Some days I have these moments where I feel completely okay with my sexuality.
Some days, I feel like my sexuality is not as important as I try and make it. There are days where I am not focused on it as something that NEEDS attention. It’s almost like I have accepted it as a mere fact of who I am, no more than the fact that I love peanut butter on chocolate ice cream. In a way, I feel like this is what it should be. I feel like my romantic/sexual interludes in life are no more interesting than someone else’s – i.e like a straight person. I mean, the “normal” people don’t go around discussing their sex life or their relationship history like it’s the most critical aspect of who they are or what defines them as a person. It just is what it is and people just accept that people have a history with respect to sex and relationships.
When I begin to think this way, I begin feeling like I am okay with my life, feeling okay with my sexuality and feeling like there is no need to even mention it or act on it. Of course, when I begin thinking this way, I begin pondering why I bothered starting the posts I created to explore my Sexual and Relationship Development. So, when I’m feeling okay with myself it makes me feel like this series of posts are now meaningless and there isn’t a need to continue writing them. Granted, I’m not proud of everything I intended to post, but I also feel like I don’t want to relive some of the things that I went through. I’ve made mistakes and having to look at some of those mistakes over and over doesn’t do my ego any good. Of course, there seems to be a general lack of interest when I write in this series. I would be lying, if I said that the feedback I have received wasn’t helpful. Of course hearing what other people said, what their perspectives might be has helped me a lot. But, ultimately, I feel like this series has run its course, regardless of the fact that it is not complete.
Of course, maybe I’m just uninspired to write in it too.
I’m just not sure.
What I do know is that I am feeling comfortable with myself lately, and maybe it’s the self-induced pain I felt about my sexuality that had me writing in the first place. There is something about pain, emotions, and depression that inspired me to write different things. Sometimes, I found that writing in this section of my blog helped me tremendously and maybe that’s the real point of it. But, I feel like this stage of my life, I just don’t care about it anymore. What’s the real point? Maybe I’ll delete that section, because I just don’t know what to put in it anymore.