BMJ: Day 107 & 108 – Reflect on Your Desired Tributes/Make the Right Decision

It’s been a while since I last wrote in my Beautiful Me Journal (BMJ), but based on a couple of conversations I had over the past 24 hours, I decided to make an entry. For those of you new to this series on my blog, I have mentioned in previous posts that I would skip around a little bit in the recommendations offered in the book I’ve been reading on this topic.  Also, sometimes within this series of posts, I’ll refer to myself in feminine or female-identified ways. The entry for this day, seemed highly relevant to the things I’m looking at right now.

For example, a friend on Twitter asked me, “Who do you think you are in the perfect scenario? What would it look like?”  The question was in reference to my sexuality and sexual identity – something, as all of you know, I struggle – and the question was really difficult for me to answer. Honestly, I’m not sure what “perfect” is or should be. I’m unsure what is best for me. This person, of course, is the same person who gave me the compliment that I mentioned in another post. I answered her as best I could and I’ll develop upon the ideas being presented right here too.

Another conversation I had was in reference to a different conversation I had with a different friend. Here, she asked me, “Are you feeling more fulfillment?” with respect to my career. I’m not from the standpoint of the job I’m in, but I am gaining more perspective on my life and I am finding a sense of purpose right now – even if that purpose is change. And let’s be honest, this entire series, as well as many other series of posts on my blog, are all about me changing. And I think the change is going to be good!

But the recommendations for today’s entry in my BMJ is all about the roles I would want to see myself or even my current roles. And then the reader is asked what is they want to do – i.e. “Make the Right Decision”. Well, I have so many dreams and ambitions, that prioritizing is so difficult, so I have decided I am going to generalize this a little to offer the so-called “gist” of what it is I want.

Certainly, there was a time when my ambitions were more shallow – the perfect house, the perfect job, the right look, the perfect spouse, so on and so forth. But now, as I come out of the fog of self-loathing set-up by my alcoholism, I see myself differently. Although, I struggle with relationships – not just intimate relationships, but really all relationships – but I don’t want that struggle. I have found I really enjoy my girlfriends from Twitter. And by girlfriends, I don’t mean romantic loving ones – just those kinds of friends that any woman would want. I want that kind of role with my friendships – to be one of the girls, ya know?  I find myself still wanting to pursue a job that has relevance to science and or math, but also offers the kind of service to society that is beneficial to people. I value my conscientious attitude towards people, in general, so I want to be in a role where I can care for someone if they need it – to offer help. Honestly, I am unsure about my marriage and/or intimate relationships, in general. I truly don’t know what will happen here, but I know I have always seen myself in a committed relationship, but I can’t answer what role I want in such a situation. So, I’m leaving it open ended until I can figure it out. I am still in the role of student of life too, because I’m wanting to be open minded to learning about things – especially myself, so I can interact and relate to those around me.

I’m not sure how I did explaining all of this, but hopefully, it gives you some idea where I want to be and what I want out of my life. Thank you! ❤

(I’m feeling kind of happy after writing this)

2 thoughts on “BMJ: Day 107 & 108 – Reflect on Your Desired Tributes/Make the Right Decision

  1. The “problem” with the ideal sexuality situation is that it’s too easy to create such a thing in your mind… but not always easy to execute. I’ve found that it generally takes a lot of trial and error stuff to develop enough information to come to a solid decision on how to go about handling your needs in this. I see a lot of guys talking about their ideal situation every day and many of them are out of sorts because the situation isn’t bearing fruit.

    One can create some pretty elaborate and detailed situations and to the extent that any goals in this become unreachable. Now, having said that…

    A “general formula” that can be applied to a lot of things goes like this: What do I want to do? Why do I want to do it? When does this need to happen? Who needs to be involved in this in order for it to work the way I’d like it to? How can I get it done? – and then start drilling down from there but always keeping in mind that there’s no such thing as a perfect situation and, as they say in the military, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. So when applying this formula, it’s best to first set a reachable goal – one you’re pretty sure you can reach but also be ready to modify it as necessary – then have backup plans to cover any contingencies you can think of but, again, with the understanding that something you never though of can appear at any time.

    And then if something doesn’t work out, don’t get bent out of shape about it. My mom taught me a valuable lesson about this; she said, “You always have to leave room for mistakes to happen because when they do, you’re not going to be surprised by them and fixing them can be easier because you expected whatever you were planning to not go right from the beginning.”

    Of course, she was right and it was one of the best things she ever told and taught me and more so because it works. Then there are both long and short term goals, situations, scenarios, etc., and the biggest issue is often having too many of them to keep track of – that’s when stuff starts falling through the cracks, gets forgotten, or otherwise becomes unattainable.

    The sexuality thing begins with, “I’d like to be in this situation…” and usually based upon what you already know and have experienced then adjusted to how you are at the moment this thought crosses your mind. Next is, “Is this realistic?” – it makes you start poking holes in the “ideal” situation and along the way you work alternative situations to determine if your ideal situation is going to be viable and doable. Then what are you gonna have to do to even start making the ideal situation into a real and workable one? This usually involves thinking about every little thing that you think is going to just screw the implementation up, from people to timing. If you get it off the ground, you’re gonna have to already have a plan in place to keep it working because no ideal situation I know of in this particular category is ever self-sustaining – they just do not ever work flawlessly and by themselves.

    And more so in this when the other thing you have to take into consideration is: Who can I be this way with? And that calls for more thinking, adjusting, and is fairly guaranteed not to go the way your ideal situation would in the initial planning phase.

    In anything, you have to take stock of what you already have then ask yourself what, if anything, you can do to improve things; what has to be changed? When should any changes – additions or deletions – be enacted? If it’s broke, fix it; if it ain’t broke, leave it alone; if it’s a little busted up but workable, okay, work with it until you’re able to spruce it up – but if you can’t, well, ya just can’t.

    In any ideal situation, the hardest thing to plan for and to execute is totally and completely scrapping the ideal situation and starting over from scratch – while taking note of why it had to be scrapped.

    All of this plays into something I keep telling you over and over: Worry about the things you can do something about, don’t worry about the things you can do absolutely nothing about. Set goals… but set them so they can be achieved and the simpler they are, the easier they are to accomplish. For the sexuality thing – again – it’s good to have some scenarios in your head but you also have to understand that reality is whole different critter and you do have to ask yourself – and in any ideal situation you can think of is am I confident and comfortable enough with myself to make this happen? Which works for any other ideal situation you can think of for all the other aspects of your life.


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