Continuing following a long my Beautiful Me Journal (BMJ), the author of the book I’m following states specific questions with respect to making dreams a reality. But I’m going to do this entry, slightly, differently considering my last post in the BMJ was a little more selective than the author intended – not that my sexuality isn’t important, but I really don’t want it to be my defining quality. I’d like to think I’m so much more and that I deserve Stephanie to be a more well-rounded and prominent voice inside of me. So, I’m going to state what some of my goals are, along with how I’m working towards achieving those. They’ll be brief explanations, but I’m feeling oddly positive about them.
First and foremost, I have mentioned three overall goals before. In fact, they are pinned on my profile in Twitter, if you’re interested. But these goals are not changing, but I’ll reiterate them and mention some of the things I have been doing and what I intend to do to continue the path.
Build my spiritual life:
This is of primary importance. I have been saying prayers daily – both night and day. I begin each morning asking God (or Goddess, or Higher Power or whatever he or she might actually be, I’m not longer being picky and defining God – I assume She can do that on her own) for Serenity, sobriety and opening my mind to His will. I was raised catholic, and as a result, I will continue to pray my Rosary. There is a very meditative aspect to praying the rosary and I have noticed it helps me sleep. I will continue to attend AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings (either online or in person when the Covid-19 thing comes to a manageable situation), I will continue to work with my sponsor and I will continue taking in stories and podcasts that work towards recovery. I am also in the process of setting up an intake with a mental health professional, so I can more directly deal with the things I struggle – my depression, my anxiety, my alcoholism, my interpersonal relationships, my sexuality, my understanding of my own gender role, my self-image, etc. I will continue to write in my gratitude journal and I will continue writing this blog and my BMJ. I have accepted that this will be an ongoing and never ending endeavor. But of primary importance in this and in all things: I’ll stop trying to be perfect and continue to progress towards betterment.
I have made huge strides in eating better and taking care of my type 1 diabetes. I have every intention of getting back to regular exercise, but I am no longer beating myself up over “failures”. Rather, I simply recognize what I did and build upon the things I did to work towards better health. I’m tracking my calories and diet, testing my blood glucose regularly and will begin running soon. Again, I’m not working towards perfection, but towards progress.
I have remained steady at a job I don’t particularly like, but it has helped me avoid some major financial disasters. I am nowhere out of the woods and I continue to look for better jobs/careers. I have gone back to school. I took a hiatus from my Master of Science degree in Data Analytics, but I have started again. I plan to be finished in about a year and I believe it will make me more marketable and I have a dream that I will eventually gain the financial independence I desire. Like I said, there are some major obstacles I need to overcome, but I have come to accept and appreciate that I am doing the best I can, and if I focus on my spiritual well-being, I’ll be able to weather any storm my challenges provide. Again, I am making progress here and that is the most important thing I can imagine.
I will be revisiting these goals from time to time in various ways; but if you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you’ll recognize that I am a hot mess falling into a dumpster fire. However, I take pride in my resilience, fortitude, grace (okay, it’s a stretch, but let me dream, okay?) and perseverance.
(I feel really good writing this today)