To say alcoholics obsess over things it really an understatement. Take for example, my obsession over my sobriety date. The most recent time I decided to quit drinking was on March 15th? The significance of that is it being the Ides of March marking the death of Caesar – I just assumed the irony of calling alcohol dead to me on that day seemed appropriate. Well, I also mentioned I had a small hang-up this past Sunday – on Easter. I had even posed a question on Twitter about this. On the one hand, I felt bad about it, on the other I didn’t really care that much. And the past couple of days, I have been torturing myself with the idea of it.
Am I really sober if I had a beer and then decided I didn’t want it?
Am I really an alcoholic if I was able to stop after one beer?
What do I care what people think of me, if I did it?
Is that co-dependence speaking when I concern myself with how I need to adjust my thoughts and feelings to satisfy someone else?
And so on…
You get the picture, right? Well, I decided “Fuck it!” I’ve been sober for a month. Yes, I accepted a beer offered to me, but I didn’t really want it. I didn’t even finish it to every last drop. And dumped some of it out and decided that was it, I can’t do this. I really don’t want it and I really don’t want to sink down into the darkness of self-loathing and self-hatred that depression and anxiety over things like this can cause me. So, I decided to just let it go. Just move on from it. Accept the fact that I am an alcoholic and I can’t drink. I found it revolting to drink it, and I knew I was doing it out of a sense of obligation to show appreciation.
I don’t need it.
I’ve been pushing forward and it wasn’t perfect, but it was progress. And, it’s the progress I want. Granted, I’m going to call my sponsor about it – in 10-minutes, actually and see what he says, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m still on the path of sobriety and I’m still wanting to remain sober. I am going to call myself a strong bitch today! I got this today and today is all I need to worry about!
Update one hour after posting this: So, I spoke to my sponsor and after discussing the matter with him, I began my sobriety on Sunday. So, I’m on day 4. I’m slightly frustrated, but I am surrendering to the process and trusting that all things happen for a reason. Due to the way I drank, it is probably the best route for me to take, since total abstinence is the goal. You see, my drinking was always “controlled” and the very act of controlling something really does mean that there is a need to control it. For me, my drinking in the past consisted of one beer, then the next time one or two. Maintain that for a little while, and then kick it up to two or three. And before I know it, I’m throwing back several in a sitting, drinking it for breakfast, etc. So, I am on Day 4 and Step 1.