I’m putting some distance behind my last drink, but I could be getting closer to the next one if I am not careful. I understands this and I understand that yesterday had me feeling really tempted. I didn’t do it, because I called my sponsor and went to an AA meeting. It helped settle me some, but today has me waking up feeling a little at odds with myself. I don’t like this feeling.
Sometimes, I don’t feel like my insides match my outsides. In other words, I can feel really good on the inside and then when I look at myself, physically, I find myself not liking myself. When I recess into the solitude of my mind, I find comfort with myself and I feel somewhat at peace with myself. But, when I think about exposing myself in this respect to the world around me, I feel intense inferiority. I find myself wanting to have others proud of who I am, but finding that there is a major disconnect from what I feel and what I am obligated to do. On the one hand, I take great pleasure in being what I need to be to serve others. But, on the other hand, I feel like I life a lie or live in a way that is in defiance of who/what I am.
I find myself, like today, feeling really good about something and then I venture out and realize the outside world is not a place that can welcome me…
…or am I in complete denial?
What if it is all in my mind how I feel?
What if I am worrying about things for no reason whatsoever?
I’m not really sure what mental gymnastics go on in my head at times, but I do know it’s not the best thing for me. I guess, what I’m really trying to say is that I want to feel okay with however I feel. I want to be at a place where I can embrace myself and I find the anxiety I feel to be somewhat overbearing at times when I feel like venturing out of my norm. On the one hand it feels like it would be so freeing; but the downside is that it ends up making me feel so much worse. I want a balance. I want the self-acceptance.
But, for today, I know the main thing I need to focus on is just another day of sobriety. Today, I just need to not drink and just allow the things I have no control over to happen.
Today is day 8.