S.A.R.D. #24 – Breaking-Up

WARNING/Disclaimer: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

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I’ve never ended a relationship. I don’t have any experience doing that.

And it probably doesn’t help that I have only had two serious relationships my entire life. One was with Kat and the other is with my wife. Sure, I have had some minor relationships, flings, one night stands or whatever, but I have never been the one to break up with anyone. For all I know, some of those minor flings that never went any where could very well mean I’m technically still in the relationship, since neither of us had technically ended things… (Bad joke?), but ultimately I’ve never ended the committed relationship. Even with Kat, it was she who said she wanted to end the relationship – granted, she kept fucking me while she was in a relationship with someone else, but I’ll get into that in a moment.

The reason I’m bringing this topic to my series on Sexual and Relationship Development (SARD), is because I am strongly considering ending my 22 year marriage. And it made me realize I really don’t know how to do this. What’s worse about this whole thing? I truly feel like I’ve made a post like this before – either on this blog or on one of my previous two blogs. The last major relationship that ended, began with Kat – even if I finalized it.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Kat had cheated on me. The sad thing is that, she cheated on my several times more, before the relationship finally ended. In the throes of the relationship’s demise, I had proposed to her – granted, I was drunk at the time, so I’m sure that was less than appealing to her. But, eventually, she had said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, but it was confusing because we kept hooking up to fuck (Kat really was one of the best sexual partners I ever had). The boyfriend-girlfriend commitment ended while I was going through the police academy. Obviously, it crushed me, because I felt like I was more than willing to look past the cheating and focused on the things that I felt were solid about our relationship. They were not solid…we were emotionally depending on each other to attempt to heal the scars we both felt over both of our sets of parents’ divorces. So, as you can imagine, the element of co-dependence is part of my story in relationships.

Mine and Kat’s relationship lasted for almost five years, with the last six months of her and I hooking up for sex. What I didn’t know at the time, is that she was living with the last guy with whom she had cheated. I had already moved away from home and living about four hours away and would come home to visit family on weekends. During my time home, Kat and I always managed to find a way to get together for some great sex. I remember at a certain point, I had asked her to move with me and see if we can rekindle the relationship. It was at this point that she told me she was living with Geoff (that was his name). She literally told me that she wanted to keep her relationship with Geoff but keep hooking up with me.

It was in this moment that I had some slight mental clarity and chose to finalize ending the relationship permanently. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I had resorted to a childish and emotional response as we were speaking on the phone. I yelled, “I hope you die of AIDS.” I hung up the phone and never spoke to her again after that (That’s a slight lie…I ran into her about 10 years after, but it was a brief conversation in passing).

I’m in need of ending the relationship now with my wife, and I’m not sure how to do that. Remembering how childishly I acted then has me feeling like I want to do this gracefully, but the entire toxicity of my marriage makes it feel like I have to. I just don’t know how to do it and how to gain the courage to do it.