Thinking about S.A.R.D.

Some days I have these moments where I feel completely okay with my sexuality.

Scratch that.

Some days, I feel like my sexuality is not as important as I try and make it. There are days where I am not focused on it as something that NEEDS attention. It’s almost like I have accepted it as a mere fact of who I am, no more than the fact that I love peanut butter on chocolate ice cream. In a way, I feel like this is what it should be. I feel like my romantic/sexual interludes in life are no more interesting than someone else’s – i.e like a straight person. I mean, the “normal” people don’t go around discussing their sex life or their relationship history like it’s the most critical aspect of who they are or what defines them as a person. It just is what it is and people just accept that people have a history with respect to sex and relationships.

When I begin to think this way, I begin feeling like I am okay with my life, feeling okay with my sexuality and feeling like there is no need to even mention it or act on it. Of course, when I begin thinking this way, I begin pondering why I bothered starting the posts I created to explore my Sexual and Relationship Development. So, when I’m feeling okay with myself it makes me feel like this series of posts are now meaningless and there isn’t a need to continue writing them.  Granted, I’m not proud of everything I intended to post, but I also feel like I don’t want to relive some of the things that I went through. I’ve made mistakes and having to look at some of those mistakes over and over doesn’t do my ego any good. Of course, there seems to be a general lack of interest when I write in this series. I would be lying, if I said that the feedback I have received wasn’t helpful. Of course hearing what other people said, what their perspectives might be has helped me a lot. But, ultimately, I feel like this series has run its course, regardless of the fact that it is not complete.

Of course, maybe I’m just uninspired to write in it too.

I’m just not sure.

What I do know is that I am feeling comfortable with myself lately, and maybe it’s the self-induced pain I felt about my sexuality that had me writing in the first place. There is something about pain, emotions, and depression that inspired me to write different things. Sometimes, I found that writing in this section of my blog helped me tremendously and maybe that’s the real point of it. But, I feel like this stage of my life, I just don’t care about it anymore. What’s the real point? Maybe I’ll delete that section, because I just don’t know what to put in it anymore.

 

7 thoughts on “Thinking about S.A.R.D.

  1. I think your S.A.R.D. stuff is the best stuff you’ve written about. A lot of people use their blog as a sounding board of sorts and find that it helps them to talk about – in this case – their sexuality because the most difficult thing about being bisexual is not having someone to talk to about it (and not get your head lopped off) and, yeah, when you write down what you’re thinking about it, it can go a long way toward acceptance, which is the second most difficult thing to do.

    When you can get feedback on your thoughts or have your questions/concerns addressed, this, too, is helpful. What’s the real point? Working toward being as close to 100% comfortable about yourself where sex and sexuality is concerned. You can’t change what has already happened but it’s still important for everyone, regardless to sexuality and/or how they’ve had sex, to come to grips over what they’ve done, what they haven’t done, and other things that do occupy one’s thoughts from time to time.

    It’s just me but as someone who has followed your development – and have seen you wipe out whole blogs – discontinuing your S.A.R.D. segments would be a mistake and one you really don’t want to make. What do you put in it going forward? Any damned thing that comes to mind and whether it’s “good” or “bad” because, again, the thing that troubles many bisexuals is not being able to express themselves in any way; keeping things bottled up is bad for one’s mental health; not caring about it says you don’t really care about yourself and those things that makes you the person you are today. And while you can delete it – it is your blog, after all – that doesn’t make it go away and it’s not like you’re never, ever gonna find reason to think about this aspect of your life and have a need to get it off your mind.

    And this segment of your blog is the perfect place to do that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds like you have come to terms with your sexuality and realised you are not defined by it .
    Explore holistically who you are … sexually is part of who you are but not all of who you are…
    Reading your blog, your a writer… so what else makes up you ?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think I’ve just given you a new journey to start blogging about…. “finding me”

        I had a dear friend who was gay, it defined her life literally. When we met I asked why she is totally defined by her sexuality? I asked who she was? She didn’t know who she was behind the “lesbian “ tag.
        She was the most amazing person, she inspired people, she was funny, she was infectious with her smile and love of life. She was an amazing academic and a wonderful writer, a creative cook, she loved with passion …. she couldn’t see any of this because she felt she had to be her sexuality.
        We changed her thinking together and she became Naomi the person… who is so much more than a sexual orientation.
        So who are you?

        Liked by 1 person

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