Get to a meeting, get to a meeting, get to a meeting…

“Get to a meeting!”

Is the number one piece of advice I get when I whine about drinking. I remember a year ago when I was struggling then and came to realization that the only thing that seems to keep me from drinking is getting involved in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). And yet, every single time I make the decision to not go, I start drinking again. Literally.

I want to express WHY I don’t go, but I know it’s an ultimate excuse, but I also feel like going me recognizing the things I don’t want to face and I can’t tell if I’m as effed up as I feel or if I am just over-analyzing every little aspect of my life. But I’m going to say it anyways – there are exactly two reasons I don’t go to AA meetings: My schedule and my wife.

As you all know, I work two jobs right now. One of those jobs is a trigger to my drinking, because I have a beer every night I work there, because it was always my favorite place to get a craft beer. But I can see that maybe I need to find a different part time job. But, my schedule, in general, makes it difficult to get to meetings. Working from 7:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. makes any break-away tough to get to during those days. Weekends? Well, I have worked jobs that have always kept me away from my family – law enforcement and oilfield are two careers that require a lot of time away from family. As a result of that, I know my family has felt neglected in a lot of ways and since leaving those careers, I’ve been trying to make a commitment to being around a lot more.

Then, there is my wife. I don’t even know how to begin discussing a lot of the conflict she and I have over my schedule, our marriage and so many other things. But when I was working with a sponsor, she felt that I was sharing a lot of the problems in our marriage – I confirmed I had, because that is part of the resentments I have. But for her, that is a violation of trust between us and she also feels that it could put her in a bad light. She also didn’t like that I was attending one meeting a day (I was trying to do the 90 meetings in 90 days), calling my sponsor daily nor meeting with my sponsor weekly. She felt I was using alcoholism as another excuse to be away from her. On some level, maybe she was right, but I know my goal at the time was to fix me and I didn’t understand why she couldn’t accept that.

I know those sound like excuses, but they are the challenges I face in trying to get to AA meetings and “work the program”.

As a side note – the whole idea of doing a “sex inventory” face to face with a sponsor kinda unnerves me too. I am soo….not open about my sexuality and I don’t know what the whole thing is about if/when I do that.

Unfortunately, I’m back to Day 1…

9 thoughts on “Get to a meeting, get to a meeting, get to a meeting…

  1. When I first walked into AA I had serious doubts about what AA could do for me. I was worried about everything, being an alcoholic, not being an alcoholic, feeling like a failure, people finding out… It was just fear. Fear of this, that and the other thing. Fear that distracted from the most important thing. Nothing I have to do in the future should distract or prevent me from doing what has to be done today. My alcoholism had reached a point of life and death. If I am sitting in the emergency room and need open heart surgery to save my life, I need to make a life or death decision based on what is happening now not a decision based on whether or not I want to exercise, doctor appointments and diet after the surgery. I need the life-saving surgery now.

    I was sitting there, alone, desperate, shaking, bleeding, puking, unable to eat, full of fear, grief, and I had to make a decision about what I had to do today. I had to set aside everything I feared, believed about AA and getting sober, and give it a chance or die trying.

    One of those crotchety old farts gave me a business card with his phone number on one said and a simple prayer on the other. The prayer helped me a lot.

    _______________
    The Set Aside Prayer
    God,
    Please help me set aside
    everything I think I know
    about myself, my disease,
    the 12 steps, and especially You;
    So I may have an open mind
    and a new experience
    of all these things.
    Please let me see the truth.
    ________________

    This is life or death. The treatment is the steps, taken in order, from 1 to 12 with the help of a sponsor. Meetings are good for us also, but they are not a replacement for the steps. There isn’t a short cut to sobriety. Getting sober was the hardest thing I had to do at that time. It was worth it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. As long as you make excuses for yours and other peoples behavior you won’t change. As a single mom, I worked 7 days a week to make ends meet, had literally no family or friend support system and still made time for meetings and a sponsor. You have to want to change your thought process more than pleasing others. Like any habit, the more you practice the easier it gets. Never, EVER allow anyone or anything get in the way of your sobriety. It took me years to realize my sobriety should always take priority. If you have selfish individuals who will not support you in your process of “taking care of you”, then perhaps they don’t belong in your personal life. You are an incredibly sensitive and kind person and there are those who take advantage of those traits by manipulating through guilt. Don’t buy it. One cannot walk on you unless you lie down first.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s the other way around my dear friend. Your heart and your soul already know what to do. It’s always being in your head that’s in the way. This is exactly why meetings and a sponsor are so important. “Keep coming back” and “It works if you work it” are the platitudes that come to mind to change ones thinking. Practice, practice, practice. Walking through your fear is the only way to get to your end goal. A proper sponsor never judges. I’m always sending positive vibes your way.

        Liked by 1 person

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