The title might seem appropriate to the times we’re living in due to the Covid-19 pandemic, but it’s actually about the fact that I am at a month sober. In fact, tomorrow marks 30 days since I last drank. And it’s dangerous for me because I have been here before. I was mentioning to someone in a private message on Twitter that I have more of the 30-day sober chips than a lot of people have 24 hour chips (Anyone involved in Alcoholics Anonymous probably understands this quite well). It’s dangerous because I begin to feel free and that feeling makes me feel like I’m safe enough to manage myself.
The reality, however, and I know this, is that I am an alcoholic. And this means that I have to practice total abstinence from alcohol – there is no such thing as having just one drink. Experience has shown me that I will eventually turn one beer into an ongoing matter of drinking daily. I have to maintain the memories of the things that horrify me enough to realize that my life is unmanageable when I am drinking. I can’t reward myself with just one drink, because it might be just one today, but within a couple of weeks I’ll be up to 4 or five per day – on a daily basis.
It’s also dangerous because I know that I can feel my anxiety and depression ramping up as the fogginess of my mind clears from the alcohol leaving. I’ve been trying to compensate for it all by going on walks lately – I even went for a short hike this past Friday (for those of you who are new to my blog, hiking and getting into nature is how I connect to God). But what I have been missing the shot on is attending meetings, calling my sponsor and not writing in my gratitude journal. It’s become boring – one of the worst things to happen to me.
I am aware, however, the significance of hitting 30 days sober and I’m not minimizing it’s importance, but if I don’t remain sober today then it is absolutely irrelevant and that is the entire point of this post. The reality for me is to remain sober today. So, I recognize the places I’m not meeting the obligations to myself – speaking to my sponsor, attending a meeting and writing in my gratitude journal. For that reason, I will get back on track and I won’t beat myself up over the imperfection – oh the imperfections I focus on can be an entire post on its own.
Today is day 29.