I’ve always kind have been a a go home or go big kind of person. I don’t enjoy the mundane and I prefer to take on tasks or goals that challenge me. I’ve never been afraid to push myself to my limits for the purpose of pushing the boundaries of those limits for the purpose of growth and development. The unfortunate side effect of this aspect of my personality is that I take on way more than I can truly handle. It sets me up for sacrifices I’m not sure I can handle. And it’s always caused my personal relationships to flounder as a result.
I feel like I’m doing it again. I feel like my goal oriented personality is pushing me to set up challenges and goals that are noble and worthy, but have the distinct possibility of being more than I can handle all at once. Just recently, I posted about some of my goals. I generalized everything I have going on, but I didn’t put much into detail. But this morning, I woke up…
Actually, the feelings began happening yesterday, but I feel like I’m facing my challenges right now as if they are an unconquered mountain in front of me. A mountain that has not been attempted, so never mind seeing myself on the top of that mountain. I’ve got a number of things going on that I feel like I’m starting to flounder.
For example, I began school again last week. I’m determined to finish my M.S. degree in Data Analytics. It’s taken me the past few years to even gain the confidence to think I can continue down this path. But here I am in my second week. The problem? I have three assignments due before Sunday and I haven’t been able to get to them.
I’ve also been trying to get an appointment with a therapist. And I know the mere fact that the Covid-19 pandemic is making a lot of things like this difficult to manage, I felt it was important to really begin addressing the things in my life that causes me the most distress. The problem? The last therapist I got I was feeling like I didn’t want to work with her because she counsels from a Christian view point and I began to wonder if my sexuality was going to be an issue, so I decided I would work with someone else. The new therapist doesn’t seem to be putting a level of importance to me that I thing she should be. And I’m beginning to question if I am wasting my time – time that is starting to become extremely valuable, since I am finding very limited amounts.
Another challenge is my health and getting back into shape. I wasn’t upset with myself until yesterday and I know most of my struggles here are self-induced and have a lot to do with me comparing myself to others. I recognize that is the unhealthy portion of my overall desire to get into shape and be healthy. But I’m also finding that there have been obstacles to the goals I have set for myself. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t ever find the time or energy to work out and it’s frustrating.
And of course, last and certainly not least, is me working on my sobriety. Yesterday, I was trying to keep a positive attitude to the fact that I needed to surrender to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. This past Wednesday would have been 30 days of sobriety for me, if I had not tempted a beer this past Sunday. But after speaking to my sponsor yesterday, and discussing my pattern of drinking – total abstinence is the way for me to go. And even as I talk about this, I can hear the little voice in my head telling me it’s all bullshit (Hilda, maybe?). The reality is that I could have one beer this past Sunday, convince myself I’m not an alcoholic and hold off until I have a stressful day and then I’ll have one beer until the next stressful day and then before I know it, I’m drinking wine, shots of whiskey and several beers in a series of stressful days. Although, I know it’s detrimental, I feel like the task of getting sober is insurmountable today.
And now, I feel like crying because I know I have forgotten how to handle all of these types of challenges…
But, I won’t drink today. Today I’ll manage. Day 5.