S.A.R.D. #24 – Breaking-Up

WARNING/DisclaimerI’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

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I’ve never ended a relationship. I don’t have any experience doing that.

And it probably doesn’t help that I have only had two serious relationships my entire life. One was with Kat and the other is with my wife. Sure, I have had some minor relationships, flings, one night stands or whatever, but I have never been the one to break up with anyone. For all I know, some of those minor flings that never went any where could very well mean I’m technically still in the relationship, since neither of us had technically ended things… (Bad joke?), but ultimately I’ve never ended the committed relationship. Even with Kat, it was she who said she wanted to end the relationship – granted, she kept fucking me while she was in a relationship with someone else, but I’ll get into that in a moment.

The reason I’m bringing this topic to my series on Sexual and Relationship Development (SARD), is because I am strongly considering ending my 22 year marriage. And it made me realize I really don’t know how to do this. What’s worse about this whole thing? I truly feel like I’ve made a post like this before – either on this blog or on one of my previous two blogs. The last major relationship that ended, began with Kat – even if I finalized it.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Kat had cheated on me. The sad thing is that, she cheated on my several times more, before the relationship finally ended. In the throes of the relationship’s demise, I had proposed to her – granted, I was drunk at the time, so I’m sure that was less than appealing to her. But, eventually, she had said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, but it was confusing because we kept hooking up to fuck (Kat really was one of the best sexual partners I ever had). The boyfriend-girlfriend commitment ended while I was going through the police academy. Obviously, it crushed me, because I felt like I was more than willing to look past the cheating and focused on the things that I felt were solid about our relationship. They were not solid…we were emotionally depending on each other to attempt to heal the scars we both felt over both of our sets of parents’ divorces. So, as you can imagine, the element of co-dependence is part of my story in relationships.

Mine and Kat’s relationship lasted for almost five years, with the last six months of her and I hooking up for sex. What I didn’t know at the time, is that she was living with the last guy with whom she had cheated. I had already moved away from home and living about four hours away and would come home to visit family on weekends. During my time home, Kat and I always managed to find a way to get together for some great sex. I remember at a certain point, I had asked her to move with me and see if we can rekindle the relationship. It was at this point that she told me she was living with Geoff (that was his name). She literally told me that she wanted to keep her relationship with Geoff but keep hooking up with me.

It was in this moment that I had some slight mental clarity and chose to finalize ending the relationship permanently. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I had resorted to a childish and emotional response as we were speaking on the phone. I yelled, “I hope you die of AIDS.” I hung up the phone and never spoke to her again after that (That’s a slight lie…I ran into her about 10 years after, but it was a brief conversation in passing).

I’m in need of ending the relationship now with my wife, and I’m not sure how to do that. Remembering how childishly I acted then has me feeling like I want to do this gracefully, but the entire toxicity of my marriage makes it feel like I have to. I just don’t know how to do it and how to gain the courage to do it.

14 thoughts on “S.A.R.D. #24 – Breaking-Up

  1. This is painfully close to home.
    But raw and cruel and honest.
    Thank you for sharing it.
    And the swearing and any grammar issues makes it more real, sometimes I think we should write like that
    Its honest.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Twenty years is a long time and it’s going to be very difficult when and if you make that final decision. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish I knew the right words or magical words to make it easier for you. I don’t. 😦 But, I’m here when you need someone to listen. Hugs Darlin!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My advice is to speak to a lawyer, come up with an extremely fair settlement, and sit down with your wife and present it to her.

    Honestly, it seems only fair to both her and you that you live your life in whatever way you want.

    It is sad and disappointing to end a long term relationship. It’s very strange to not ever talk to the person you lived with for many years (for me it was 25 years together).

    But if you know it is the right thing the grief will pass and the change will turn out to be good.

    Divorce is a big financial blow. Get all the information you need to understand the financial split.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the advice.
      Things are in motion, emotionally, for both of us and I am simply trying to stay sober right now too…which adds to the complexity.
      I’m going to focus on just one day at a time, one step at a time and so on…

      Like

  4. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was to tell my wife of 32 years that we were done and the divorce was imminent. For us, things just fell apart and she had changed in ways that were detrimental to the relationship and to herself – and she refused to own up to her part of making the relationship anything but happy. Before I gave her the bad news, I thought for quite a few days on how to tell her but realized that there was no way I was going to break the news to her without a lot of drama, crying, theatrics, etc., so I girded myself for the worse response I could think of… and told her. It was beyond ugly and much more than I had anticipated… and it all hurt deeply but she’d gone from being my reason for living to being a threat to my life… and I believe in Rule Number One.

    Talk to a lawyer and all that and should you go through with it, I wish you all the luck in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sending you a big hug, I think one thing I can see with the breakdown of my relationship all those years ago was that we had really grown apart and in different directions. There was so much more as it was a toxic relationship but that is the one thing that sticks out to me is while in the relationship I simply didn’t notice how much we had grown apart as I was to busy trying to get through every day. If you decide it is the right move for you think of it more that you are setting each other free so that you can both develop and grow as the chances are you have become very toxic to each other. xox

    Liked by 1 person

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