It’s been a while since I last wrote in my Beautiful Me Journal (BMJ), but based on a couple of conversations I had over the past 24 hours, I decided to make an entry. For those of you new to this series on my blog, I have mentioned in previous posts that I would skip around a little bit in the recommendations offered in the book I’ve been reading on this topic. Also, sometimes within this series of posts, I’ll refer to myself in feminine or female-identified ways. The entry for this day, seemed highly relevant to the things I’m looking at right now.
For example, a friend on Twitter asked me, “Who do you think you are in the perfect scenario? What would it look like?” The question was in reference to my sexuality and sexual identity – something, as all of you know, I struggle – and the question was really difficult for me to answer. Honestly, I’m not sure what “perfect” is or should be. I’m unsure what is best for me. This person, of course, is the same person who gave me the compliment that I mentioned in another post. I answered her as best I could and I’ll develop upon the ideas being presented right here too.
Another conversation I had was in reference to a different conversation I had with a different friend. Here, she asked me, “Are you feeling more fulfillment?” with respect to my career. I’m not from the standpoint of the job I’m in, but I am gaining more perspective on my life and I am finding a sense of purpose right now – even if that purpose is change. And let’s be honest, this entire series, as well as many other series of posts on my blog, are all about me changing. And I think the change is going to be good!
But the recommendations for today’s entry in my BMJ is all about the roles I would want to see myself or even my current roles. And then the reader is asked what is they want to do – i.e. “Make the Right Decision”. Well, I have so many dreams and ambitions, that prioritizing is so difficult, so I have decided I am going to generalize this a little to offer the so-called “gist” of what it is I want.
Certainly, there was a time when my ambitions were more shallow – the perfect house, the perfect job, the right look, the perfect spouse, so on and so forth. But now, as I come out of the fog of self-loathing set-up by my alcoholism, I see myself differently. Although, I struggle with relationships – not just intimate relationships, but really all relationships – but I don’t want that struggle. I have found I really enjoy my girlfriends from Twitter. And by girlfriends, I don’t mean romantic loving ones – just those kinds of friends that any woman would want. I want that kind of role with my friendships – to be one of the girls, ya know? I find myself still wanting to pursue a job that has relevance to science and or math, but also offers the kind of service to society that is beneficial to people. I value my conscientious attitude towards people, in general, so I want to be in a role where I can care for someone if they need it – to offer help. Honestly, I am unsure about my marriage and/or intimate relationships, in general. I truly don’t know what will happen here, but I know I have always seen myself in a committed relationship, but I can’t answer what role I want in such a situation. So, I’m leaving it open ended until I can figure it out. I am still in the role of student of life too, because I’m wanting to be open minded to learning about things – especially myself, so I can interact and relate to those around me.
I’m not sure how I did explaining all of this, but hopefully, it gives you some idea where I want to be and what I want out of my life. Thank you! ❤
(I’m feeling kind of happy after writing this)