“Get to a meeting!”
Is the number one piece of advice I get when I whine about drinking. I remember a year ago when I was struggling then and came to realization that the only thing that seems to keep me from drinking is getting involved in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). And yet, every single time I make the decision to not go, I start drinking again. Literally.
I want to express WHY I don’t go, but I know it’s an ultimate excuse, but I also feel like going me recognizing the things I don’t want to face and I can’t tell if I’m as effed up as I feel or if I am just over-analyzing every little aspect of my life. But I’m going to say it anyways – there are exactly two reasons I don’t go to AA meetings: My schedule and my wife.
As you all know, I work two jobs right now. One of those jobs is a trigger to my drinking, because I have a beer every night I work there, because it was always my favorite place to get a craft beer. But I can see that maybe I need to find a different part time job. But, my schedule, in general, makes it difficult to get to meetings. Working from 7:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. makes any break-away tough to get to during those days. Weekends? Well, I have worked jobs that have always kept me away from my family – law enforcement and oilfield are two careers that require a lot of time away from family. As a result of that, I know my family has felt neglected in a lot of ways and since leaving those careers, I’ve been trying to make a commitment to being around a lot more.
Then, there is my wife. I don’t even know how to begin discussing a lot of the conflict she and I have over my schedule, our marriage and so many other things. But when I was working with a sponsor, she felt that I was sharing a lot of the problems in our marriage – I confirmed I had, because that is part of the resentments I have. But for her, that is a violation of trust between us and she also feels that it could put her in a bad light. She also didn’t like that I was attending one meeting a day (I was trying to do the 90 meetings in 90 days), calling my sponsor daily nor meeting with my sponsor weekly. She felt I was using alcoholism as another excuse to be away from her. On some level, maybe she was right, but I know my goal at the time was to fix me and I didn’t understand why she couldn’t accept that.
I know those sound like excuses, but they are the challenges I face in trying to get to AA meetings and “work the program”.
As a side note – the whole idea of doing a “sex inventory” face to face with a sponsor kinda unnerves me too. I am soo….not open about my sexuality and I don’t know what the whole thing is about if/when I do that.
Unfortunately, I’m back to Day 1…