I have to be honest.
I’m not managing my sobriety so well. I haven’t been going to AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings – I’m easily using the Covid-19 pandemic as an excuse (not to mention I live in a state with a mandated stay at home order) – I am sporadically calling my sponsor, and I’ve not read much of the Big Book. I’m not sure what it is or why I am doing it. I’m thankful that I don’t have much desire to drink, as I approach three weeks since I last had a drink, the physical craving isn’t as strong as it was a day or two into this attempt.
It’s weird, but I am oddly calm during this current crisis. I am not sure why it is, but I rarely panic when other people panic. When there is chaos and disorder around me, my patience and mental focus becomes quite acute. I am able to calm myself in this human storm in the history of our existence. I suppose in some weird way, I know that there are few places to go right now, since so many businesses are closed – and that includes restaurants and bars. Although living in Colorado, where liquor stores and cannibas shops are considered “essential businesses”, I don’t have any urge to go get any beer to drink.
Previous experiences have taught me, however, that this is dangerous ground for me. In the past, all it takes is one emotional spark and I am drinking beer like a fish. And I struggle with the mental gymnastics of wanting to hold someone else responsible for me not wanting to engage in the AA program versus having the backbone and gonads to stand up for myself and do what’s right – regardless of the real or perceived hindrances to my sobriety. I realize one of my biggest character flaws is that I concern myself way too much with what other people thing…and without being painfully obvious, I tend to care much more the closer the relationship to other people.
I know I’m sober today though and I will make it through this 17th day.