I haven’t felt down in a long time. I mean, I have occasional bitchy rants full of whining and bawling like a little bitch, but those are just normal emotional anomalies in day to day functions. But today I’m feeling truly down. I’m still feeling overwhelmed by my life and I am honestly tired of feeling so negative about this shit I’ve gone through in the past five years or so. But today, I’m waking up and thinking to myself that I’ve lost my sense of pride. I’ve lost my sense of understanding what my role is in life anymore. I’m not suicidal – although 2 days away from the 20th anniversary of my brother’s suicide could have something to do with my solemn mood.
I have realized my focus in life has been wrong. I left my passions alone and now my financial situation prevents me from pursuing those passions. I also stopped following my heart in so many things and have solely pursued responsibility and obligations. And for what? There has been no pay-off in the end. I’m stuck
I’m stuck. And I can;t figure my way out of the situation.
I’m tired. I’m tired from fighting so hard to achieve the things I thought were important.
And I’m beginning to think I need to just quit trying. My life is what it is and the harder I try to fight against it, the more disappointed I become. Maybe just accepting this is what my life will be should be my standard. Sometimes failure happens and I have failed in my life. The older I get, the more this feels true.
Maybe my time to do anything has passed. Maybe it’s no longer my time.