S.A.R.D. #23 – Temptation: I Considered Embracing Myself

WARNING/DisclaimerI’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

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I can’t remember the exact day or time frame, but I had a position in downtown Denver, working for a major oilfield service company. At that time, part of my job was having to drive to the western slope of Colorado to meet with various customers and personnel in our field operations.  Of course, the days were busy, but the evenings were mine. One particular evening, I was feeling like being out and about and I was still very new in accepting my sexuality.

That evening, I went back to my hotel room and showered and got dressed. I put on some nice jeans, a nice button up shirt and put my circular, wire rimmed glasses. I felt like I looked good when I peered into the window. What no one would have known that night, but I almost secretly hoped they would is that it was one of the rare times I was wearing panties. It wasn’t something I did often, but I liked wearing them when I was feeling particularly feminine and “gay” (if you will). Deep down, I fantasized about meeting someone and having a passionate night of sex with some guy. I never felt like I was any good at flirting or attracting guys, but this evening I felt like experimenting a little.

So, I went to the bar of the hotel and sat at the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender struck up a small conversation with me.  I’m sure she was used to oilfield guys coming in from Denver, because she asked about what brought me into town. After I finished my drink, I asked the bartender, “So, where do people go around here to meet others and have fun? Any dance clubs or anything?”  She began telling me about different dance clubs and bars around town and said, “Lots of women hang out at these places).

For a moment, I felt my breathing become slow and I glanced around to see if anyone was around that could hear me. I wasn’t out – and the idea of someone finding out I was bisexual worried me a lot. The oilfield is a very tight-knit community and the idea that someone could/would spread rumors about me had me cautious about saying/admitting anything about myself in a way that could impact my career in a negative way (I had other reasons at the time for not being out, but I don’t want to discuss it right now – this was a primary concern at that moment).

When I felt confident enough that no one would hear me, I tuned back towards the bartender and bent my wrist showing my same-sex aversion. “I’m looking for something a little more specific”, I said in a low voice and a slight grin. Understanding, she smirked and said with a slight look of surprise, “Oh…  Well, there’s {Can’t remember the name of the place now} – it’s a pretty popular gay bar. I think you’ll have lots of fun there.”

I felt my face flush as she said it. I finished my beer and got up to leave. I felt a sudden urge to run. Panic kind of set-in, because it felt like I did something I couldn’t take back. I turned to walk out and the bartender said, “Hey! Have fun and I hope you meet someone.” She winked at me, I smiled, waved and left.

I didn’t go to the gay bar.

I scared myself. I went back to my hotel room and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep, because I couldn’t believe what I did. I felt stupid for feeling like I outed myself. The bartender seemed accepting and encouraging, but I felt exposed. I felt naked and exposed. I felt vulnerable and I hate that feeling.  I felt out of control.

I’m not even sure why this memory hit me today, but it did and I wanted to share it.

12 thoughts on “S.A.R.D. #23 – Temptation: I Considered Embracing Myself

  1. Sounds like you had a very serious reality check, huh? I guess it can be… upsetting when someone we don’t know just “knows” that we’re different and especially if you’re trying to hide how different you are. I know I’ve always felt like I have a huge sign on me that says, “I’m bi and I’m available!” and everyone can see it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve had quite a few people guess my “secret” and, okay, what gave it away? They weren’t able to really explain it other than a strong feeling or impression that I wasn’t straight. “Gaydar?” I dunno but they guessed right and I confirmed it – no point in lying.

        Liked by 1 person

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