Yesterday was tough. Overwhelming temptation beat me down.
Today, I woke and realized something.
Many have told me.
I beat myself up way too much.
The thought that came to me this morning in a moment of clarity is that I spend so much time trying to fix my flaws that I don’t embrace anything good about myself. So, the thought that developed in my head was this: “Forgive yourself and move on. Embrace your beautiful qualities and quit focusing on your ugly qualities.”
It becomes readily obvious when you look at my blog or my Tweets. I’ve been very good complimenting others and offering encouragement and compassion where I can, but I rarely do that for myself. And even, as I’m writing this, I’m deleting sentences and rephrasing them because I don’t like the possibility that I can be too negative even in this post intended to be positive. I have a grotesque inability to accept myself as I am. That includes my role in relationships, my sexuality, my flaws (since I’m always trying to change them), my status in life, my position in life, or being an alcoholic.
Although, it does seem like I’m being critical now, I believe I’m being constructive rather than allowing Hilda to speak for me. I know where it comes from too and rather than making it sound like I’m blaming my parents, suffice it to say that my parents taught me to constantly try to better myself in life and it was only because they wanted the best for me – I knew it was from a place of love. What my parents didn’t understand, and neither did I, is that I am obsessive about things. If you tell me that doing something will yield a certain result, I will pursue that thing and abandon all other things. I am a hyper-focused individual and have little understanding of balance. So, as you can imagine, when it came to making myself a better person by trying to eliminate flaws, I went after it with gusto.
This isn’t good for a person’s psyche.
I was set-up for failure with that simple formula, but people are WAY more complex than that. And the best way to handle complex things are to simplify them. So, the simple answer is to accept things as they are and prioritize the most important thing to change. That’s the clarity I had this morning. I am who I am. Do I need to change? Yes, on some things. Should it all be done at once? Eff no! But somethings need to be addressed immediately in the short term. And the thing that needs to be addressed today is to accept myself in this moment.
I wasn’t successful yesterday, but today I can be different. Today I can accept what was, what is and do something about it right now.