For the past several days, I’ve had some thoughts obsessing my mind when it’s not focused. Honestly, it’s something that I go through on a regular basis when I make attempts at sobriety. And I used to handle and accept my actions in the past as blips on my historical timeline. But, as I have come to realize more and more that I struggle with relationships – literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done – I begin looking at myself as if I am entirely fucked up and to blame. As a result, I inevitably question love, romance, sex, sexuality and my role in all of it. And as I come into sobriety, my thoughts start returning to the reasons I drink anyways – and one of my major resentments is my involvement in relationships. One might think that my sexuality might have been a trigger, but I’m not sure that is the case, but I have certainly felt like my view of sex and sexuality has played into my relationships for sure. But to dismiss my sexuality as not having anything to do with my illness – ya know, alcoholism – would not be doing myself any justice. The past few days, however, I have really been looking at my sexuality in quite a bit and namely when my mind has had down time.
Sometimes, I really regret ever mentioning my sexuality to anyone who’s dick I haven’t sucked. I mean, that might be too vulgar to say, but if you could hear the tone of voice of my thoughts, I feel almost disgusted with myself right now. But, within these thoughts are the cunning insipidness of Hilda who I know is trying to work her way in and ruin my sobriety. But the thoughts I have been having weren’t healthy and I feel the need to get them out right now. But, lately, I feel exposed. I feel vulnerable and I feel like I may be too open about myself – especially online. And, ultimately, as I am writing this, I ponder if my honesty and truth is earning me disrespect from others. Of course, one of my fears is that people won’t respect me – namely people that I have always respected.
To give an idea of what’s been going on in my head are things that put me in a lace where I want to deny my sexuality. I am feeling like I cannot be a God fearing man and also be bisexual. I’m feeling like I can’t ever find love from another woman, if I were to leave my marriage. I feel like once the cat is out of the bag, then I have no choice but to enter a gay relationship and that is laced with disdain – it’s not right, but it’s how I’m feeling. I am questioning whether or not I have pushed myself to believe things about myself that aren’t necessarily true. Am I living as a lie? And if it’s a lie I have embraced, how would I even be able to tell if it’s a lie?
What is the lie? I’m sure a lot of people would assume the lie is that I’m straight, right? No, I feel like I have engaged in an online persona where people believe I am transgender or gay or female or whatever and I feel those personas are the lie. Sometimes, I have wondered if I have inadvertently think one thing about me, thus pushing people – namely women – away from me. (As I write that, I feel like I’m making some sort of claim over the affections women give…how effed up is that?). I feel like in a lot of ways I pushed myself into an image that I can’t ever move back from. I sometimes, as I begin to get more sober, I feel like I want to feel manly again, like I did when I was in my 20s or 30s. But maybe I can’t feel that way ever again?
Once a cock-sucker, always a cock-sucker, right? I mean, once you’ve traversed that boundary, doesn’t that define who you are? I wonder if my admission that I’m bisexual has made me something other than what I thought I should have been. I wonder if the times I’ve dressed in women’s clothing has been nothing more than fantastical dreams of things that will never be. I have always felt like my insides do not match my outsides, but I have also felt that embracing the image of myself I have on the outside has also made me feel good. Sometimes, I really don’t understand how to appreciate a balance. It’s like, if my marriage does end, do I have to be in a gay relationship at least once to claim I’m bisexual or are my past experiences enough? And, if those past experiences are going to remain in the past, do I call myself bisexual or straight? And what about my cross-dressing? Can I not be manly or even a man after having done that? Is it wrong that I embrace the idea of others referring to me as a female knowing full well that I look nothing more than a hairy, knuckle dragging man? I mean, I know I’m not going to change my gender, physically, but sometimes I wonder if I am engaged in a dangerous mental game with myself. Sometimes, I can’t tell if it’s Hilda speaking to me or Stephanie, or God, or my own ego.
These are things that are starting to seep into my mind as I begin looking at Step 2 in the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program. I begin to wonder what my conception of a God or a Higher Power might be. I begin to wonder if I am worthy of the love of God that I learned as a child and even felt forgiven once having admitted in confession to the things I have done. I struggle with the idea that I’m somehow a complete mess and having no ability to understand what it is God would want for me or what I should do with respect to romance, sex, sexuality or gender.
And other times, I wonder if I should just quit fucking worrying about it and chalk everything up to the past and fuck it all off. Why can’t I just be who I want to be now? Because, it’s The Now that matters and nothing else. I ponder these things, because I often want to return to some things I loved about my past – or rather, reengage in the things I used to love. I ponder if I make things way more complex than they need to be…
Okay.,..that made me laugh…
Trust me, I make things more complex than they need to be….lol
I’m on Day 23 today, and I’m staying in the light. #ODAAT