Discipline? What Discipline?

There was a time in my life when I valued my self-discipline above most things. I valued working hard and making sacrifices in order to achieve a goal. Putting in long hours working out, or long hours studying always had the satisfaction of reaching a goal. But it seems like I no longer give a fuck.

Case in point: Drinking.

I had a beer last night. My second job is at a taproom and pizza place, so it is easy to get a beer at the end of a shift, but I know the convenience of it all is not the real issue. It’s the inability to be disciplined. The inability to give a shit about myself.

I just can’t seem to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself I just need to put in a day, and then another day and then a day after that, the subtle temptation sneaks up on me and I give in to one. Literally, I drank one pint last night. I don’t know why. I don’t understand that I have no willpower. But it seems to be a systemic issue in my life about anything.

I hate admitting it, but I’ve lost my drive in all aspects of my life. I don’t seem to give a fuck about anything. I get membership at a gym, but I don’t go. I make myself a budget each month, but I don’t stick to it. I commit to testing my blood sugar 4 or 5 times per day and I’m surprised if I do it 4 or 5 times per week. I tell myself I’m going to commit to finishing my master’s degree, but it’s been 2 years and I haven’t gone back. I tell myself I’m going to re-engage in the religion I used to practice, but I do nothing to commit.

I tell myself a lot of promises to make myself better, but my actions demonstrate I truly do not give a fuck.  And I don’t know why. I don’t know what holds me back from doing the things I know are best for me.  I make all of these plans to make changes and I try adhering to them, but they drift away after some time. I lack any semblance of discipline and I can’t seem to hold myself accountable to anything.

But guess what…?

Although I’m disappointed in myself, I’m gonna stop hitting myself with this “should” stick that I’ve gotten so used to doing. Instead, I’m not gonna give a fuck about something else: I made a mistake. I fucked up. It’s time to move the fuck on and quit being a little bitch about it.

I’ll just fucking begin today, because nothing else fucking matters: Day 1

I’m going to fucking do this! I will fucking beat this.

5 thoughts on “Discipline? What Discipline?

  1. I’m sorry you are struggling.
    For many years I felt my success was gained by disciple, self control and fear. If I didn’t have strict rules for myself I would never be thin, successful, etc.

    On one hand this ridgidity helped me be successful. I have 3 degrees. A nice house, a professional job. They also meant that I was never satisfied with my achievements and could never bask in my own approval.

    I eventually reached the breaking point. The anxiety about how I looked from the outside became unbearable. I drank to shut off the voices and as a bit of self destruction. It was something to blame for my unworthiness, besides just me.

    When I quit drinking I had a therapist who brought everything back to unconditional self acceptance. Loving myself for being me, not what I looked liked, achieved or acquired.

    6 years later I am still working on this, but I have found periods to true contentment along the way. I believe I am a worthy, valuable and important part of this world. As I am.

    So are you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, you’re on the verge of having a big change in your life. We reach that point in either of two ways; by choice, or by force. The force being that thing within us that wants to grow, to evolve, to mature. If we don’t come to it consciously, it unconsciously arranges our life to the point of not giving a fuck, and then we’re ready to let go of the old and welcome the new! But, you still have one more bridge to cross – you need to not give a fuck about not giving a fuck – and then you will be ready and the gates will swing wide open and show you the path to follow! Good luck my friend! Just be open to being open if that’s what it takes! And I second Ainsobriety expressed value of having a good therapist – something to consider. That might be it!! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m alcoholic between my ears. My experience is that no amount of exercise or diet is going to help me with that. I need to work one my head. Sobriety is fragile. It’s a beautiful gift. Worth the work to get.

    Liked by 1 person

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