I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:
My role as a parent
My role as a partner
My job situation
My financial situation
And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself. I’m sure other people that experience depression can relate. It’s not even a conscious thing, it just happens. There was nothing that would have even remotely inspired me to realize I needed to take care of myself. I simply didn’t care.
Truthfully, I was thinking about my depression the other day and it hit me that I’m not nearly as bad as I once was. But I also know I am no where out of the woods of that shit. It fucking sucked, to say the least. And because I realized I’m no longer there, I also realized I’m better now – in this exact moment. And by embracing that, I felt better, inspired, motivated to continue the trajectory I am on.
Do I struggle? Yes, of course I do. Does my emotional state take a hit? Fuck yeah, it does!
But, I also know I don;t have to stay in that. I don’t have to focus on it anymore. I accept it as it is. And in that realization, I can also accept other things as they are – alcoholism, sexuality, belief in God, relationships, finances, etc. All of it. There could be so much shame attached to it all. Or I can simply fuck it all off and just make a decision right now.
Because, the only thing that really does matter is what I do right now. And right now I’m choosing not to hate myself. I am choosing not to feel shame from my mistakes right now. Because, I know, and you know, and we all know that shame has a way of fucking us.
And, I’m done allowing shame to fuck me.