The one thing that sucks about early recovery is the lack of stability in your emotions. For example, I have drifted through and cycled back through a variety of emotions this morning before it even reached 10:00 a.m. I woke up irritable, then drifted into some hope, then I engaged in a Twitter conversation that irritated me, then depressed me and I sunk into a depressive mood, and then I felt irritation again and went back through it all. The lack of control on my emotions just pisses me off like you can’t imagine. To say it’s a trigger is an understatement, because within drinking I find a “solution” to me feelings. What I’m saying is that I am a “solution drinker” and not a “problem drinker”.
I know this is part of the process. Early sobriety is full of doubt, full of self-loathing, full of emotional ups and downs, full of physiological responses as the body adjusts to being alcohol free. I know this, but like most things I know about my alcoholism, I also know this is part of the problem – I give into how I feel over what I know. I allow feelings to delude my thinking on all of this. I guess what I really hate about all of it is the simple fact that early soriety just fucking sucks. There is no nice way to put it. I know I’m white-knuckling right now and I know I need to get out of my own head and I do intend to do it, but I haven’t figured out how yet.
But, this is also a nice reminder that I don’t want to do this anymore and unless I get sober, it is inevitable that I will have to deal with early sobriety again. I want to avoid this. Avoiding uncomfortable feelings is my specialty – it’s literally the reason I have found so much comfort in drinking – drinking allowed me to avoid how I feel and it allows me to avoid my own mind. That’s the fucking shit of it all…
I have to face this. There is no avoiding it any longer.
I’m on Day 2.
Please pray for me. I need it.