Not feeling it today…

One would think after 30 days of sobriety, that my spirit would be lifted and I would be utterly energized to continue down the path of sobriety. But today – really, the past few days – I feel a little meh…  Un-enthusiastic.

I realize this is part of my alcoholic mind. I realize it is Hilda speaking to me and that she wants nothing bu my demise. But I’m feeling rather at odds with Stephanie right now. I thought, as I explored this side of me, that I would some how open up and the flood waters of positive thinking would just inundate me with refreshing thoughts that feel like a bath in cool and relaxing waters. But I can’t seem to find a way to cultivate Stephanie. I go through this process of trying to discern logic and emotions and they never seem to match, they never seem to align and I think that any effort to bring about my inner Stephanie will be met with not just Hilda, but whatever reality there really is about life.

Or worse?

Maybe I’m just in a state of mind that makes me feel like the entire personification of my inner voices is simply a farce. Maybe I’m a farce too. I know I go through this every time I attempt to get sober or any time I attempt to change my life for the better. I get these feelings that tell me everything is overwhelming and that I’ll never make it. This is the sickness of a self-defeating mind, the mind that feels more familiar in the self-disgrace it causes itself than it does when feeling good.

And feeling good?  What is that anyways?

It’ll pass. It always does. It never lasts. And I don’t like that.

I tend to revert back to the thoughts that do me in and make me want to not feel anything. I hate the pain I feel about my life. I should feel really positive and good about the blessings I do have in life, but everything feels like a task. Everything feels like an obligation. Nothing feels relaxing. Nothing feels reverent. Nothing feels serene. And nothing feels like it will ever change.

I’m intensely aware of the level of work and self-sacrifice it’ll take to get to the things I always felt I wanted out of life. And it all feels fickle now. It all makes me feel like I’ve somehow failed in my life. And when I look at it all, I begin to wonder if my endeavors were really ever noble or if they were self-serving and somehow trying to fill the proverbial void I feel in my soul.

Sometimes, I just wonder if I’m strong enough to get over myself.

Today, I’m tired. But I am on day 36 and I’ll stay sober today. Just today is all I can handle.

18 thoughts on “Not feeling it today…

  1. I think the idea of personifying inner voices makes a lot of sense. And you’ve had Hilda chattering at you for so long that it seems reasonable to think that it’s going to take some time and effort to give Stephanie a stronger platform.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol no
        I was thinking last night as I went to bed at 10 pm on a holiday weekend, is this it for my life now? In bed, alone, when it’s still light out?
        I shook it off and decided to leave the deep thoughts to 2021.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You really have a talent in describing the way you feel. My heart goes out to you over this obstacle. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you while having Hilda in my mind. Stephanie deserves a chance, YOU deserve a chance. I’m proud of you for being sober 36 days. That is some serious self control. Your feelings sound a lot like mine with food. I need to lose weight but there’s so much I need to lose that sometimes I just can’t see me getting it all off. It seems like it will take way too long and it’s so hard to eat right. Hugs my Darling!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Food is a problem of mine, as well, but I think I mentioned that to you a couple of years ago. I am a quick-witted person and saw myself hurting people I loved with my words…and I shit you not, but I began eating to keep my mouth busy. Based on my own weight, I had a lot to say.

      I’m finding, in sobriety, that addictions have a way of trying to fill the emotional holes we have in us and we try so hard to fill those holes and it tends to be with things that only give us short-lived pleasure,

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It took me four months to feel like I wasn’t walking around without skin, meaning I felt assaulted by loud noises, news, stressful work meetings, and my inability to just snap the hell out of it. I look at it now like my own trial in the desert, so to speak. I had to deal with that inner persona who was, as you so well put it, more comfortable with what I perceived as failure. Only now, looking back (as is so often the case), do I see that I WAS MOVING F*CKING MOUNTAINS! I was a superhero! It takes oceans of strength to walk away from alcohol, especially amidst kids and mortgages and relationships. Especially with what is perceived as the cure (an ice cold drink!) in every restaurant and grocery store, and at times, in my own refrigerator. This is no minor battle you’re fighting. I can see now that what I did felt like I wasn’t moving, but in reality, I turned around an entire ship. Not gradually turning, but stopping in the middle of the ocean and turning against the tide. And what I have going for me now could never have happened had I not finally stayed the course.

    I most definitely have some meh days now and then, but never do I feel like not waking up. But it took my poor brain four months of healing to level out.

    Hang in there. It’s so worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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