One would think after 30 days of sobriety, that my spirit would be lifted and I would be utterly energized to continue down the path of sobriety. But today – really, the past few days – I feel a little meh… Un-enthusiastic.
I realize this is part of my alcoholic mind. I realize it is Hilda speaking to me and that she wants nothing bu my demise. But I’m feeling rather at odds with Stephanie right now. I thought, as I explored this side of me, that I would some how open up and the flood waters of positive thinking would just inundate me with refreshing thoughts that feel like a bath in cool and relaxing waters. But I can’t seem to find a way to cultivate Stephanie. I go through this process of trying to discern logic and emotions and they never seem to match, they never seem to align and I think that any effort to bring about my inner Stephanie will be met with not just Hilda, but whatever reality there really is about life.
Maybe I’m just in a state of mind that makes me feel like the entire personification of my inner voices is simply a farce. Maybe I’m a farce too. I know I go through this every time I attempt to get sober or any time I attempt to change my life for the better. I get these feelings that tell me everything is overwhelming and that I’ll never make it. This is the sickness of a self-defeating mind, the mind that feels more familiar in the self-disgrace it causes itself than it does when feeling good.
And feeling good? What is that anyways?
It’ll pass. It always does. It never lasts. And I don’t like that.
I tend to revert back to the thoughts that do me in and make me want to not feel anything. I hate the pain I feel about my life. I should feel really positive and good about the blessings I do have in life, but everything feels like a task. Everything feels like an obligation. Nothing feels relaxing. Nothing feels reverent. Nothing feels serene. And nothing feels like it will ever change.
I’m intensely aware of the level of work and self-sacrifice it’ll take to get to the things I always felt I wanted out of life. And it all feels fickle now. It all makes me feel like I’ve somehow failed in my life. And when I look at it all, I begin to wonder if my endeavors were really ever noble or if they were self-serving and somehow trying to fill the proverbial void I feel in my soul.
Sometimes, I just wonder if I’m strong enough to get over myself.
Today, I’m tired. But I am on day 36 and I’ll stay sober today. Just today is all I can handle.