Sporadic Emotions: Why Can’t I Accept How I Feel?

I’m putting some distance behind my last drink, but I could be getting closer to the next one if I am not careful. I understands this and I understand that yesterday had me feeling really tempted. I didn’t do it, because I called my sponsor and went to an AA meeting. It helped settle me some, but today has me waking up feeling a little at odds with myself. I don’t like this feeling.

Sometimes, I don’t feel like my insides match my outsides. In other words, I can feel really good on the inside and then when I look at myself, physically, I find myself not liking myself. When I recess into the solitude of my mind, I find comfort with myself and I feel somewhat at peace with myself. But, when I think about exposing myself in this respect to the world around me, I feel intense inferiority. I find myself wanting to have others proud of who I am, but finding that there is a major disconnect from what I feel and what I am obligated to do. On the one hand, I take great pleasure in being what I need to be to serve others. But, on the other hand, I feel like I life a lie or live in a way that is in defiance of who/what I am.

I find myself, like today, feeling really good about something and then I venture out and realize the outside world is not a place that can welcome me…

…or am I in complete denial?

What if it is all in my mind how I feel?

What if I am worrying about things for no reason whatsoever?

I’m not really sure what mental gymnastics go on in my head at times, but I do know it’s not the best thing for me. I guess, what I’m really trying to say is that I want to feel okay with however I feel. I want to be at a place where I can embrace myself and I find the anxiety I feel to be somewhat overbearing at times when I feel like venturing out of my norm. On the one hand it feels like it would be so freeing; but the downside is that it ends up making me feel so much worse. I want a balance. I want the self-acceptance.

But, for today, I know the main thing I need to focus on is just another day of sobriety. Today, I just need to not drink and just allow the things I have no control over to happen.

Today is day 8.

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Sporadic Emotions: Why Can’t I Accept How I Feel?

    1. I’m trying to ignore the news. I fluctuate with this whole virus thing…sometimes I think it is completely absurd and other times I’m worried that this is going to kill so many people. So, I’m trying to steer away from fear and just manage what I can in my own little world.

      Liked by 1 person

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