I’m re-blogging this today, because I made a mistake yesterday and drank a beer. It was Easter dinner and someone in my household offered me a beer and I accepted it with no hesitation whatsoever. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew that drinking one would make me crave more. I did crave more. I didn’t have more. I certainly don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to say “No, thank you”, but obviously, it is. I briefly wanted to lambaste myself and call myself an unsuccessful loser. I recognized that was Hilda, but I decided to let Stephanie shine instead. Stephanie told me it is okay, it’s a mistake and there is no reason to condemn myself over it. She told me that I need to focus on the beautiful progress I’ve made and let that be the guiding light to continue the path I’ve begun.
So, I’m back to the beginning. Yesterday at 4:00 p.m., I began Day 1 again.
Edit (04/16/2020): I’m not calling it Day 1. I’m keeping my original sobriety date. This is a blip on the radar and having it reminded me that this is NOT the route I want to take. I didn’t have more, I didn’t want to descend into the darkness of my mind. I turned away from it, so I’m calling it a mother-fucking success!
I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:
My relationships
Being bisexual
My faith
My alcoholism
My role as a parent
My role as a partner
My job situation
My financial situation
My health
My weight
And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself…
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Acquiescent Soul 
Lemme ask you something: How many people who knows you knows that you’re trying to stop drinking? It seems to me that if people knew, they’d know not to offer you beer!
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I wonder about someone who lives in your house offering you a beer. I know the burden is on you to say no, but why would they offer one. That is sabotage and seems like a big problem.
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I don’t believe it was intentional, but I’m taking it in stride. I’m not giving up. And I’m thinking that I’ll keep my sobriety date of March 15.
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I’m glad you’re handling it well. I know you have to take responsibility for your own actions and I applaud your attitude.
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I’ve never been afraid of accountability. Impulse is my issue, not honesty.
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