Before I really talk about this, I’m going to qualify this by saying I am in early sobriety, so there have not been “real” tests on my sobriety – especially since I chronically relapse on a mere whim – like being in desperate need of a pedicure. I’m only partially joking…you outta see the claws I’m wearing due to this COVID-19 shut down.
But I digress…
The reality is that I have accepted that I have a malady of the mind that the allergy of craving alcohol tends to inflame when I take the first drink after being restless, irritable and/or discontented. It’s really not odd for a lot of normal people to figure out – drinking doesn’t solve problems. But you see, that’s the thing, I am not what might be referred to as a problem drinker. No, I am quite obviously a solution drinker. I have used drinking as a medication to my mental ailments. I have made it the solution to my problems in life. This is what Step 1 of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program means to me. It’s this idea that I have allowed alcohol (i.e. being powerless over it) to be the thing that assists me in managing my life (because life became unmanageable for me).
The reality for me is that I always assumed that people who needed AA had to do with the problems alcohol created in their lives. In other words, I always assumed it was for the “low-bottom drunks”. And that is not the truth. The first step reads in a way that does not equate manageability as the inebriated state of mind. The issue of manageability truly exists previous to the symptoms of drinking. The problems were there, they exist, they are a part of life. It’s how they are handled that matter.
I’ve been experiencing a few of these this past week.
And it sucked.
And it hurt.
And I couldn’t handle it on my own.
I reached out on Twitter. (Okay, I bawled like a whiny little bitch, but whatever…) People came to my rescue. Something stronger than myself was at work. So, so, so, so many times I have reached for something more powerful than myself and eventually I had found alcohol. It allowed me that mental reprieve from my own disastrous thoughts. It provided me the soothing allure of escape. So, removing it as a solution, means I am in a state of desperately needing that Higher Power and this week I had found it in the support of many friends online. I found that power in those with sobriety that know what they are doing. I found that Higher Power in sharing with my sponsor.
I know I’m not out of the woods. Gawd knows how fickle my mind and resolve are right now. I am searching for that stable ground. But I also know that I don’t have to do it alone. I know that it’s not within the realm of reality to allow my own ego and pride to takeover, because it will always take me down a path of trying to avoid pain. Because that’s what I do. I seek to avoid negativity (i.e. Hilda) rather than face it with something better (maybe it’s Stephanie). I am finding a lot of support online lately, and I’m thankful for that. And, I am finding a lot of support with caring and supportive women. There are a few guys that have provided me with support and encouragement too and my sponsor is a guy, but most of the advice and support I have related to has come from women. I find value in being a part of that group.
For today, I’ll remain sober and continue on this path. On day 12.