So, I’m catholic.
And yes, I’m bisexual.
And I went to confession last weekend.
But that’s not really the confession, is it? I know there are people that find the concept of a bisexual catholic to be a paradox – it’s kinda like a bisexual conservative (I’m that too). I went to confession to speak with a priest about my falling away from faith and falling away from my belief in God. No, I didn’t mention my sexuality – at least not this time, because I had not done anything that would warrant it. No, I quite specifically went because of my struggling faith in God – or a Higher Power. And anyone who knows the Ten Commandments would know that one should have no God other than God.
I saw this as my problem. You see, I recognize that I have worshiped things other than God – false Gods, if you will. Money, other people’s opinions of me, a need to be held up on a pedestal, me own ego, my understanding of success, sex and sexual things, a need to have others think I am smart, drinking, that hot cheerleader in high school, etc. You get the point, I think. I have focused on pursuing things or ideas that don’t necessarily serve me in a positive fashion. So, I confessed these things to a priest last weekend. I also mentioned other things I have done, but they are quite venial compared to having worshiped these other things.
In a corollary that I feel the need to mention, is the perspective of folks going through the recovery of an AA (alcoholics Anonymous) program – the dependence on a Higher Power. This concept, top me, has never been an issue. I have never had the inclination to deny the existence of God (Although I have pondered what God’s real relationship is with all of us and I have pondered how humanity destroys anything/everything it touches). I also fail to do something incredibly important in recovery and in my day-today living. I fail to pray. I fail to “Give it up to God”, as one might say. I’m not very good at depending on God. And I truly believe that this is where my own ego gets in the way.
Why am I writing this, knowing full well that I am not attending mass regularly or even inclined to deny my sexuality? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to accept that there is so much out of my control and so much that I can not understand – no matter how much I want to control and understand. The bottom line is there are just things that I shouldn’t have the deciding say or opinion about. How I get there is still a work in process.
Everything about me is a work in process.
But, I’m going to keep trying and maybe take up prayer again…