I admit it.
Sometimes I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I have to admit I’m week and fickle when it comes to drinking (That’s a fucking understatement shrouded in delusion – I’m a fucking alcoholic). At times, it feels like a huge character flaw to admit this is something I have to struggle with overcoming. It makes me feel like a failure to say the words, “I’m an alcoholic”.
But I know I’m simply judging myself. And I’ve heard that my judgment on such things cannot be trusted. So, maybe that’t the real point of getting myself out of this mess, huh? I’ve been in active relapse, since last April. I’m not going to go into detail about how bad it got, but it was far worse than I ever thought was possible. And, I don’t even know it was a simple one thing deal that convinced me to re-engage in the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program, but I went to a meeting last night. I had called my sponsor yesterday afternoon too.
I was surprised at his reaction, actually. There was no discussion about what I did wrong, it was like we took up the conversation from where we left off about 11 months ago. He did inform me, I would begin at Step One again, which is okay. I know, within my inner being, that I don’t drink like “normal” people. Granted, I don’t get drunk – at least not falling down drunk, or blackout drunk or any sort of behavior that would earn me societal condemnation; but I know that I find comfort in a drink. When I feel like complete and utter crap, when my depression sinks me to a pit or my anxiety has me shaking with some sort of panicked motivation, I know I find ease that only a couple of beers can provide.
So, now, I’ll have a regiment of meetings, calling my sponsor and working the steps again. I am involving other sober people in recovery, as well, and I’m going to allow something other than my own knowledge and intellect to solve this problem. My sponsor said to me yesterday, in fact, “You’re an intelligent man, but intelligence isn’t always the answer to alcoholism”. I believe this to be true.
I’m back on Step 1 and I’m working on another day without a drink. Today marks 2 days since I’ve had a beer.