I’m Done Allowing Shame to F&^K Me!

I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:

My relationships

Being bisexual

My faith

My alcoholism

My role as a parent

My role as a partner

My job situation

My financial situation

My health

My weight

And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself. I’m sure other people that experience depression can relate. It’s not even a conscious thing, it just happens. There was nothing that would have even remotely inspired me to realize I needed to take care of myself. I simply didn’t care.

Truthfully, I was thinking about my depression the other day and it hit me that I’m not nearly as bad as I once was. But I also know I am no where out of the woods of that shit. It fucking sucked, to say the least. And because I realized I’m no longer there, I also realized I’m better now – in this exact moment. And by embracing that, I felt better, inspired, motivated to continue the trajectory I am on.

Do I struggle?  Yes, of course I do.  Does my emotional state take a hit? Fuck yeah, it does!

But, I also know I don;t have to stay in that. I don’t have to focus on it anymore. I accept it as it is. And in that realization, I can also accept other things as they are – alcoholism, sexuality, belief in God, relationships, finances, etc. All of it. There could be so much shame attached to it all. Or I can simply fuck it all off and just make a decision right now.

Because, the only thing that really does matter is what I do right now. And right now I’m choosing not to hate myself. I am choosing not to feel shame from my mistakes right now. Because, I know, and you know, and we all know that shame has a way of fucking us.

And, I’m done allowing shame to fuck me.

 

 

4 thoughts on “I’m Done Allowing Shame to F&^K Me!

  1. Reblogged this on Acquiescent Soul and commented:

    I’m reblogging this today, because I made a mistake yesterday and drank a beer. It was Easter dinner and someone in my household offered me a beer and I accepted it with no hesitation whatsoever. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew that drinking one would make me crave more. I did crave more. I didn’t have more. I certainly don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to say “No, thank you”, but obviously, it is. I briefly wanted to lambaste myself and call myself an unsuccessful loser. I recognized that was Hilda, but I decided to let Stephanie shine instead. Stephanie told me it is okay, it’s a mistake and there is no reason to condemn myself over it. She told me that I need to focus on the beautiful progress I’ve made and let that be the guiding light to continue the path I’ve begun.

    So, I’m back to the beginning. Yesterday at 4:00 p.m., I began again.

    Like

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