I Went to Confession.

So, I’m catholic.

And yes, I’m bisexual.

And I went to confession last weekend.

But that’s not really the confession, is it?  I know there are people that find the concept of a bisexual catholic to be a paradox – it’s kinda like a bisexual conservative (I’m that too). I went to confession to speak with a priest about my falling away from faith and falling away from my belief in God. No, I didn’t mention my sexuality – at least not this time, because I had not done anything that would warrant it. No, I quite specifically went because of my struggling faith in God – or a Higher Power. And anyone who knows the Ten Commandments would know that one should have no God other than God.

I saw this as my problem. You see, I recognize that I have worshiped things other than God – false Gods, if you will. Money, other people’s opinions of me, a need to be held up on a pedestal, me own ego, my understanding of success, sex and sexual things, a need to have others think I am smart, drinking, that hot cheerleader in high school, etc. You get the point, I think. I have focused on pursuing things or ideas that don’t necessarily serve me in a positive fashion. So, I confessed these things to a priest last weekend.  I also mentioned other things I have done, but they are quite venial compared to having worshiped these other things.

In a corollary that I feel the need to mention, is the perspective of folks going through the recovery of an AA (alcoholics Anonymous) program – the dependence on a Higher Power.  This concept, top me, has never been an issue. I have never had the inclination to deny the existence of God  (Although I have pondered what God’s real relationship is with all of us and I have pondered how humanity destroys anything/everything it touches). I also fail to do something incredibly important in recovery and in my day-today living. I fail to pray. I fail to “Give it up to God”, as one might say. I’m not very good at depending on God. And I truly believe that this is where my own ego gets in the way.

Why am I writing this, knowing full well that I am not attending mass regularly or even inclined to deny my sexuality? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to accept that there is so much out of my control and so much that I can not understand – no matter how much I want to control and understand. The bottom line is there are just things that I shouldn’t have the deciding say or opinion about. How I get there is still a work in process.

Everything about me is a work in process.

But, I’m going to keep trying and maybe take up prayer again…

5 thoughts on “I Went to Confession.

  1. It takes a while. That is all I can say. Honesty helps. Confession is a major achievement in the skewed Catholic world post Vatican II. Take a look at your pride. Pride keeps people from Confession or a meaningful Fourth Step, and what ultimately has them drink or use again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have never been afraid to do my 4th Step. I can say, without doubt that it’s giving up my resentments that does me in. Not so much that I’m afraid to admit my failings, but not grasping the lack of control I have over some things and accepting things as they are. Bar none, the most difficult thing to handle for me…


  2. One of the things that either always gave me the giggles or made me frown a lot was to sit in church and listening to our pastor preaching about the wages of sin and with the sure knowledge that I was one of those sinners he was breathing fire and brimstone about, that and I knew all of the other similar sinners in attendance and I’d often sneak a peek at them to see if they were having the same kind of reactions to whatever was being preached about (in this category) as I was.

    They usually were. I would sit there and contemplate the hypocrisy involved – and more so when one of the associate pastors would take to the pulpit… and I knew for a fact he wasn’t straight (and we won’t talk about how I knew it, okay?) while other categories of sinners – drinkers, adulterers, etc. – would sit there and look pious and oh, so innocent, look ashamed (temporarily, of course) and sometimes you could see that “If only you knew…” smug look on their face and as if they felt they were getting away with something no one else was aware of.

    After service one Sunday, I approached the pastor about his sermon about the evils of homosexuality and to get some clarity on Onan’s sin (supposedly masturbation) and pointed out to him that our congregation had several known homosexuals and since he knew this as well, how did he “justify” telling those rather upstanding members that they were gonna burn in hell and all that; I also pointed out – with tongue in cheek – that a lot of the male members know a few things about, um, autoeroticism.

    He laughed and admitted that what the gospel likes to preach isn’t really compatible with how people are, that the “threat” of eternal damnation is always one of those “I’ll worry about that when I have to” kind of things but the important thing to him was that “our resident sinners” (he actually said that) were comfortable with the decisions they made about their lives and while religion requires one to believe and without question, he understood that not all people are of a mind to follow things so blindly.

    “My task is to bring The Word,” he said, shaking my hand (and still kinda laughing). “I can’t make anyone believe and I can’t make them change their lives if doing so doesn’t suit their purposes and more so when God requires us to serve in any way that we can, that and we all find our own ways to be right with God, don’t we?”

    I loved that man because he had a special understanding that few ministers of faith have, then or now. He understood that people are gonna be the way they are as far as sexuality was concerned and their acceptance – while knowing what the wages of sin were – was of greater import and that they could be in church with clear hearts and minds. He wouldn’t allow any of the membership to talk down to the openly homosexual members and instead of getting all Old Testament about it, he’d remind them that we should be paying more attention to the New Testament and what was said about loving and caring for each other and without exception.

    Brilliant man and preacher; broke my heart the day he died…

    Liked by 1 person

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