BMJ: Day 111 – Reflect on Where My Time and Energy Go

Today’s Beautiful Me Journal entry is focused on where I spend my time and energy. Specifically, the author is asking the readers to look at the past five days.  So, I’m going to list the past five days, beginning today.

Today 4/23 – After the past two days of miserable, Hilda-induced feelings, I am going through a bit of emotional hangover and renewal. So, I’m focused on sobriety, work and school. These three things feel like they are good ways to spend my time and energy, because they are needed. I’m not focused on others at the moment, because I feel like a little healing and self-care is in order. I’m allowing Stephanie to speak to me today, because I know she loves me.

Wednesday 4/22 – Panic. There is no other way to describe it. My relationship was going through some turmoil and I allowed myself to be manipulated into succumbing, yet again, to an agreement that I didn’t actually agree, but wanted the peace that the agreement entailed. I spent a lot of time trying to appease and make someone else happy, someone that I struggle finding my own happiness. It feels like we both try to make something work that doesn’t feel like it would work naturally, if left alone. This conflict began the night before, and it lasted a long time today. It used to last for a few days…but I’m not sure it’s an improvement. I did try and compensate by speaking to my sponsor and listening to some sober-focused podcasts.

Tuesday 4/21 – I prayed this day. I spoke to my sponsor. I did two meetings. I worked. Everything felt really productive until I got to the conflict that carried into the next day.

Monday 4/20 – This was a work filled day. I had some homework for school to complete. I also spoke to my sponsor and attended a Zoom AA meeting. This felt like a decent day, although I was feeling a little anxious about not having much going on outside of the mundane routines of the past month.

Sunday 4/19 – Most of the day was a time suck. I spent it doing what my spouse wanted, in terms of doing things to get ready for some work on the house – preparing to paint a room. That felt productive. I also had to work on some school work and that felt productive. But a lot of the day was spent on watching movies. Simply because I didn’t feel like working on myself for fear it would anger her. And, now, after I post this…I can look at the past week and say I spend a majority of my free time trying not to provoke my wife.

As I list this and looking at how the author of the book recommends looking at how our time and energy is spent, I can say my co-dependent nature of spending valuable time and energy trying to please someone else is a major drain on my personal resources. Honestly, I feel like there is so only so much I can do and I hate feeling like I have some sort of responsibility to make someone else happy. Logically, I know that happiness is an individual choice – kind of like that old adage that says, “Pain is inevitable; misery is a choice”. On the other hand, I feel some sort of obligation to show my love by working towards the happiness of another person. This all has taken away from my own personal principles, goals, dreams and so much more. I want nothing more than to be in a mutually loving, empowering and caring relationship AND be able to focus on the activities, obligations and goals I have in life.

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