Yesterday was Day 1, again, after I was going to have a day one two days ago and didn’t make it. Truthfully, I know my ego prevents me from admitting a weakness. I hate the “alcoholic” label and I still mess around with the idea that I’m not, because I don’t get drunk. I have mentioned before that I have all of the “yets” – those ills that are consequences of an alcoholic’s behavior. And today, I’m feeling everything I try to hide. It feels like a day like today has Hilda waiting on the edges ready to pounce on me.
But I know, deep down, I hate having needed a crutch to deal with my life. I know deep down, I have grown accustomed to having that superficial need for alcohol on a daily basis. I hate that, more than I hate most other things (side note: maybe I hate too much about myself) that I hate.
I’m a bit scatter-brained today, so I don’t even know if this post is coherent.
I’m also considering quitting my second job because it is a trigger for my drinking. I’m serving tables at my favorite place to drink beer and I have to work tonight and I’m worried I won’t make it through without having a beer.
I’m also questioning every thing about myself again…
But I am on Day 2, and I want to make it.
I hope to God I make it.