Yesterday, I indicated that I wasn’t managing my sobriety so well. That’s probably an understatement, and today – this morning, especially – I felt my thoughts begin to unravel my emotions. It was a common tactic of Hilda, I’m sure. But I don’t want to feel this way, so I am writing this all down, because I feel like Stephanie needs to make an appearance today, to show me how to love myself and appreciate that I am human. But, let me put some perspective on this, because I feel like my thoughts are getting regurgitated without any reason.
Due to how I was feeling yesterday about my sobriety, I spoke with my sponsor. During the conversation, he suggested I participate in an online AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting online via Zoom. And he said that although I have just under three weeks of sobriety, that I should make myself available to anyone else who is new and has less time than I got. I agreed.
I failed to do it.
I attended the online meeting on Zoom and the topic happened to be about the power of the first drink over alcoholics. I rambled something about it that I can’t really recall right now and then I mentioned that I was available to anyone who is brand new in sobriety. Someone messaged me during the meeting and asked to speak with me after the meeting. Of course, I agreed. Then as the final half of the meeting was under way, my wife walked in on the meeting. It kind of pissed me off that I couldn’t receive the privacy I asked for. So, I left the meeting and I felt like I failed the guy that reached out to me.
This set me up for pondering why I always give in to these kinds of things. It reminded me of something else my sponsor mentioned during the phone call earlier in the day: I’m a people-pleaser. He’s right. I lost somewhere my ability to set boundaries. I’ve lost my backbone and it bothers me that I feel guilty when I’m told how much of an asshole I am when I try and set boundaries. So, I tend to give in to every whim of my wife. And I never mention it, because I feel like when I do that I create bigger problems between us. So, I keep my mouth shut and never do anything about it.
I went to bed last night, but my mind didn’t give any of this a rest. I woke up feeling disappointed in myself. And that disappointment ruined my motivation to go run this morning. I had started running this week, to get some exercise and today I didn’t feel like it. That made me even more disappointed in myself. And then I realized I didn’t track my calorie intake (something else I’ve been doing trying to make changes in my life) for the remaining half of the day yesterday. That led to more self-disappointing thoughts.
And then it really began to pour on, this is a small sample of the multitude of thoughts going on in my head this morning…
I had a flash back of when I was on a date with one woman, when I first spotted the woman who would later be my wife. My date knew I was looking. That was a dick move on my part.
Ugh…why did you ever get married? You got her pregnant, you dip shit. You had top be a father, you did what was needed for you kids.
I’m just fucked up. Did I have any clue what I wanted out of life back then? The thought of being bisexual wasn’t even on your mind?
Maybe you’re not even an alcoholic? Maybe you’re just a fucking pussy who can’t handle the mistakes he’s made.
There’s no way I could ever come out anyways? WTF? You’re nothing more than a passing societal fad, hiding from yourself and your responsibilities.
Quit being a pussy.
Why can’t I feel excitement about the raise I was given at work?
Not everything has to be perfect you know? Man up! Own your shit and move on!
Man up? WTF is that? Can you even be a man expressing such faggoty things all of the time?
It’s not all about you!
Why are you thinking this way? Stop! Quit it! Now get on your knees and pray.
I know this seems like a broken record. It’s quite obvious that I go through these kinds of things on a regular basis. But one thing I am seeing as a positive is that I told myself to stop the negativity – well, more like I told Hilda. I know I question myself a lot. I know that there is no possibility I could ever really be Stephanie. I am who I am though, and I want to feel how I imagine she feels. I want to have some iota of self-respect.
After I prayed, I made a gratitude list, showered, got ready for work and left. I fell back into a routine that has been working for the past couple of weeks. If I am ever going to make the changes I need to make, I need to learn to accept that I am not perfect and it is okay. This is a point where I imagine Stephanie would hug herself and reassure herself that it’s all okay and that you just pick up where you left off and go out and do the things that are important.
Today I will not drink. Today is day 18.