Running Into Non-Existent Brick Walls

I am not sure how to describe what I’m feeling today. The last few days has me feeling disengaged from my recovery program. I’m having a difficult time relating to people in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Zoom meetings. I’m having a tough time with getting any insight from my sponsor. I’m finding my mind drifting at work and not accomplishing much lately. I find my engagement with school to be absolutely nothing until the last minutes before an assignment is due. I have all but given up trying to work on my health in the past week. I’m just not sure what it is. I can’t help to think that all this “new-normal” with respect to the Covid-19 virus has a lot to do with it, however, I think there’s more. I just can’t put my finger on it.

I’m waking up every day around 3:30-4:00 in the morning and finding myself surfing the web, perusing Twitter feeds, or simply “vegging out”. I am getting on my knees every morning and praying. I’m making a gratitude list each day. I’m doing what I should be doing with respect to my sobriety, but I can’t find any give-a-shit kind of spirit. I am also feeling the familiar and detrimental whispers of Hilda again. The voice is beginning to tell me I’ve been nothing but a whiny bitch, a crybaby that needs to step up and grow a set and handle life. The same voice that tells me I’m not an alcoholic. The same voice that tells me I should be doing more with my time. The same voice that tells me that there is nothing wrong with a beer from time to time. The same voice that tells me anything/everything I am coming to believe about myself is a complete falsehood.

As I ponder that, I begin to wonder what my reality is or what it I want it to be. That’s really what everything is about, isn’t it? What do I want my reality to be? I’m not sure. This inability to define what I want is probably the biggest roadblock I have. I can’t grasp a definition of contentment, of happiness, of fulfillment, of purpose. I think about all of the other roadblocks I have in my life and when I do I can feel the familiar spiraling of my emotions begin a downward descent – a far more terrifying reality than anything else. I don’t like that feeling at all and I try and step away from that ledge, knowing full well that there are some unresolved issues within my own mind that I don’t know that I’ll ever get myself around.

Are these roadblocks even real? Am I putting far more power into them than I need to. I was listening to a podcast on recovery, yesterday, that discussed putting power in things that are not good. The premise of this discussion is that there is always a higher power for each of us and we always surrender to it. But the question is where do we choose to give our power? Sometimes, I think I willingly hand my power over to anything that allows me to escape pain – self-imposed or not. This line of thinking begins me down a path of questioning so many deep rooted issues. It literally makes me question EVERYTHING about myself.

And worse yet, it causes me to doubt everything about myself. How do I get through brick walls like these?

Today, is internally difficult, but I’ll get through it…someway, somehow…  Day 17.

8 thoughts on “Running Into Non-Existent Brick Walls

  1. Recovery is not now nor has ever been a straight line progression, for anybody. We have bad days, weeks even. The point is don’t quit. Physical sobriety is the touchstone. Rigorous honesty strengthens the base that physical sobriety establishes. They don’t hand out “Mr Sobriety” awards, at least no place that I know about.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Trust your journey in sobriety , regardless of how perplexing it can be …. when I decided to take suggestions and set a routine for myself daily (praying , journaling , finding where I can be useful to others and show up to meetings even when they would drive me crazy …. AND NOT pick up, things started to get better for me. I will email you the code to our daily 12:15 pm Eastern time meeting if you like – lmk. It’s a GREAT meeting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m trying. Truly. I woke up with a case of the eff-its this morning, but I’m trying to fight them off. I don’t like feeling this way, I know I don’t like feeling this way…but I try.
      And, I’d love the information to that meeting – it’d be 10:!5 a.m. here, since I’m in Colorado. Can I pop in when I feel like it? I may not today, because I have a couple things at work to do around that time.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “I willingly hand my power over to anything that allows me to escape pain” I think we all do that to some degree, but maybe, growth that is consistent and continuing requires feeling and honestly embracing your pain in order to get to the other side of it? Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

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