There was a time in my life when I valued my self-discipline above most things. I valued working hard and making sacrifices in order to achieve a goal. Putting in long hours working out, or long hours studying always had the satisfaction of reaching a goal. But it seems like I no longer give a fuck.
Case in point: Drinking.
I had a beer last night. My second job is at a taproom and pizza place, so it is easy to get a beer at the end of a shift, but I know the convenience of it all is not the real issue. It’s the inability to be disciplined. The inability to give a shit about myself.
I just can’t seem to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself I just need to put in a day, and then another day and then a day after that, the subtle temptation sneaks up on me and I give in to one. Literally, I drank one pint last night. I don’t know why. I don’t understand that I have no willpower. But it seems to be a systemic issue in my life about anything.
I hate admitting it, but I’ve lost my drive in all aspects of my life. I don’t seem to give a fuck about anything. I get membership at a gym, but I don’t go. I make myself a budget each month, but I don’t stick to it. I commit to testing my blood sugar 4 or 5 times per day and I’m surprised if I do it 4 or 5 times per week. I tell myself I’m going to commit to finishing my master’s degree, but it’s been 2 years and I haven’t gone back. I tell myself I’m going to re-engage in the religion I used to practice, but I do nothing to commit.
I tell myself a lot of promises to make myself better, but my actions demonstrate I truly do not give a fuck. And I don’t know why. I don’t know what holds me back from doing the things I know are best for me. I make all of these plans to make changes and I try adhering to them, but they drift away after some time. I lack any semblance of discipline and I can’t seem to hold myself accountable to anything.
But guess what…?
Although I’m disappointed in myself, I’m gonna stop hitting myself with this “should” stick that I’ve gotten so used to doing. Instead, I’m not gonna give a fuck about something else: I made a mistake. I fucked up. It’s time to move the fuck on and quit being a little bitch about it.
I’ll just fucking begin today, because nothing else fucking matters: Day 1
I’m going to fucking do this! I will fucking beat this.