I always feel a need to escape.
Now, more than ever, I feel a need to escape from my life. I can’t seem to find the light that leads me into something better than the way I feel.
I drank again. It was 2 beers on Saturday night and 1 beer on Sunday night. They did nothing for me.
I am uninterested in sex lately. I remember feeling always so horny and alive. But lately, sex is the last thing on my mind. I used to feel so good when it came to sex, but even that felt like an escape from life at times. It makes me wonder if I used sex in an addictive way – avoid responsibility and avoid facing my life, because I can drift into the fantasy I was feeling at the time. Porn doesn’t interest me. Sexual conversation online doesn’t interest me. Finding some what to make myself happy with another person doesn’t seem to interest me. The fantasy of someone wanting me doesn’t interest me. I feel shallow and unfulfilled within a relationship. I can’t seem to find the confidence to feel good about myself, so how can I possibly feel good in a relationship – any relationship.
Exercise and health. I used to be a health nut and although I have been living a more healthy lifestyle lately, it feels shallow and not worth the effort. Was this also an escape when I was working out 6 or 7 times per week? Did I drift into an all or nothing mentality or was it just my tenacity to achieve my goals?
Goals. Achievement. Striving. Were these forms of addiction too? Did I get lost in myself avoiding anything with feeling and emotion for the choice of accomplishing anything only to come to a point in my life where I no longer succeed? My efforts do not seem to matter, because everything seems to happen by chance. I used to think that a positive attitude and pushing past your limits would help you accomplish great things in life. But my house is in shambles – both literally and figuratively.
Truthfully, I’m having such a tough time making sense of my life, everything seems like burden. Everything seems worthless. I admitted to someone how I was feeling too and now I’ve been sworn to refrain from discussing death as a viable alternative. I can’t see the future, I know, but I can’t seem to make anything happen in my life like I used to be able to do. I can’t seem to find any stable ground in my life and I can’t seem to find any comfort in being myself – hell, I don’t even know what being myself is anymore.
I gave in to an offer for a beer from a family member and when I politely declined, I was told by another family member that I had hurt the first family member’s feelings for refusing to have a beer with him. So, I gave in and had one, then another and the third the night after that. And they do nothing for me. I don;t have an urge to go drink anymore, but I don’tr want to face my sponsor and have to go back and re-read the first few chapters of the Big Book anymore. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to write in my gratitude journal anymore – because I’m not grateful. It feels like I’m writing lies. I threw them both away.
I don’t think I’m bisexual either. I think I’m a sick pervert that gave in to different urges in my life. The same urges that made me feel like I have absolutely no will power. In other words, I am weak. I toy with silly little ideas that I’m somehow a woman on the inside and that I’m somehow completely normal. I’m not normal. But the thing I wanted to be unique about is having a level of success, and giving in to any sexual urges just shows me how weak I am. I’ve been weak with women too. Always so weak. I’ve followed, at times, what I thought was my heart. I had some sort of misguided idea that I can appeal to a woman. I don’t. I don’t think I ever have either. I feel like sexuality is a choice today. I feel like I have chosen certain activities to avoid the pain I feel in relationships or human interaction.
And I’m a loser. I wanted to be so smart, so intelligent, so intellectually superior to people. And I wanted people to respect my desire to be successful by being successful. I wanted to be able to be financially secure, to provide for my family. I wanted to provide a home that is beautiful for my wife, my kids and provide a place of warm welcoming when my kids begin to have their families. I wanted to be able to take vacations. I wanted to do something great with the education I gained. I wanted my intellect to be my saving grace, since I felt I had nothing else to offer people.
I don’t know how to function anymore.
I’m 47 years old. I’m lost. I’m unworthy of respect. Love seems like a far-fetched ideal that can never really be obtained. I can’t find the financial security to fix my house, enjoy a few things in life. And, although I’ve lost a little weight, the dreams I have of physical fitness seem like they are beyond reach.
I want to drift into nothingness. the things I want in life I cannot have. I don’t even know that I deserve such things.