem doable or possible. AA can tell you a lot of things and you can learn much from those who are also getting this particular monkey off their backs… but it remains true that you still have to have the strength and desire to do these things for yourself and, again, perhaps the watchword isn’t so much abstinence but moderation and developing the inner strength to, say, have one beer – and because beer tastes good – and that’s the only reason why you’d have one – and no more than one… and it’ll be quite some time before you have another.

    Because you really do understand that overdoing it serves no real purpose other than getting you to dig that hole even deeper. Accept the truth of it but never give up.

    Liked by 1 person

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