I am not sure how to describe what I’m feeling today. The last few days has me feeling disengaged from my recovery program. I’m having a difficult time relating to people in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Zoom meetings. I’m having a tough time with getting any insight from my sponsor. I’m finding my mind drifting at work and not accomplishing much lately. I find my engagement with school to be absolutely nothing until the last minutes before an assignment is due. I have all but given up trying to work on my health in the past week. I’m just not sure what it is. I can’t help to think that all this “new-normal” with respect to the Covid-19 virus has a lot to do with it, however, I think there’s more. I just can’t put my finger on it.
I’m waking up every day around 3:30-4:00 in the morning and finding myself surfing the web, perusing Twitter feeds, or simply “vegging out”. I am getting on my knees every morning and praying. I’m making a gratitude list each day. I’m doing what I should be doing with respect to my sobriety, but I can’t find any give-a-shit kind of spirit. I am also feeling the familiar and detrimental whispers of Hilda again. The voice is beginning to tell me I’ve been nothing but a whiny bitch, a crybaby that needs to step up and grow a set and handle life. The same voice that tells me I’m not an alcoholic. The same voice that tells me I should be doing more with my time. The same voice that tells me that there is nothing wrong with a beer from time to time. The same voice that tells me anything/everything I am coming to believe about myself is a complete falsehood.
As I ponder that, I begin to wonder what my reality is or what it I want it to be. That’s really what everything is about, isn’t it? What do I want my reality to be? I’m not sure. This inability to define what I want is probably the biggest roadblock I have. I can’t grasp a definition of contentment, of happiness, of fulfillment, of purpose. I think about all of the other roadblocks I have in my life and when I do I can feel the familiar spiraling of my emotions begin a downward descent – a far more terrifying reality than anything else. I don’t like that feeling at all and I try and step away from that ledge, knowing full well that there are some unresolved issues within my own mind that I don’t know that I’ll ever get myself around.
Are these roadblocks even real? Am I putting far more power into them than I need to. I was listening to a podcast on recovery, yesterday, that discussed putting power in things that are not good. The premise of this discussion is that there is always a higher power for each of us and we always surrender to it. But the question is where do we choose to give our power? Sometimes, I think I willingly hand my power over to anything that allows me to escape pain – self-imposed or not. This line of thinking begins me down a path of questioning so many deep rooted issues. It literally makes me question EVERYTHING about myself.
And worse yet, it causes me to doubt everything about myself. How do I get through brick walls like these?
Today, is internally difficult, but I’ll get through it…someway, somehow… Day 17.