Obsessive Thoughts Running in the Background

For the past several days, I’ve had some thoughts obsessing my mind when it’s not focused. Honestly, it’s something that I go through on a regular basis when I make attempts at sobriety. And I used to handle and accept my actions in the past as blips on my historical timeline. But, as I have come to realize more and more that I struggle with relationships – literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done – I begin looking at myself as if I am entirely fucked up and to blame. As a result, I inevitably question love, romance, sex, sexuality and my role in all of it. And as I come into sobriety, my thoughts start returning to the reasons I drink anyways – and one of my major resentments is my involvement in relationships. One might think that my sexuality might have been a trigger, but I’m not sure that is the case, but I have certainly felt like my view of sex and sexuality has played into my relationships for sure. But to dismiss my sexuality as not having anything to do with my illness – ya know, alcoholism – would not be doing myself any justice. The past few days, however, I have really been looking at my sexuality in quite a bit and namely when my mind has had down time.

Sometimes, I really regret ever mentioning my sexuality to anyone who’s dick I haven’t sucked. I mean, that might be too vulgar to say, but if you could hear the tone of voice of my thoughts, I feel almost disgusted with myself right now. But, within these thoughts are the cunning insipidness of Hilda who I know is trying to work her way in and ruin my sobriety. But the thoughts I have been having weren’t healthy and I feel the need to get them out right now. But, lately, I feel exposed. I feel vulnerable and I feel like I may be too open about myself – especially online. And, ultimately, as I am writing this, I ponder if my honesty and truth is earning me disrespect from others. Of course, one of my fears is that people won’t respect me – namely people that I have always respected.

To give an idea of what’s been going on in my head are things that put me in a lace where I want to deny my sexuality. I am feeling like I cannot be a God fearing man and also be bisexual. I’m feeling like I can’t ever find love from another woman, if I were to leave my marriage. I feel like once the cat is out of the bag, then I have no choice but to enter a gay relationship and that is laced with disdain – it’s not right, but it’s how I’m feeling. I am questioning whether or not I have pushed myself to believe things about myself that aren’t necessarily true. Am I living as a lie? And if it’s a lie I have embraced, how would I even be able to tell if it’s a lie?

What is the lie? I’m sure a lot of people would assume the lie is that I’m straight, right?  No, I feel like I have engaged in an online persona where people believe I am transgender or gay or female or whatever and I feel those personas are the lie. Sometimes, I have wondered if I have inadvertently think one thing about me, thus pushing people – namely women – away from me. (As I write that, I feel like I’m making some sort of claim over the affections women give…how effed up is that?). I feel like in a lot of ways I pushed myself into an image that I can’t ever move back from.  I sometimes, as I begin to get more sober, I feel like I want to feel manly again, like I did when I was in my 20s or 30s.  But maybe I can’t feel that way ever again?

Once a cock-sucker, always a cock-sucker, right?  I mean, once you’ve traversed that boundary, doesn’t that define who you are? I wonder if my admission that I’m bisexual has made me something other than what I thought I should have been. I wonder if the times I’ve dressed in women’s clothing has been nothing more than fantastical dreams of things that will never be. I have always felt like my insides do not match my outsides, but I have also felt that embracing the image of myself I have on the outside has also made me feel good. Sometimes, I really don’t understand how to appreciate a balance. It’s like, if my marriage does end, do I have to be in a gay relationship at least once to claim I’m bisexual or are my past experiences enough? And, if those past experiences are going to remain in the past, do I call myself bisexual or straight? And what about my cross-dressing? Can I not be manly or even a man after having done that?  Is it wrong that I embrace the idea of others referring to me as a female knowing full well that I look nothing more than a hairy, knuckle dragging man? I mean, I know I’m not going to change my gender, physically, but sometimes I wonder if I am engaged in a dangerous mental game with myself. Sometimes, I can’t tell if it’s Hilda speaking to me or Stephanie, or God, or my own ego.

These are things that are starting to seep into my mind as I begin looking at Step 2 in the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program. I begin to wonder what my conception of a God or a Higher Power might be. I begin to wonder if I am worthy of the love of God that I learned as a child and even felt forgiven once having admitted in confession to the things I have done. I struggle with the idea that I’m somehow a complete mess and having no ability to understand what it is God would want for me or what I should do with respect to romance, sex, sexuality or gender.

And other times, I wonder if I should just quit fucking worrying about it and chalk everything up to the past and fuck it all off. Why can’t I just be who I want to be now? Because, it’s The Now that matters and nothing else. I ponder these things, because I often want to return to some things I loved about my past – or rather, reengage in the things I used to love. I ponder if I make things way more complex than they need to be…

Okay.,..that made me laugh…

Trust me, I make things more complex than they need to be….lol

I’m on Day 23 today, and I’m staying in the light. #ODAAT

 

9 thoughts on “Obsessive Thoughts Running in the Background

      1. Having the courage to grapple with terrifying, shameful thoughts is a beautiful thing. And I’m pretty sure God’s in the business of blessing our pain and shame and naming it ‘Good’. Sorry, didn’t mean to get preachy!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Well, I know you’re lying to yourself about it. You know, there are a lot of guys who have the kind of inner dissonance you’re going through, usually the moment their sexuality pops up and gives them that huge jolt to their system. “Wait… did I really just suck his cock… and I liked it? What the hell!”

    Conflicts occur – moral, religious, social and in that “what if everyone finds out” way. Many manage to reconcile things even though it might take up to a number of years before the internal conflicts are put to bed, the moral angst is literally rewritten so as to not be such a pain in the ass, and the religion stuff gets filed under, “If God didn’t mean for me to be this way, I wouldn’t be this way.” This doesn’t turn them away from being God-fearing but it does tend to change the way they look at religion as an institution. They may not go to church but their belief in God remains intact.

    I see a lot of guys who are new to the scene go through this and it’s not easy for them because they’ve lived their life up to this point believing what we all believe when it comes to love, sex, and relationships… then they’ve found out there’s more to it than that so they’re in the very tough position of having to unlearn and relearn everything to adjust to how they are now.

    It’s not really unusual for a guy, once life starts throwing bricks at him, to blame his problems on his sexuality and get to thinking that because they sinned, God is paying them back for sinning in the first place. But that same guy will, upon further review of his life and situation, will usually tend to see that his sexuality isn’t what’s turning his life upside down so much except where, um, doing stuff in his chosen sexuality is concerned and then it’s usually not what they might be doing – it’s what they want to do but can’t do a thing about it.

    That’s about the time anyone finds that what they thought their life was going to be like can be anything other than what they planned, thought of, felt they had to do; they find out that while we do make mistakes that throws wrenches into things, they also find out that there are external factors equipped with wrenches so they can, deliberately or unintentionally, mess things up for us. Now it’s about rolling with the punches, getting knocked down, getting back up and repeating as necessary. Many do, in fact, say, “If I hadn’t had sex with that guy, my life wouldn’t be so messed up – I shouldn’t have done it!”

    And it’s an expected “trap” because at the time you did whatever you did, you had no idea how things were gonna be, say, 40 years down the road and it’s easy to point to this and affix the blame for one’s predicament… and then cite a lack of faith in God as an additional punishment. Once you start to believe this, it becomes the truth in your mind… except to some folks who are standing on the outside and looking at you and wondering, “Why is he putting himself through all this crap?”

    Good question. Once a cock sucker, always a cock sucker. Okay. Yes. I’m a cock sucker. So what? I’ve had rough spots in my life, marriages that have gone tits up, problems being, getting, and remaining employed. Everyone does. None of the bad stuff I’ve experienced has been due to the fact that I’m not only a cock sucker but a very good one; it hasn’t been due to any loss of faith in God on my part. It also seems that my family, on my father’s side, is genetically predisposed to alcoholism… but I’m not an alcoholic although I’ve had plenty of reasons and excuses in my life to become one.

    And I’m not the only one who has faced the things you’re facing and have found a way to deal with them and put them into perspective. What I’ve constantly wondered about you, specifically, is why you haven’t been able to quiet those voices in your head at this point in your life. I hear them, too… and I ignore them. They wanna bust my balls for being bisexual… and I ignore them because I can’t undo anything I’ve done and I’m smart enough to not let them suppress whatever desires I have in this which, by the way, “the way things are supposed to happen” are designed to do just that. Suppress you. Make you deny yourself in a great many ways and to the point where one just might turn to booze or drugs to try to make those voices shut the hell up.

    You get the gist of things, don’t you? In a way, it’s okay to look inside yourself and throw yourself a pity party over things that you can’t do a damned thing about. Your sexuality? You did what you did. You liked it. You did more of it. Can’t undo any of it. You actually like your sexuality but, like so many other, you let “the way things are suppose to be” screw with your head instead of thinking more in a “the way things can be” kind of way.

    Marriage? Dear Lord… even I had said, “If I had known marrying her would have turned out the way it did, I wouldn’t have married her!” Yeah, too late for that but, yep, you can do something about that one and, who knows, ya just might have to and no matter how much of a pain in the ass it’s gonna be. Now, does that mean if you should leave her you’re gonna find yourself in a totally gay relationship? Can’t or won’t be able to engage with a new woman? Nope… unless it’s somehow a “plan” for a potential future for yourself. It’s not wrong to think about all of this stuff – I still do and probably more than you ever could or do… but the question I ask myself is, “Am I gonna let this shit fuck with me – and it wants to fuck with me?” Hell no. I got better things to do than to be kicking my own ass over stuff that, for one, I know better to be doing and, for another, over stuff that I have no control over or otherwise can’t take back or do over again.

    I can wonder what tomorrow will bring – will it be more of the same? Something different? I dunno – let’s see what happens and whatever happens, deal with it if I need/have to and if not, I’m not gonna waste my time on it or let it bother my thoughts.

    I rarely see guys who jumped in the pool early – and as you and I both did – who haven’t, at this point in their lives, reconciled everything and put everything into perspective. If they’re having problems, it’s not because of their sexuality or some perceived lack of faith in God; they’re having problems because EVERYBODY has problems and as I’ve said to you time and time again, what are you gonna do about it? How much longer are you gonna keep lying to yourself about certain things and how has that helped anything? I’m sure you are aware of guys who are similar to yourself – I know a bunch of them – so you’re not the only guy on the planet dealing with this stuff.

    You are the only guy I know of who is so very bothered by it, though… and you’re not helping yourself by being bothered. Sexuality. Is what it is. God. I’ve made my peace with God about being bisexual. Marriage. Well, shit, that’s an even bigger lie. Booze. I control this; I set the limits. Things get dicey? My first response isn’t, “I need a drink!” even though I’ve actually said this – I don’t do it because I know I can’t resolve any issues with my thinking all boozed up. I know I can’t escape my problems by drinking because when I sober up, they’re gonna still be there… and they will have brought some friends along for the ride because I’d been drinking.

    Oh, my… what would I give to put you over my knee and give you a well-deserved spanking! Come on, man – get it together. Take charge of yourself once and for all!

    Liked by 1 person

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