So, I quit…

…my part time job.

I went against my own principles and quit a job without notice. As many of you know, I have been working a part-time job since last September as a means of closing the gab between my expenses and my income. It was simple math, right?

Well, here is where the complexity comes in – or maybe it isn’t complex and I just made it that way. – but, I’m an alcoholic  I am an untreated alcoholic running on complete self-will. I have been in active relapse since last April when I had almost 100 days of sobriety behind me and I threw it all away because of one unresolved resentment. Granted, it’s not like I have been unaware of my problem, but I have certainly avoided dealing with it. And I went to work, part-time, at the one place I should never be – a tap room.

I had convinced myself back in September that I would be fine, that I would not be tempted. Although, deep down, I had Hilda feeding me with dark delusions, clouding my thinking and trying to convince me of the fact that I am an alcoholic. But I was able to work there for a few weeks before I began to have a beer at the end of a shift. Then I began to have a beer at the end of every shift. Then I was going in on days I didn;t have to work and having a couple of beers. Then I was showing up on days I had to work (at a different location) and having a couple of beers before work and then I would have a couple after work. Then I was off and running again. The very last time I worked there – a week ago – my boss there has a beer with me after work and bought me a shot, as well.

I was already major back in active relapse. I was back to drinking 4 or 5 beers per day minimum. In fact, during the week this past week, I woke up in the morning, drank two beers for breakfast, drank a beer on my way to work (my main job). Had two beers for lunch and then that night for dinner drank 3 or 4 more beers. I ended the night by sneaking shots of whiskey, so I could go to sleep.  Yesterday, I went out to lunch with my family and promised myself I was only going to have one beer with lunch, since I had to work at the part time job last night. I drank quite a bit more than one.

After paying for lunch, I knew it. I knew that the part time job didn’t matter, because I was spending everything I was making there. I felt like I needed to quit and I felt like I needed to get myself some help. I had already made an appointment with another therapist, but that wasn’t for another week, so “help” wasn’t going to be immediate. I certainly began to panic because I knew I could not be around any more beer. I knew I didn’t have the power to resist drinking if it were available. I knew I needed to get out of that particular job. So, I made a decision to quit my job an hour before I needed to show up.

So, I called and asked for a manager. One of the managers spoke with me and I informed him that I hated to do something like this on short notice, because it defies my very nature, but I needed to quit. I told him I had a drinking problem and I couldn’t be around any place with beer in it. I told him I was going to get help and that I was sorry. Shockingly, he told me that although I wasn’t giving a two week notice, that if I needed a job again I could always call back. He also told me, if I needed a reference, he would be happy to give me one. I felt a sense of relief like I hadn’t in a long time. I owned my issue, I admitted my issue and I decided to do something about it.

There was something else I failed to mention, right before the call: I had full mental clarity about what I needed to do.  I fully knew that this job was a huge pathway to allow me to avoid the real responsibilities in my life. I was trapped in a cycle I wasn’t breaking, and although I knew I was doing something wrong by not giving notice to my resignation, I also knew that I was fooling myself if I remained. I knew this would not be the thing that destroyed me, but if I keep drinking then my chances of self-destruction are 100% guaranteed.

Today is a new beginning for me. And yes, I’ve traversed this Day 1 of sobriety so many times, I would not be surprised if people doubted me. Hell, I’d be lying if I doubted myself. But I can admit it. I can own it. And without that, I can’t possibly ever make the change. And for those of you that keep following my heap of a dumpster fire, please keep supporting and encouraging me, because I truly value it.

I quit drinking.

Day 1