Strains on Sobriety

Before I really talk about this, I’m going to qualify this by saying I am in early sobriety, so there have not been “real” tests on my sobriety – especially since I chronically relapse on a mere whim – like being in desperate need of a pedicure.  I’m only partially joking…you outta see the claws I’m wearing due to this COVID-19 shut down.

But I digress…

The reality is that I have accepted that I have a malady of the mind that the allergy of craving alcohol tends to inflame when I take the first drink after being restless, irritable and/or discontented. It’s really not odd for a lot of normal people to figure out – drinking doesn’t solve problems. But you see, that’s the thing, I am not what might be referred to as a problem drinker. No, I am quite obviously a solution drinker. I have used drinking as a medication to my mental ailments. I have made it the solution to my problems in life. This is what Step 1 of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program means to me. It’s this idea that I have allowed alcohol (i.e. being powerless over it) to be the thing that assists me in managing my life (because life became unmanageable for me).

The reality for me is that I always assumed that people who needed AA had to do with the problems alcohol created in their lives. In other words, I always assumed it was for the “low-bottom drunks”. And that is not the truth. The first step reads in a way that does not equate manageability as the inebriated state of mind. The issue of manageability truly exists previous to the symptoms of drinking. The problems were there, they exist, they are a part of life. It’s how they are handled that matter.

I’ve been experiencing a few of these this past week.

And it sucked.

And it hurt.

And I couldn’t handle it on my own.

I reached out on Twitter. (Okay, I bawled like a whiny little bitch, but whatever…) People came to my rescue. Something stronger than myself was at work. So, so, so, so many times I have reached for something more powerful than myself and eventually I had found alcohol. It allowed me that mental reprieve from my own disastrous thoughts. It provided me the soothing allure of escape. So, removing it as a solution, means I am in a state of desperately needing that Higher Power and this week I had found it in the support of many friends online. I found that power in those with sobriety that know what they are doing. I found that Higher Power in sharing with my sponsor.

I know I’m not out of the woods. Gawd knows how fickle my mind and resolve are right now. I am searching for that stable ground. But I also know that I don’t have to do it alone. I know that it’s not within the realm of reality to allow my own ego and pride to takeover, because it will always take me down a path of trying to avoid pain. Because that’s what I do. I seek to avoid negativity (i.e. Hilda) rather than face it with something better (maybe it’s Stephanie).  I am finding a lot of support online lately, and I’m thankful for that. And, I am finding a lot of support with caring and supportive women. There are a few guys that have provided me with support and encouragement too and my sponsor is a guy, but most of the advice and support I have related to has come from women. I find value in being a part of that group.

For today, I’ll remain sober and continue on this path. On day 12.

24 thoughts on “Strains on Sobriety

    1. I’ve decided to stop worrying about my relapses…the only thing important about them is understanding they had some sort of spiritual break. I’m surrendering, Wendy. I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but today is the only one that matters and I am working on finding my inner beauty – and friends like you have been beneficial for me.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Good for you, and I’m glad you have support and friends. I’m not a drinker, but recently have rejoined myfitnesspal, which counts calories and nutrition and exercise. The shock of seeing how badly I usually ate was information, and now I do better, even though it isn’t perfect. It seems the balance between doing better and alternatives like ‘doing worse’ are the only things I count right now, so I don’t give myself a hard time if the calories or sugar or whatever is higher than it ‘should’ be. When things get superstressful (and since lots of my friends online and in person have DID/are multiple personalities), then organic chocolate at night helps me to chill out, and prevents me being in really rough shape. pretty much the main thing I need to do is drink enough water every day, and that is happening often enough. Good luck to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m rooting for you. I had so many problems while I was an active alcoholic. When I got sober in AA, all my problems began to melt away because I did the 12 steps with a sponsor. 8 years later, I’m still sober and have an amazing life and all those problems I referred to ….they are gone. My biggest problem today is…..well, that I have a little sunburn from the beautiful weekend we just had in Jersey. But that’s not really a problem. So, I’m grateful. I don’t have to be suffering from anything I used to suffer from because I got sober. I learned how to take care of myself and a design for living. I never want to go back to when I was sick and suffering. I loved connecting with you recently, and I really enjoy your blog. I hope to stay connected. Your friend, Sarah

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the encouragement Sarah. I think I take a lot of comfort in hearing from others – exactly like you just wrote – to remind me that the feelings and emotions I’m going through are completely natural. This weekend, I literally had a flash of a “Maybe I’m not really an alcoholic”, followed almost immediately by a highly embarrassing memory of something I did when I was drunk. It was like a little nudge from my higher power telling me I’m not as smart as I think I am on this decision…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like your thinking….we will always have fleeting moments of “maybe i’m not…” and to have the willingness and courage to be TRULY honest with yourself about what picking up will actually end up putting us, is a miracle. It saves our lives and will only help to make our lives better and better one day at time.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love that idea that you were a ‘solution drinker’. Whether we’re aware of it or not, our unhealthy relationship with alcohol stems from the fact that we truly believe it’s helping. From my comfortable vantage point of 21 months sober I can definitely say, “It wasn’t.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just stumbled across your blog. Keep going. Take all the support you can get. The online blogging community was THE thing that got me through and is still THE most important factor in my sober travels. Good luck
    Claire x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes you can only keep trying until one day or sticks I think. Today I could have bought a bottle of Chablis and happily drank the lot. I didn’t but I was tempted. I don’t feel like that often but today I did. Keep going x

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this post, it is very transparent which is what you have to be when trying to heal, you have to be truthful. I believe that everyday you are consciously acting toward a better version of yourself you are already winning. And on a shit day, you just have to take it for what it is, forgive yourself and start again. And you know what, the shit days are important too, how else would we know what not to do! 🙂


    1. For some reason, this was in my SPAM folder, so I didn’t see it, but I have fixed it. 🙂

      Unfortunately, I have not maintained my sobriety and I’m somewhat floundering again…I’m simply unsure about so much right now.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s